GoodTimes is Live! Stay Connected!

Dear All,

The website is finally live! It is called GoodTimes and you can access it at www.goodtimes.my

Some of you can write. And I want young writers at GoodTimes. So, if you are interested and want to try your hand at writing, send me a note at gertrude@goodtimes.my and attach 2 of the latest pieces you wrote.

Also, stay with this blog for a while more because I will be starting a new blog and I will announce it here, probably by the end of Nov.

So, stay connected!

GoodTimes is Live! Stay Connected!

Dear All,

The website is finally live! It is called GoodTimes and you can access it at www.goodtimes.my

Some of you can write. And I want young writers at GoodTimes. So, if you are interested and want to try your hand at writing, send me a note at gertrude@goodtimes.my and attach 2 of the latest pieces you wrote.

Also, stay with this blog for a while more because I will be starting a new blog and I will announce it here, probably by the end of Nov.

So, stay connected!

Hello, Bernard

Hi, Bernard. Tried to go on to your blog but couldn't. Anyway, could you send me an email? Couldn't get your email address either!

Entering a New Phase

Today I start work as editor of a new news website. Yes, I am back practising journalism. I left it 10 years ago and went into teaching. I enjoyed teaching, especially when I taught journalism and journalism-related subjects. But, UTAR wanted to transfer me to the Kampar campus and for some reason I just couldn't get up and go even though, rationally, it was a good move. So, I had no choice but to resign.

Looking back, it apparently was a good move. I got this job which is just what I have always wanted to do! There might be a conflict of interests if I kept this blog. I will write one more blog announcing the new website and then it is sayonara to Warriorrose! But you can still read my articles at the new website. Look out for the announcement by the middle of next month!

Goodbye, UTAR!

It was good while it lasted!

When I joined UTAR in May, 2006, I thought it was going to be a short, uninvolved stint. But, I stayed on for three years, made good friends and now leave without regrets!

After the previous job, I became wary of staff. And, there is one very important physical space in my life where, unfortunately, I never made good friends. These two factors combined made me lose faith in people's ability to accept me as I am. Consequently, I became detached from the people around me because I lost confidence that they would reciprocate.

But, UTAR, unexpectedly, changed that! Well, not UTAR, but the students I got to know and grew to love, and the lecturers in the PD block staffroom where I had my office! That's me at my cubicle!

The students who got close to me I will never forget. Their idealism and openness to get to know me really softened my heart. They seemed able to see through me and because they reached forward, I eventually dropped my guard and discovered wonderful young people who I know will be a pleasure to be with where ever they go!

The lecturers ... they were such great company! I remember Dr Lim. I got to know his head of straight black hair before I got to know him! Being an owl, I keep late hours and often, rushing to get materials prepared, I would look over my cubicle walls and see no one around except for this bobbing tuft of black hair over his cubicle walls! And, I would feel relieved that I wasn't alone! It was only later that I knew that that was Dr Lim who also stayed back late to get work done, and we became friends.

When he left, I was wondering how I was going to stay up late working alone in the staffroom. That was when another lecturer, Sugu, also began to keep late hours working while waiting for his wife. Relief! I had company while working late! And, Sugu, being an IT lecturer, could be depended on everytime I faced a computer glitch!

But, nobody helped me with the computer like See, another IT lecturer! When I first joined UTAR, I used to stay up as late as 11pm. At that time, See occupied the cubicle next to me, and seeing me scrambling to get work done before classes, gallantly uploaded a compatible Microsoft software on my PC at home so that I could work at home! He used to discourage me from working late in the staffroom by saying: "There are ghosts in the staffroom! Some people heard voices!"

See was never too busy to help me with my computer problems! When he was busy, he would tell me to wait and come over when he was free to unravel the conundrum in my computer! I learnt a lot about how to make the computer work for me! Still clumsy with it but more literate now than before! Thanks to all the IT lecturers I hung around with! They were mostly located at the PD block staffroom.

That's See pausing from fiddling with my computer! And Sugu, Swaggy, See and Yen Li on the rare occasion they were seen together at my cubicle. They obliged from their busy schedule for a parting picture for me!

Then, there were Dr Roy -- Swagy -- and Mariam, my sharing buddies and drinking khakis (partners)! I am always talking a mile a minute with them about all my ups and downs! And we found a number of pleasant tea places where we could have a nice cup of tea or teh tarik (Indian tea) and some sweets and/or savouries and chat until it was time to go home. I am going to miss that!

And, all the others, like Priya who found it a bit hard to handle my bluntness but persevered nevertheless! And, Kim Peng with whom I had many interesting chats along the isles between cubicles and who is now my new movie watching khaki! And Michelle who taught me how to use Excel! And, the newest friend, Yen Li (officially, Dr Lee!) who showed me how to enjoy Korean food!

