Dear All,
The website is finally live! It is called GoodTimes and you can access it at www.goodtimes.my
Some of you can write. And I want young writers at GoodTimes. So, if you are interested and want to try your hand at writing, send me a note at gertrude@goodtimes.my and attach 2 of the latest pieces you wrote.
Also, stay with this blog for a while more because I will be starting a new blog and I will announce it here, probably by the end of Nov.
So, stay connected!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
GoodTimes is Live! Stay Connected!
Dear All,
The website is finally live! It is called GoodTimes and you can access it at www.goodtimes.my
Some of you can write. And I want young writers at GoodTimes. So, if you are interested and want to try your hand at writing, send me a note at gertrude@goodtimes.my and attach 2 of the latest pieces you wrote.
Also, stay with this blog for a while more because I will be starting a new blog and I will announce it here, probably by the end of Nov.
So, stay connected!
The website is finally live! It is called GoodTimes and you can access it at www.goodtimes.my
Some of you can write. And I want young writers at GoodTimes. So, if you are interested and want to try your hand at writing, send me a note at gertrude@goodtimes.my and attach 2 of the latest pieces you wrote.
Also, stay with this blog for a while more because I will be starting a new blog and I will announce it here, probably by the end of Nov.
So, stay connected!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Hello, Bernard
Hi, Bernard. Tried to go on to your blog but couldn't. Anyway, could you send me an email? Couldn't get your email address either!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Entering a New Phase
Today I start work as editor of a new news website. Yes, I am back practising journalism. I left it 10 years ago and went into teaching. I enjoyed teaching, especially when I taught journalism and journalism-related subjects. But, UTAR wanted to transfer me to the Kampar campus and for some reason I just couldn't get up and go even though, rationally, it was a good move. So, I had no choice but to resign.
Looking back, it apparently was a good move. I got this job which is just what I have always wanted to do! There might be a conflict of interests if I kept this blog. I will write one more blog announcing the new website and then it is sayonara to Warriorrose! But you can still read my articles at the new website. Look out for the announcement by the middle of next month!
Looking back, it apparently was a good move. I got this job which is just what I have always wanted to do! There might be a conflict of interests if I kept this blog. I will write one more blog announcing the new website and then it is sayonara to Warriorrose! But you can still read my articles at the new website. Look out for the announcement by the middle of next month!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Goodbye, UTAR!
When I joined UTAR in May, 2006, I thought it was going to be a short, uninvolved stint. But, I stayed on for three years, made good friends and now leave without regrets!
After the previous job, I became wary of staff. And, there is one very important physical space in my life where, unfortunately, I never made good friends. These two factors combined made me lose faith in people's ability to accept me as I am. Consequently, I became detached from the people around me because I lost confidence that they would reciprocate.
But, UTAR, unexpectedly, changed that! Well, not UTAR, but the students I got to know and grew to love, and the lecturers in the PD block staffroom where I had my office! That's me at my cubicle!
The students who got close to me I will never forget. Their idealism and openness to get to know me really softened my heart. They seemed able to see through me and because they reached forward, I eventually dropped my guard and discovered wonderful young people who I know will be a pleasure to be with where ever they go!
The lecturers ... they were such great company! I remember Dr Lim. I got to know his head of straight black hair before I got to know him! Being an owl, I keep late hours and often, rushing to get materials prepared, I would look over my cubicle walls and see no one around except for this bobbing tuft of black hair over his cubicle walls! And, I would feel relieved that I wasn't alone! It was only later that I knew that that was Dr Lim who also stayed back late to get work done, and we became friends.
When he left, I was wondering how I was going to stay up late working alone in the staffroom. That was when another lecturer, Sugu, also began to keep late hours working while waiting for his wife. Relief! I had company while working late! And, Sugu, being an IT lecturer, could be depended on everytime I faced a computer glitch!
But, nobody helped me with the computer like See, another IT lecturer! When I first joined UTAR, I used to stay up as late as 11pm. At that time, See occupied the cubicle next to me, and seeing me scrambling to get work done before classes, gallantly uploaded a compatible Microsoft software on my PC at home so that I could work at home! He used to discourage me from working late in the staffroom by saying: "There are ghosts in the staffroom! Some people heard voices!"
See was never too busy to help me with my computer problems! When he was busy, he would tell me to wait and come over when he was free to unravel the conundrum in my computer! I learnt a lot about how to make the computer work for me! Still clumsy with it but more literate now than before! Thanks to all the IT lecturers I hung around with! They were mostly located at the PD block staffroom.
Then, there were Dr Roy -- Swagy -- and Mariam, my sharing buddies and drinking khakis (partners)! I am always talking a mile a minute with them about all my ups and downs! And we found a number of pleasant tea places where we could have a nice cup of tea or teh tarik (Indian tea) and some sweets and/or savouries and chat until it was time to go home. I am going to miss that!
And, all the others, like Priya who found it a bit hard to handle my bluntness but persevered nevertheless! And, Kim Peng with whom I had many interesting chats along the isles between cubicles and who is now my new movie watching khaki! And Michelle who taught me how to use Excel! And, the newest friend, Yen Li (officially, Dr Lee!) who showed me how to enjoy Korean food!
All of you - students and lecturers - touched my life in some deep way. You broke my reserve and restored my faith in the goodness of humanity and in my abilities to make friends again. I will never forget. May God's blessings be on you!
Keep in touch, my friends. Those of us who must go in separate ways, farewell -- till we meet again, someday, somewhere, sometime!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Short Sweet Singapore Trip
I made a quick trip to Singapore last weekend to see my bedridden aunt. I got a good offer from Air Asia and everything fell into place and so flew down and back. It was sad to see my aunt in such a helpless state, slipping in and out of consciousness. Life is such, I guess. There are some things which are out of our control and it is best to accept the circumstances, make the best of it and go on.
But, I was glad that my aunt recognised me! And, she asked in blurred speech if I had had a drink. I enthusiastically said "yes!" It was also good to see that she is well taken care of with my cousins there for her.
It was a short trip, but I managed to see some things that I wanted to see in Singapore. I took in the night safari and that was a real treat! I don't know if the animals saw us because they looked very sleepy except for the biggest elephant who kept swinging its trunk and the energetic otters! The animal pens were located along a weaving walkway. It was cool and enjoyable going on the walking trails. Flashes are not allowed, so I didn't get many good pictures except for the few I have uploaded here. This is a picture of the Malaysian porcupine.
I also took in the Underwater Marine Park, which was also worth visiting, especially the part where you stand on the travellator and it takes you through the aquarium and you are able to see the fishes swim around and above you. You get to see their gills and fins, too! Some of them are truly quite ugly! But, here's a sweaty picture of me with one of the bigger fishes. The fish looks good, though!
Then, I walked about The Sands Singapore! That is an amazing pieces of architecture. It has three hotel towers of 50 floors on top of which is a rooftop restaurant. I wanted to get to the top to get a good view of the sea and the nearby islands but couldn't because the rooftop restaurant opens only in mid-July!
Time was running short, otherwise, I would have got into the casino -- free to foreigners but Singaporeans have to pay S$100 to enter! -- and tried my hand at the one-arm bandit! I just wanted to see what it is like in a casino. I am not a gambler and don't support the activity but I just like to know what is its attraction to people who don't mind risking so much for a shot at a win. I like to know about other lifestyles. Sorry! No pictures! The building was too big for me to get pictures to capture its size and character!
What was best about the trip was catching up with my cousins after so long. I have here a picture of three of them and myself having dinner at the Intercontinental Hotel. People always make the difference!
But, I was glad that my aunt recognised me! And, she asked in blurred speech if I had had a drink. I enthusiastically said "yes!" It was also good to see that she is well taken care of with my cousins there for her.
It was a short trip, but I managed to see some things that I wanted to see in Singapore. I took in the night safari and that was a real treat! I don't know if the animals saw us because they looked very sleepy except for the biggest elephant who kept swinging its trunk and the energetic otters! The animal pens were located along a weaving walkway. It was cool and enjoyable going on the walking trails. Flashes are not allowed, so I didn't get many good pictures except for the few I have uploaded here. This is a picture of the Malaysian porcupine.
Then, I walked about The Sands Singapore! That is an amazing pieces of architecture. It has three hotel towers of 50 floors on top of which is a rooftop restaurant. I wanted to get to the top to get a good view of the sea and the nearby islands but couldn't because the rooftop restaurant opens only in mid-July!