All of you - students and lecturers - touched my life in some deep way. You broke my reserve and restored my faith in the goodness of humanity and in my abilities to make friends again. I will never forget. May God's blessings be on you!

Keep in touch, my friends. Those of us who must go in separate ways, farewell -- till we meet again, someday, somewhere, sometime!

Short Sweet Singapore Trip

I made a quick trip to Singapore last weekend to see my bedridden aunt. I got a good offer from Air Asia and everything fell into place and so flew down and back. It was sad to see my aunt in such a helpless state, slipping in and out of consciousness. Life is such, I guess. There are some things which are out of our control and it is best to accept the circumstances, make the best of it and go on.

But, I was glad that my aunt recognised me! And, she asked in blurred speech if I had had a drink. I enthusiastically said "yes!" It was also good to see that she is well taken care of with my cousins there for her.

It was a short trip, but I managed to see some things that I wanted to see in Singapore. I took in the night safari and that was a real treat! I don't know if the animals saw us because they looked very sleepy except for the biggest elephant who kept swinging its trunk and the energetic otters! The animal pens were located along a weaving walkway. It was cool and enjoyable going on the walking trails. Flashes are not allowed, so I didn't get many good pictures except for the few I have uploaded here. This is a picture of the Malaysian porcupine.

I also took in the Underwater Marine Park, which was also worth visiting, especially the part where you stand on the travellator and it takes you through the aquarium and you are able to see the fishes swim around and above you. You get to see their gills and fins, too! Some of them are truly quite ugly! But, here's a sweaty picture of me with one of the bigger fishes. The fish looks good, though!

Then, I walked about The Sands Singapore! That is an amazing pieces of architecture. It has three hotel towers of 50 floors on top of which is a rooftop restaurant. I wanted to get to the top to get a good view of the sea and the nearby islands but couldn't because the rooftop restaurant opens only in mid-July!

Time was running short, otherwise, I would have got into the casino -- free to foreigners but Singaporeans have to pay S$100 to enter! -- and tried my hand at the one-arm bandit! I just wanted to see what it is like in a casino. I am not a gambler and don't support the activity but I just like to know what is its attraction to people who don't mind risking so much for a shot at a win. I like to know about other lifestyles. Sorry! No pictures! The building was too big for me to get pictures to capture its size and character!

What was best about the trip was catching up with my cousins after so long. I have here a picture of three of them and myself having dinner at the Intercontinental Hotel. People always make the difference!

Sex Is Overrated!

One of my students asked this question during a tutorial: Is virginity acceptable in modern society? I would like to address this issue. This same question can be reworded: Should pre-marital sex be acceptable in modern society? They, are, in fact, the same issue. And, an issue that is close to the hearts of young people and one that they are grappling with.

Media and the Sexual Myth
The question reflects the pressures a young person has to bear growing up in a society bombarded on every side by a media which relentlessly portrays sex as casual, easily available and unabashedly celebrated! In the media world, enjoying sex is the norm -- nothing to be made a big deal of!

I suspect the main motive behind media's portrayal of unbridled sex is money. Sex sells. Producers know that somewhere at the back of the mind, audiences want to see their fantasies of sex played out before their eyes -- only because it is not lived out in their own lives! The majority of people all over the world do not have the kind of sex they see on the screen. The majority of the world's population do not hop in and out of anyone's bed. They have their own partners and they usually stick with them through thick and thin!

But, that is not the reality media portrays. If it did, the industry would have died a long time ago! Media is not depicting reality; it is merely exposing the sexual fantasies of the majority who actually live monogamously faithful -- if boring -- lives because by doing so media brings in money to keep itself going!

The truth is that sex, after a while, gets boring. And, to get some meaning out of something that inevitably turns routine, people look for an exciting context to put the sizzle back into their sex lives! On TV and the movies, they find it -- in illicit sex. The more immoral the context, the more the thrill! That is the predominant theme in current media productions. On film, people are not very clear as to what is right and wrong, and get into sexual encounters which, minimally, are slightly off the moral compass.

Media portrayals are rarely black and white because that's too legalistic and -- again -- boring! They don't want to be clearly immoral, too -- because that would be outrightly advocating wrong-doing! No, they like to dwell in the in-between -- in the fuzzy grey where right and wrong blurs and converges! And, where they can give just enough to titillate the senses to keep viewers riveted to the screens! Their justification (on sceen) is that the characters are human, make mistakes but are working through the mess and growing through the grey! Besides, grey is not black and grey-black, anyway, is not as bad as it is made out to be!

That best describes the ongoing screen sexual culture. TV watchers and movie goers -- and especially young people -- need to know the motives behind the media images that are hitting them from every side.  If you are not aware of the real motives, you would be inclined to think that what is portrayed is what should be followed. That is far from the truth! Sex on TV and the movies is a fantasy for the majority who really do not practice it. True, there are people in the world who live like TV and movie characters. But, they form a minority -- not a majority. In Western cultures, it might be a significant and rapidly growing minority threatening to overtake the majority. But, here in the East, it is still the lifestyle of the minority. And, we can keep it that way!