Time was running short, otherwise, I would have got into the casino -- free to foreigners but Singaporeans have to pay S$100 to enter! -- and tried my hand at the one-arm bandit! I just wanted to see what it is like in a casino. I am not a gambler and don't support the activity but I just like to know what is its attraction to people who don't mind risking so much for a shot at a win. I like to know about other lifestyles. Sorry! No pictures! The building was too big for me to get pictures to capture its size and character!
What was best about the trip was catching up with my cousins after so long. I have here a picture of three of them and myself having dinner at the Intercontinental Hotel. People always make the difference!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sex Is Overrated!
One of my students asked this question during a tutorial: Is virginity acceptable in modern society? I would like to address this issue. This same question can be reworded: Should pre-marital sex be acceptable in modern society? They, are, in fact, the same issue. And, an issue that is close to the hearts of young people and one that they are grappling with.
Media and the Sexual Myth
The question reflects the pressures a young person has to bear growing up in a society bombarded on every side by a media which relentlessly portrays sex as casual, easily available and unabashedly celebrated! In the media world, enjoying sex is the norm -- nothing to be made a big deal of!
I suspect the main motive behind media's portrayal of unbridled sex is money. Sex sells. Producers know that somewhere at the back of the mind, audiences want to see their fantasies of sex played out before their eyes -- only because it is not lived out in their own lives! The majority of people all over the world do not have the kind of sex they see on the screen. The majority of the world's population do not hop in and out of anyone's bed. They have their own partners and they usually stick with them through thick and thin!
But, that is not the reality media portrays. If it did, the industry would have died a long time ago! Media is not depicting reality; it is merely exposing the sexual fantasies of the majority who actually live monogamously faithful -- if boring -- lives because by doing so media brings in money to keep itself going!
The truth is that sex, after a while, gets boring. And, to get some meaning out of something that inevitably turns routine, people look for an exciting context to put the sizzle back into their sex lives! On TV and the movies, they find it -- in illicit sex. The more immoral the context, the more the thrill! That is the predominant theme in current media productions. On film, people are not very clear as to what is right and wrong, and get into sexual encounters which, minimally, are slightly off the moral compass.
Media portrayals are rarely black and white because that's too legalistic and -- again -- boring! They don't want to be clearly immoral, too -- because that would be outrightly advocating wrong-doing! No, they like to dwell in the in-between -- in the fuzzy grey where right and wrong blurs and converges! And, where they can give just enough to titillate the senses to keep viewers riveted to the screens! Their justification (on sceen) is that the characters are human, make mistakes but are working through the mess and growing through the grey! Besides, grey is not black and grey-black, anyway, is not as bad as it is made out to be!
That best describes the ongoing screen sexual culture. TV watchers and movie goers -- and especially young people -- need to know the motives behind the media images that are hitting them from every side. If you are not aware of the real motives, you would be inclined to think that what is portrayed is what should be followed. That is far from the truth! Sex on TV and the movies is a fantasy for the majority who really do not practice it. True, there are people in the world who live like TV and movie characters. But, they form a minority -- not a majority. In Western cultures, it might be a significant and rapidly growing minority threatening to overtake the majority. But, here in the East, it is still the lifestyle of the minority. And, we can keep it that way!
The Sexual Divide
When I was studying in the United States, I had quite a number of American friends. But, they could be divided into two distinct categories: those who practised abstinence, enjoying sex only in marriage and the rest who enjoyed it as and when they liked! And, the two sides never saw eye to eye! But, it is the latter's lifestyle that is blared out to the rest of the world through the media, while the world knows little about the former's lifestyle.
Observing these two lifestyles I noticed something very interesting. The abstinent generally come from a background where they have stable and secure relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, neighbours and other members of the community they live in. Even when there are problems in any one or more of the relationships there are other relationships to fall back on. So, they don't go looking for sex because they have no concept of physically connecting with another person in the absence of an emotionally secure relationship. When they find that one emotionally fulfilling relationship, they give themselves totally to it by getting married and sex follows!
The sexually free, however, enjoy whatever sex they can get but their relationships often end in break-ups, surprisingly! That one true love eludes them -- most of the time! I suspect that in some unconscious way they actually believe that it may not, or would not, happen to them. In which case, what is the point of abstaining and waiting for something that will, perhaps, never happen? Might as well make the best of what you can for the moment -- even if it is only a temporal physical encounter. If the real thing happens, great! If not, at least, they enjoyed a physical connection! So, the tacit argument goes!