The Sexual Divide
When I was studying in the United States, I had quite a number of American friends. But, they could be divided into two distinct categories: those who practised abstinence, enjoying sex only in marriage and the rest who enjoyed it as and when they liked! And, the two sides never saw eye to eye! But, it is the latter's lifestyle that is blared out to the rest of the world through the media, while the world knows little about the former's lifestyle.

Observing these two lifestyles I noticed something very interesting. The abstinent generally come from a background where they have stable and secure relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, neighbours and other members of the community they live in. Even when there are problems in any one or more of the relationships there are other relationships to fall back on. So, they don't go looking for sex because they have no concept of physically connecting with another person in the absence of an emotionally secure relationship. When they find that one emotionally fulfilling relationship, they give themselves totally to it by getting married and sex follows!

The sexually free, however, enjoy whatever sex they can get but their relationships often end in break-ups, surprisingly! That one true love eludes them -- most of the time! I suspect that in some unconscious way they actually believe that it may not, or would not, happen to them. In which case, what is the point of abstaining and waiting for something that will, perhaps, never happen? Might as well make the best of what you can for the moment -- even if it is only a temporal physical encounter. If the real thing happens, great! If not, at least, they enjoyed a physical connection! So, the tacit argument goes!

This group of people have multiple sexual partners; they can have sex with anyone even if only superficially emotionally connected. For them, it is convenient to remove morality from sex; sex is celebrated for what it is purported to be -- the exchange of pleasure. Admittedly, that is another way to look at sex outside of marriage -- simply pleasure-giving. But it ignores the very harsh reality that it can be manipulated for abuse, where pleasure is reduced to nothing more than a commodity -- to be bartered. The so-called celebration of sex is in reality nothing more than an euphemism for the trade of the now increasingly available commodity, pleasure. The consequences are many: unwanted pregnancies, estranged partners, unwanted sexual diseases and emotional and psychological baggage which are the main causes of mental illnesses. The sexually liberated, however, can live with such risks because, I think, they are blind and or indifferent to the emotional disconnect.

When Sex Degrades Relationship
Which brings me to point I want to make: When sex is available without emotional bonding, the need to build good relationships disappears! Look at it logically. If you can have sex outside of an emotionally secure and fulfilling relationship, why bother about the latter? Unless emotional bonding is important to us, sex without it is a very attractive alternative and the natural consequence. So, you see, the trend to free sex very likely started as a consequence of a breakdown in emotional relationships. Relationships didn't work out and it might not work out as expected. Why hang around being lonely? Have sex. At least you can connect with someone, even if it is only a fleeting physical connection. It is better than nothing!

Free sex may have started from that social premise, but left unchecked, it can lead to an even worse social dilemma; the disintegration of emotional relationships. It is a vicious circle. When sex is readily available, emotional fulfillment may take a back seat. People may still want emotional fulfillment but it is harder to find. The reason is obvious. To grow emotionally means to exercise the emotional "limbs" in order to bond emotionally. That requires opportunities for the emotional "limbs" to operate. And that happens only in emotional relationships like with your parents, siblings and friends. Different emotional relationships build up different emotional skills but all are necessary to bond emotionally in any specific relationship.

If sex is easily available, what guarantee is there that emotional development will take place in a non-familial man-woman relationship? Men and women need to bond emotionally and given the chances to grow the emotional "limbs" in order to relate better because it is the lack of this more than the lack of sex that causes emotional estrangement.

We become secure, well-balanced people when we are emotionally stable, not when we are sexually satisfied although there is a place for the latter as well. But, if there is no societal restraint to check sexual engagement for the sake of emotional development the inevitable consequence is that more and more people will lose the use of emotional "limbs". They will become less skilled to bond emotionally. The result is simply stunted emotional growth. Sex my be flourishing but is it matched with an equal blossoming of emotional  bonding?

Look around us and it is apparent that emotional relationships are breaking down even in an environment of liberated sex. Is this what we want for now and the future? Easy sex and difficult emotional bonds?

That is the most serious consequence of free sex: the removal of a strong motivation to bond emotionally. If we are not sufficiently motivated to bond emotionally, we will eventually lose the use of emotional "limbs" necessary to make relationships work. And that is far more detrimental to human fulfillment than the lack of sexual pleasure because we would become inadept at emotional bonding! We become emotionally deprived, and, we know that emotional deprivation can lead to a host of mental illnesses. Is it surprising, then, that in the 21st Century we are facing and having to deal with a whole new array of mental illnesses?