This group of people have multiple sexual partners; they can have sex with anyone even if only superficially emotionally connected. For them, it is convenient to remove morality from sex; sex is celebrated for what it is purported to be -- the exchange of pleasure. Admittedly, that is another way to look at sex outside of marriage -- simply pleasure-giving. But it ignores the very harsh reality that it can be manipulated for abuse, where pleasure is reduced to nothing more than a commodity -- to be bartered. The so-called celebration of sex is in reality nothing more than an euphemism for the trade of the now increasingly available commodity, pleasure. The consequences are many: unwanted pregnancies, estranged partners, unwanted sexual diseases and emotional and psychological baggage which are the main causes of mental illnesses. The sexually liberated, however, can live with such risks because, I think, they are blind and or indifferent to the emotional disconnect.
When Sex Degrades Relationship
Which brings me to point I want to make: When sex is available without emotional bonding, the need to build good relationships disappears! Look at it logically. If you can have sex outside of an emotionally secure and fulfilling relationship, why bother about the latter? Unless emotional bonding is important to us, sex without it is a very attractive alternative and the natural consequence. So, you see, the trend to free sex very likely started as a consequence of a breakdown in emotional relationships. Relationships didn't work out and it might not work out as expected. Why hang around being lonely? Have sex. At least you can connect with someone, even if it is only a fleeting physical connection. It is better than nothing!
Free sex may have started from that social premise, but left unchecked, it can lead to an even worse social dilemma; the disintegration of emotional relationships. It is a vicious circle. When sex is readily available, emotional fulfillment may take a back seat. People may still want emotional fulfillment but it is harder to find. The reason is obvious. To grow emotionally means to exercise the emotional "limbs" in order to bond emotionally. That requires opportunities for the emotional "limbs" to operate. And that happens only in emotional relationships like with your parents, siblings and friends. Different emotional relationships build up different emotional skills but all are necessary to bond emotionally in any specific relationship.
If sex is easily available, what guarantee is there that emotional development will take place in a non-familial man-woman relationship? Men and women need to bond emotionally and given the chances to grow the emotional "limbs" in order to relate better because it is the lack of this more than the lack of sex that causes emotional estrangement.
We become secure, well-balanced people when we are emotionally stable, not when we are sexually satisfied although there is a place for the latter as well. But, if there is no societal restraint to check sexual engagement for the sake of emotional development the inevitable consequence is that more and more people will lose the use of emotional "limbs". They will become less skilled to bond emotionally. The result is simply stunted emotional growth. Sex my be flourishing but is it matched with an equal blossoming of emotional bonding?
Look around us and it is apparent that emotional relationships are breaking down even in an environment of liberated sex. Is this what we want for now and the future? Easy sex and difficult emotional bonds?
That is the most serious consequence of free sex: the removal of a strong motivation to bond emotionally. If we are not sufficiently motivated to bond emotionally, we will eventually lose the use of emotional "limbs" necessary to make relationships work. And that is far more detrimental to human fulfillment than the lack of sexual pleasure because we would become inadept at emotional bonding! We become emotionally deprived, and, we know that emotional deprivation can lead to a host of mental illnesses. Is it surprising, then, that in the 21st Century we are facing and having to deal with a whole new array of mental illnesses?
When emotional bonding becomes harder to achieve, the need for sex becomes a stronger alternative. Like I said earlier, if you can't connect emotionally, the natural substitute or consequence is to connect sexually. Nor does it follow that if you can connect physically, you will also be able to connect emotionally! That isn't true anymore!
In the 21st Century, emotional bonding needs to be learnt!
Good Sex Follows Good Relationships!
So, you see, the emphasis should be emotional relating. If all that we want in a relationship is sex, then, that's all that we will get. But, if we want a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship, we will start with wanting to connect emotionally.
When the emotional relationship progresses, intimacy increases, and sex happens naturally. But, there is no room for abuse and manipulation because it is enjoyed in a safe, secure and exclusive relationship. That type of relationship is what marriage is all about. I believe, that is the only relationship in which sex can be enjoyed without abuse. In any other type of relationship, the opportunities to exploit sex are greater than the opportunities to exploit emotional bonds. It is best to avoid such relationships.
Between starting an emotional relationship and marriage, sex can happen, of course. But, that should be a personal choice based on mutual consent and respect of each other's religious, cultural and personal beliefs. In which case, please practise safe sex!
So, to my students, I say, look for friendships and build good emotional relationships. The issue isn't whether sex or virginity is acceptable in modern society. The issue is to rebuild what has deteriorated or broken down over time -- relationships. Build good relationships with the people around you and you develop your emotional make-up that will one day make you a great partner in a good relationship. And, sex? Well, good sex follows good relationships!
If we are interested in building healthy communities now and for the future, then we must start with building good relationships. If we don't, then we become party to this worldwide earthly effort to promote sex and undermine the building of stable emotionally fulfilling relationships. By not emphasising the building of good relationships, we are, in actual fact, encouraging and contributing to the breakdown of the family unit where emotional bonding is first learnt. Already this is happening. Should we not arrest and reverse the trend?
If we are serious about building whole, stable, emotional beings, we will build relationships!
Media and the Sexual Myth
The question reflects the pressures a young person has to bear growing up in a society bombarded on every side by a media which relentlessly portrays sex as casual, easily available and unabashedly celebrated! In the media world, enjoying sex is the norm -- nothing to be made a big deal of!
I suspect the main motive behind media's portrayal of unbridled sex is money. Sex sells. Producers know that somewhere at the back of the mind, audiences want to see their fantasies of sex played out before their eyes -- only because it is not lived out in their own lives! The majority of people all over the world do not have the kind of sex they see on the screen. The majority of the world's population do not hop in and out of anyone's bed. They have their own partners and they usually stick with them through thick and thin!
But, that is not the reality media portrays. If it did, the industry would have died a long time ago! Media is not depicting reality; it is merely exposing the sexual fantasies of the majority who actually live monogamously faithful -- if boring -- lives because by doing so media brings in money to keep itself going!
The truth is that sex, after a while, gets boring. And, to get some meaning out of something that inevitably turns routine, people look for an exciting context to put the sizzle back into their sex lives! On TV and the movies, they find it -- in illicit sex. The more immoral the context, the more the thrill! That is the predominant theme in current media productions. On film, people are not very clear as to what is right and wrong, and get into sexual encounters which, minimally, are slightly off the moral compass.
Media portrayals are rarely black and white because that's too legalistic and -- again -- boring! They don't want to be clearly immoral, too -- because that would be outrightly advocating wrong-doing! No, they like to dwell in the in-between -- in the fuzzy grey where right and wrong blurs and converges! And, where they can give just enough to titillate the senses to keep viewers riveted to the screens! Their justification (on sceen) is that the characters are human, make mistakes but are working through the mess and growing through the grey! Besides, grey is not black and grey-black, anyway, is not as bad as it is made out to be!
That best describes the ongoing screen sexual culture. TV watchers and movie goers -- and especially young people -- need to know the motives behind the media images that are hitting them from every side. If you are not aware of the real motives, you would be inclined to think that what is portrayed is what should be followed. That is far from the truth! Sex on TV and the movies is a fantasy for the majority who really do not practice it. True, there are people in the world who live like TV and movie characters. But, they form a minority -- not a majority. In Western cultures, it might be a significant and rapidly growing minority threatening to overtake the majority. But, here in the East, it is still the lifestyle of the minority. And, we can keep it that way!
The Sexual Divide
When I was studying in the United States, I had quite a number of American friends. But, they could be divided into two distinct categories: those who practised abstinence, enjoying sex only in marriage and the rest who enjoyed it as and when they liked! And, the two sides never saw eye to eye! But, it is the latter's lifestyle that is blared out to the rest of the world through the media, while the world knows little about the former's lifestyle.
Observing these two lifestyles I noticed something very interesting. The abstinent generally come from a background where they have stable and secure relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, neighbours and other members of the community they live in. Even when there are problems in any one or more of the relationships there are other relationships to fall back on. So, they don't go looking for sex because they have no concept of physically connecting with another person in the absence of an emotionally secure relationship. When they find that one emotionally fulfilling relationship, they give themselves totally to it by getting married and sex follows!
The sexually free, however, enjoy whatever sex they can get but their relationships often end in break-ups, surprisingly! That one true love eludes them -- most of the time! I suspect that in some unconscious way they actually believe that it may not, or would not, happen to them. In which case, what is the point of abstaining and waiting for something that will, perhaps, never happen? Might as well make the best of what you can for the moment -- even if it is only a temporal physical encounter. If the real thing happens, great! If not, at least, they enjoyed a physical connection! So, the tacit argument goes!