When emotional bonding becomes harder to achieve, the need for sex becomes a stronger alternative. Like I said earlier, if you can't connect emotionally, the natural substitute or consequence is to connect sexually. Nor does it follow that if you can connect physically, you will also be able to connect emotionally! That isn't true anymore!

In the 21st Century, emotional bonding needs to be learnt!

Good Sex Follows Good Relationships!
So, you see, the emphasis should be emotional relating. If all that we want in a relationship is sex, then, that's all that we will get. But, if we want a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship, we will start with wanting to connect emotionally.

When the emotional relationship progresses, intimacy increases, and sex happens naturally. But, there is no room for abuse and manipulation because it is enjoyed in a safe, secure and exclusive relationship. That type of relationship is what marriage is all about. I believe, that is the only relationship in which sex can be enjoyed without abuse. In any other type of relationship, the opportunities to exploit sex are greater than the opportunities to exploit emotional bonds. It is best to avoid such relationships.

Between starting an emotional relationship and marriage, sex can happen, of course. But, that should be a personal choice based on mutual consent and respect of each other's religious, cultural and personal beliefs. In which case, please practise safe sex!

So, to my students, I say, look for friendships and build good emotional relationships. The issue isn't whether sex or virginity is acceptable in modern society. The issue is to rebuild what has deteriorated or broken down over time -- relationships. Build good relationships with the people around you and you develop your emotional make-up that will one day make you a great partner in a good relationship. And, sex? Well, good sex follows good relationships!

If we are interested in building healthy communities now and for the future, then we must start with building good relationships. If we don't, then we become party to this worldwide earthly effort to promote sex and undermine the building of stable emotionally fulfilling relationships. By not emphasising the building of good relationships, we are, in actual fact, encouraging and contributing to the breakdown of the family unit where emotional bonding is first learnt. Already this is happening. Should we not arrest and reverse the trend?

If we are serious about building whole, stable, emotional beings, we will build relationships!

Whoa! Why No Comments?

My profile views have shot up since my last posting but I've got not one comment! Now, why is that? I take it, more and more of my students are viewing my blog but I hope you are also reading the contents! Well, if you are reading, surely you'll have some comment to make?! Please, do comment. Otherwise, I'll think no one reads my blog and I might get discouraged!

A Theatrical Interlude

I want to give my readers a break from the heavy-duty emo-high articles I have been writing. I will go back to it after this little refreshing interruption! The English for Comm-unication course (which I taught this tri-mester) ended the last trimester of the May 2010 UTAR Foundation programme with a drama competition. The students had to form their own groups and present a 20-minute drama production primarily to demonstrate their language abilities in expressing a moral theme. Each lecturer teaching the course chose the best from their groups to compete in the contest that was held last Friday -- the last day of trimester.

It was really heartening to see the students put in all that effort to showcase their talents. The winning teams clearly won for their dramatization abilities and for portraying a clear moral theme. But, what encouraged me most was not that some teams won (I am glad they did!) but that all put in so much to give a heartfelt good presentation.

Some of the students told me that one team stayed up till 3am in campus practising for their presentation. Another said they forked out their own money to buy or rent the costumes and props. One student said his group of seven shared the cost to rent a RM 45 wig that one of the guys had to wear in his role as a woman!

I want to make special mention here of the group from my lecture class -- The Brotherhood of Penguins. Unlike the cast of the winning teams, they are not natural speakers of English and most are not fluent in the language. Yet, they came up with a script of comparable standard and practised and practised so hard to present a creditable presentation. According to a classmate, they had only two hours of sleep because they were practising for the contest!

I especially want to mention Tan Si Jie. She and Benjamin Woo (who played the role of the manipulative money-making scientist and pet shop owner) were not the original members of the group. They stood in for the two original members who did not want to contest for reasons best known to them.

On short notice, they threw in their lot and gave their best shot. Si Jie gave a commendable performance as the unsuspecting tourist, Gumbo, who gets conned. She played the role enthusiastically and with feeling -- a very good first effort! Benjamin, of course, was a good sport, playing up to the gallery when one of his coconut husks (that served to give him form as a woman) slipped! He unabashedly pushed it up and acted on! But, most importantly, was the effort the entire team put in and the remarkable progress they showed in so short a time, as a result of which they were able to compete with others who are naturally fluent and expressive in the English language.

I also liked their script. It was original and current, touching on the abuse of nature and the dire consequences it brought and it was atypical. The other scripts were typical showing the traditional themes of good versus evil while the penguins' script was modern and futuristic. Their dramatization was not as good as the others and the moral theme did not come across as strongly as the others. But, if there had been a special category for original script (and I were the judge!), they would have got top marks!

Besides, they are my students and I know what they can do and can't do. Where the penguins' team was concerned, they stretched their abilities beyond expectations. Congratulations! I hope you learned more than you realise through this experience.

Just like them, I think there were many teams who made tremendous language gains through this experience. It is always those who are weaker who learn most from these activities. Unfortunately, it is always those who are already stronger and better able, who walk away with the prizes! No, no. I don't regret that they won. I am glad for them. But, I think there should be additional prizes for those teams which made the most language gains. Afterall, the entire exercise was aimed to building language skills!

I hope the certificates and prizes the teams received amply made up for all the work that went in! If not, maybe a special fund needs to be set up so that commensurate prizes are given to students who truly deserve them.

Above are some of the pictures I took at the drama competition. I couldn't upload all the pictures as they would then be a mile long! I posted the best pictures here. I think you can recognise the penguins! The best team was the one with the angel and the red horned devil! They were great! I have also included here some pictures with past students because we all look so good! There's also a picture of the two students who kept us entertained with oldies while waiting for the judges and some sections of the audience!

Google for Self-esteem!

O, dear! Looks like no one has anything more to say about how to build self-esteem. Well, I googled for self-esteem and found there are umpteen articles on it. So, I think I am not going to add to the wealth of knowledge on the subject! Those who are interested should just go online and read as much as you can on the subject. Because I am convinced that self-esteem is the primary foundation of emotional stability.

Anyway, enough of self-esteem. My next topic is on virginity! Read about it in my next post which should be ready for viewing by the end of the week!

Self-esteem: Learning How To Develop It

My previous post did not mention how to build self-esteem simply because I didn't acquire it progressively over time; I just got it overnight -- miraculously! One day I didn't have it and the next day, I had it! I am sure there are ways to develop it. Somehow, I think, one good way of developing self-esteem is to be in affirming permanent relationships like family relationships where you are accepted for being the way you are created.

But, when you don't have the privilege of coming from a secure and stable family background, what do you do to build self-esteem? I don't know how. But, may be, you, the readers, may have some ideas and suggestions. I would like to hear from you. Let's have as many people as possible to give your comments! I think it will help those who really need to grow in self-esteem.

Hoping this blog will be jammed with your meaningful comments!

Excellent Comment!

That is an excellent comment, Bernard! You put it so succinctly what I was saying in all that number of words! And, glad to see that you read my blog! By the way, are you my student or a past student? I tried to get into your blog but didn't see an address. Could you explain how I can get to your blog from my blog?

Self-esteem -- The Safety Net That Catches You Before You Crash To Pieces!

I kept the best for the last which is simply this: If you have good self-esteem, it is unlikely that you will ever crash! I am no psychologist. Nor am I a trained medical practitioner to say this is so for sure! From my experiences, though -- and the experiences of others -- it appears that those with good self-esteem rarely fall apart.

When you don't have or have poor or low self-esteem, you are easily affected when things do not go as planned or expected and you tend to resort to compensatory behaviour to make up for the lack. So, you see people working hard for fear of failure. They strive for perfection for fear of criticism and rejection. They become image-conscious to impress in order to get respect and acceptance. They buy expensive things to show they have arrived. They wear gold to the hilt and baubles sparkle on their fingers, ears and neck to say they are not riff-raff! For the same reason, women bossess are fiercer than they need to be because they fear they won't be taken seriously!

Some swing to other extreme, and don't reveal the real person for the same fears. They are talented but behave like they are not. They are very smart but try to project an image of themselves as being average and dim-witted. Some of them are sufficiently financially secure, but go to great lengths to show they don't have the means. They are self-effacing essentially for the same reasons: fear of rejection, non-acceptance and a lack of respect if others knew the real person.

For me, all these are compensatory behaviour belying the root problem -- lack of self-esteem. Such people are overly concerned over how other people view them. But, people with self-esteem don't worry too much about how they are perceived. They are who they are and like themselves being so! They are not too bothered about external appearances and are able to take non-acceptance in their stride. They can take the crap life dishes out to them and still hold their own!

The reality of life is that we are going to be disappointed, rejected, abused, assaulted, tormented, bullied, deprived, suppressed, conned and dismissed. In short, we are going to get hurt! Those with self-respect know they are going to hurt others as much as others are going to hurt them! I mean, you are going to dump others just as you yourself will be dumped. That is a fact of life! What differs is the degree to which we would do it. If you have self-respect, you will treat others the same way you want them to treat you. You will actually be loving them as yourself!

The trick to keeping your head above waters despite life's battering is to deal with it in a way that you don't collapse. And, my belief is that the single most important thing about our emotional make-up that would keep us buoyant in the midst of swimming in waters too deep is self-esteem.

It is like a safety net that catches you before you hit concrete and break to pieces! People with low self-esteem engage in compensatory behaviour because it is a self-preservation defence mechanism. They build it up intuitively to protect themselves from attack -- because they can't take it. The flipside of it is that it stops them from seeing themselves as they really are and dealing with their shortcomings.

People with good self-esteem know their weaknesses -- and strengths -- and are not afraid to face the fact that they have hurt others. They see things as they are and are able to face the consequences of their actions. They face up to the truth - reality. If they have done wrong, they accept it, apologise, make amends and move on. They never dwell in the same emotional place for long. They treat others the same way they treat themselves, kindly!

You know, when I became a Christian, God did many things for me -- as He does for people all over the world. But, the one singular thing that Lord Jesus Christ did for me which solved the underlying problem and, as a result, all the attendant issues and symptoms associated with it, was this: He gave me self-esteem. It was not financial security, accomplishments and supportive relationships which helped me face up to the world. It was self-esteem. And, He did it overnight. Even after becoming a Christian, I had low self-esteem, not as a professional but as a woman and it affected the way I related with men.

I remember, a few years ago, when, in private prayer in my room, I affirmed who Jesus Christ is to me as He appeared to me many many years ago. At that time, during a migraine attack, I had cried out to God: "God, what did I do to deserve this?" As if in reply, Lord Jesus came down to my bedside and with outstretched arms said, calling me by name: "Gertrude, I am here for you!"

I never fully understood what that meant until a few years ago when I accepted what He said and came to terms with the fact that He is for me and it didn't matter if I didn't have a boyfriend or husband considering my broken record regarding men! Immediately, my self-esteem shot up! And, I didn't care what people thought of me. Now, I, sometimes, swing to the extreme and am totally insensitive to other people's opinion, but there are people close to me to correct me and put me back on track!

Soon after that, I began to realise that I was relating with people better -- with confidence and greater sensitivity. And the response from them got better and better. I am still learning but getting better as I go along. Now, when people treat me badly, I can take it where before I couldn't. Even better, I can hold my ground and seek an explanation or clarification to understand the situation better and give my point of view to improve communication. As a result, even difficult relationships have become manageable. And, since then, I have also never been depressed! Because the root cause -- lack of self-esteem -- was addressed.

I believe every educational effort, whether corporate, private, secular or spiritual, must aim at building an individual's self-esteem. Self-esteem is the only thing -- not money, not status, not achievements -- that will help people face the world we are living in. If you have self-esteem, you will find a way to get money, live as best as you can and be content within your constraints. If you don't get As, you won't crash! If you don't get too rich, you won't be unhappy! If you don't get what you want, although you tried, you won't be unfulfilled! If you don't have flashy cars, you won't doubt your social standing! You will make the best of what life offers and still be a full and fulfilled person!

Build self-esteem; it is learning to like yourself and doing to others what you would like them to do to you!

The Three Love Therapies: Love Talks, Love Acts and Love Forgives!

These are what I call the three key love therapies! They are in-built in healthy, thriving relationships. Engaging in them is therapeutic! They are tension releasers; they are the aromatherapeutic oils which lubricate the wheels of your relationship and keep it rolling along smoothly! For me, the most important is the first -- talking.

To make any headway in any relationship, you should be able to talk with the other person. Whether you are relating as a parent to a child, a boss to your staff, a leader to your followers, a friend to another friend, a sibling to another sibling or a man to a woman or vice versa, you have to talk.

Talking is relating, but I don't mean talking to or down to the other person or persons. That assumes a hierarchy, that one is superior to the other and you inevitably pull rank on the other side. Talk like that and you will turn off the other side! Talk like that for long and the other party will relate by reacting!  The best type of talking is when you talk with the other person. Then, you include him, her or they as being on your side and affirm the other as an equal in the relationship. Affirmation always encourages the other side to stay in the relationship! It softens defences and encourages you to reciprocate.

Talking is communicating. You say this and the other says that; words go to and fro between the two. Yet, a lot is communicated as you talk. It facilitates self-expression and self-revelation. It brings you closer to the other person because you get to know him/her or them better. It irons out uncertainties, dispels illusions and misperceptions and resolves conflicts. You stop assuming; you get the real facts, the truth -- and the chance to face up to it! It allows for tensions to fizzle out!

But if the only way you can talk is to or down, then the only thing you can expect is a breakdown in communication. People can't express what is in their hearts and all those unspoken concerns are built up until one day they explode -- often in your face! And, then, you naively wonder: "What went wrong?" Or, you declare defensively: "But, I didn't do anything wrong!" Yes, you did. You didn't talk and relate!

Of course, some people talked and all they got in return was a slap on the face! The worst thing to do in that case is to retreat, withdraw into your shell and put in place a slew of protocol on how people should relate to you in future! That would only create a distance between you and the other side and serve to further estrange the relationship and is totally off-putting! It communicates nothing but a lack of love. It says love was not enough to take the brunt and NOT turn it against the other.

When real talking stops, it is the beginning of the end of love. Eventually, the relationship dies. Nothing kills love more than lack of communication. Talking is communicating truth about yourselves; that is relating. If you can't talk with the other person, you can't know about the other person and you can't relate. If you can't relate, there is no relationship! If there is no relationship, there is no channel to show love! Of course, love will die and so will the relationship!

To start a relationship, talk. To keep a relationship moving, talk. To end a relationship, don't talk!

But, love that is all talk and no action is empty love or puerile love! It has no substance. Love always acts. True love is always demonstrated by action. You want to do things for the other. When you talk and get to know the other person, you naturally will begin to do things for the other. If love does not prompt action, it is definitely NOT love. Love is demonstrative. Love must act. The action always endears you to the other. It draws you to a deeper intimacy that talking alone can not achieve. When you know the other person loves you, but doesn't do anything about it, you know you are in a futile relationship. It is not going to go anywhere. Get out of it fast!

In romantic love, the man who acts is the man who woos. Brave men woo! I say they are brave because wooing is risky. She may not love you back! But brave men act to woo because they are willing to take the risk of wanting to know for sure if the women care for them, too.  Until they woo, they will never know whether their love interests are just as interested in them. If the response is negative, strong men don't fall apart. They accept the answer given and move on. And, you know, men will tell you that no matter what the response, every man who woos, grows! (This doesn't mean that you woo every woman! No, but if the first declined, it shouldn't deter the man to try again in the next serious relationship!)

Love which acts is the surest way of growing in love!

The last love therapy is forgiveness. This is so important in a relationship -- simply because people are only human and will make mistakes leading to conflicts and emotional stress. Ask for forgiveness and forgive just as easily and you make right the wrong in the relationship. You restore the relationship, and, often, it becomes stronger. But, when you are asking for forgiveness, don't say: "If I have done anything wrong, please forgive .... ." That is not asking for forgiveness because you really don't believe you have done wrong. That is arrogance! A sure deterrent to reconciliation!

The humble acknowledge their mistakes. Sometimes, the wrong is not what you did but what you didn't do! And, sometimes, the wrong is really not a "wrong" but simply something that the other side can't accept. The humble will see how that action might have wounded the other side and be quick to seek forgiveness. The humble also give forgiveness. The proud dig in their heels and resist a change of heart! In a relationship, if you can't be humble you can't ask for forgiveness nor can you give it. Humility opens the way of forgiveness and restoration of the relationship.

There, indeed, is great wisdom in that old-fashioned truth: Forgive and forget!

Next: The Last is Best!

Love Always Thinks Of The Other

I am no expert in love, but I learnt some priceless lessons from my broken relationships that I would like to share here. The first is about what love is which I have yet to experience! In this series on love, let me start with this topic.

Like what an old priest once explained as love, love always has the best interests of the other person at heart. Unfortunately, that is something I never saw in any of my partners; maybe that's why I let go of them so easily. Men want me. They may even fight for me. And they may adequately provide for me. But, they do not love me -- not in that deep sense that I feel loved. Somehow, I always felt that at the back of their minds, what counted was their -- not my -- interests, and, as a result, I would be short-changed.

Men, I think, don't understand other-centred love. They may genuinely want to love but really don't know how. I suspect the reason is because they have no concept of other-centred love. They have not seen such love among their own parents or mentors. Frankly, I haven't seen it around me, either!

When men talk about love, at the back of their mind, it means what they can get out it! Sex, (most of the time!), someone to take care of them, a pretty face on their arm to boost their ego, someone who will help them make more money, etc, etc, etc. The other person's interests are often subsumed for their own interests. They, of course, will deny this. But, unless they truly love their women, men think of themselves when they love. As long as the woman's material needs are taken care of, that is loving for them.

The woman may be dieing inside -- emotionally, but the man is blind to that. He just is unable to deal with that, or -- more truthfully -- doesn't want to because he doesn't know how, or he is plain too busy to try.

Maybe, that's the reason why so many women are so unhappy in marriage. Their men don't think of their emotional needs. That is the single most integral part of their womanhood they sacrifice for the men they love. But very few men see that and even fewer see it as their failing. Those who do and embrace the deep emotional make-up of women end up being very good partners -- and lovers!

Men need to think of the emotional needs of their women and find ways to meet those needs. But, unless you know your woman, you won't be aware of her emotional needs. If you want to know the real woman, you need to grapple with her emotional self. You need to spend time with her, talk with her, encourage her to reveal the depths of her being.

There's no formula on how to think of the best interests of your women. Every woman is different, just like every man is different. The thing to do is to be attuned to her. To do that you need to spend time talking with her and allowing her to talk with you. And to listen to her when she gets emotional. She may be revealing something of her inner being that will tell you where she is at. You ignore it and you miss knowing her more deeply!

If you can embrace the emotional side of your woman, it would be easy to meet her needs. You don't have to cross oceans, climb mountains and dive into depths to meet her needs. You will just know her better by talking with her. And, in knowing her better, give her what she wants, what would fulfill and satisfy her -- not what you think would and should keep her satisfied!

But, to reach that state of other-centred love, you need to start by talking honestly with her!

Next: The three things that will move your relationship!

Admirers Who Try In Vain!

I keep men at arm's length but that hasn't stopped them from trying their luck! Most of them didn't go far with me but three men were able to cut to the chase and get ahead! They succeeded because they treated me with respect and confidently eyeballed me and asked me out! They were good relationships which had to end for very good reasons. But we remain friends.

The rest, however, were just a nuisance! Most of them just couldn't take "no" for an answer. If a woman says "no" or doesn't respond to repeated advances, an intelligent man will know she is not interested and back off. A self-respecting man will back off and still treat you with respect. An idiot will keep trying and hit his head against the wall! The worst among the latter are those who notice you from a distance and want you to notice them noticing you but who will not go further than that.

For years they say "Hi" and "Bye" and do nothing else. Some of them are supposed to be men of integrity but they never act on their feelings but implied interest and communicated such to the people around them but did nothing to get close to the objects of their interest. I know some of these women. They waited for these men to make their move and waited. When nothing happened, they rightly ignored them and moved on. Worst still, some of these men walk around like wounded puppies -- as if they are the aggrieved parties when the truth is they never took the initiative to which the women could accept or reject. They assumed rejection when it never happened! I think all of these men need to go for counselling!

All of these types of men (with the exception of the three men who succeeded) know I am not their type but they try their luck with me. When you know I am not your type, why try your luck if not just to play games? To me that is sexual harassment. Of course, the few self-respecting ones who tried and failed don't give me a headache. They treat me with respect and leave me alone while maintaining cordially friendly relations. I wish all the others were like them.

I really am quite sick and tired of this. I am at a point in my life when I want good relationships. But, if I don't get it, I am very happy being the way I am. You know, it is better to be happily single than unhappily married!

Pre-Valentine Break-Up

I just ended a longstanding relationship. I must have the world record for broken relationships! Too many break-ups! I stayed in this one too long. Like so many women all over the world, I stayed because I hoped things would get better. They didn't and, maybe, I didn't want to accept what the signs were indicating -- this is a not-going-anywhere relationship! But, I still believed. Blinded by hope! Well, it had to end. It was the right thing to do. No, I am ok. Sad, but ok!

I wish men would leave me alone. They give me all the attention I don't want and demand the same in return. And, when they don't get it, they get mean and nasty! But, I can't be flirting with every man! A friend once told me: "You know, Gertrude, you should just be every guy's girlfriend!" Indeed! Yet, his words ring true because that's all they want from me: be "girlfriendish"!

Unfortunately, I don't play their game. And, they can't take it. And, so, I end up being dismissed, maligned and branded as "The Snob" -- simply because they didn't get what they want from me!

All I want is good friendship. Why is it so hard for men to give that?

My best relationships were with married men. Maybe it's because they are secure and could make me comfortable -- until I found out what they were up to and that they were married! Of course, I put an end to those relationships, too.

For men, a single woman is an easy prey. They hit on her from all sides. She doesn't ask for all this attention. It comes uninvited. The men themselves may be married or with partners but that doesn't stop them from indulging, often secretly. And, when they are found out, they get nasty! So, I always know when a man has some interest in me -- when he gets nasty for no apparent reason!

There was a time when I was a neurotic mess because of all this.  But, I soon got used to it and saw it for what it really is: sexual harassment. They say they are just being men; I say it is sexual harassment!

Now, I am emotionally very stable. So, I keep everyone at arm's length! And, if that comes across as being a snob, so be it!

My Valentine's post will be on the lessons I learnt from relationships! Coming up next!

Bashful Followers

Ah! I see new pictures among the followers! I recognise some of your names but I don't really know who owns the shoes and whose shadows are those! And, James, who might you be? Reveal yourselves! You know me. Surely, it should be ok for me to know you, too?

Of course, if I had 100s of followers, I wouldn't expect to know everyone of them. I would be flattered and it would be a good gauge of interest in my blog and the anonymity then might be necessary. But, for now, I only have a few followers and it would be nice to know who they are!

Hope to get to know you all better!

Thank You For Encouraging

I really am rushed for time, but I am going to squeeze in this short post because you readers have been so encouraging! You motivate me to keep on writing! So, Anonymous, thanks. But, could you reveal your identity? It would be nice to know who my readers are!

And, Fishie, no, I didn't forget you! But, among the followers I didn't see your name. Which one of the icons is yours? And, Brian, just give me a couple of weeks more when I get done with this semester and I'll visit your blog and comment!

Thanks again, folks, and I hope you really enjoy my posts!