This group of people have multiple sexual partners; they can have sex with anyone even if only superficially emotionally connected. For them, it is convenient to remove morality from sex; sex is celebrated for what it is purported to be -- the exchange of pleasure. Admittedly, that is another way to look at sex outside of marriage -- simply pleasure-giving. But it ignores the very harsh reality that it can be manipulated for abuse, where pleasure is reduced to nothing more than a commodity -- to be bartered. The so-called celebration of sex is in reality nothing more than an euphemism for the trade of the now increasingly available commodity, pleasure. The consequences are many: unwanted pregnancies, estranged partners, unwanted sexual diseases and emotional and psychological baggage which are the main causes of mental illnesses. The sexually liberated, however, can live with such risks because, I think, they are blind and or indifferent to the emotional disconnect.
When Sex Degrades Relationship
Which brings me to point I want to make: When sex is available without emotional bonding, the need to build good relationships disappears! Look at it logically. If you can have sex outside of an emotionally secure and fulfilling relationship, why bother about the latter? Unless emotional bonding is important to us, sex without it is a very attractive alternative and the natural consequence. So, you see, the trend to free sex very likely started as a consequence of a breakdown in emotional relationships. Relationships didn't work out and it might not work out as expected. Why hang around being lonely? Have sex. At least you can connect with someone, even if it is only a fleeting physical connection. It is better than nothing!
Free sex may have started from that social premise, but left unchecked, it can lead to an even worse social dilemma; the disintegration of emotional relationships. It is a vicious circle. When sex is readily available, emotional fulfillment may take a back seat. People may still want emotional fulfillment but it is harder to find. The reason is obvious. To grow emotionally means to exercise the emotional "limbs" in order to bond emotionally. That requires opportunities for the emotional "limbs" to operate. And that happens only in emotional relationships like with your parents, siblings and friends. Different emotional relationships build up different emotional skills but all are necessary to bond emotionally in any specific relationship.
If sex is easily available, what guarantee is there that emotional development will take place in a non-familial man-woman relationship? Men and women need to bond emotionally and given the chances to grow the emotional "limbs" in order to relate better because it is the lack of this more than the lack of sex that causes emotional estrangement.
We become secure, well-balanced people when we are emotionally stable, not when we are sexually satisfied although there is a place for the latter as well. But, if there is no societal restraint to check sexual engagement for the sake of emotional development the inevitable consequence is that more and more people will lose the use of emotional "limbs". They will become less skilled to bond emotionally. The result is simply stunted emotional growth. Sex my be flourishing but is it matched with an equal blossoming of emotional bonding?
Look around us and it is apparent that emotional relationships are breaking down even in an environment of liberated sex. Is this what we want for now and the future? Easy sex and difficult emotional bonds?
That is the most serious consequence of free sex: the removal of a strong motivation to bond emotionally. If we are not sufficiently motivated to bond emotionally, we will eventually lose the use of emotional "limbs" necessary to make relationships work. And that is far more detrimental to human fulfillment than the lack of sexual pleasure because we would become inadept at emotional bonding! We become emotionally deprived, and, we know that emotional deprivation can lead to a host of mental illnesses. Is it surprising, then, that in the 21st Century we are facing and having to deal with a whole new array of mental illnesses?
When emotional bonding becomes harder to achieve, the need for sex becomes a stronger alternative. Like I said earlier, if you can't connect emotionally, the natural substitute or consequence is to connect sexually. Nor does it follow that if you can connect physically, you will also be able to connect emotionally! That isn't true anymore!
In the 21st Century, emotional bonding needs to be learnt!
Good Sex Follows Good Relationships!
So, you see, the emphasis should be emotional relating. If all that we want in a relationship is sex, then, that's all that we will get. But, if we want a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship, we will start with wanting to connect emotionally.
When the emotional relationship progresses, intimacy increases, and sex happens naturally. But, there is no room for abuse and manipulation because it is enjoyed in a safe, secure and exclusive relationship. That type of relationship is what marriage is all about. I believe, that is the only relationship in which sex can be enjoyed without abuse. In any other type of relationship, the opportunities to exploit sex are greater than the opportunities to exploit emotional bonds. It is best to avoid such relationships.
Between starting an emotional relationship and marriage, sex can happen, of course. But, that should be a personal choice based on mutual consent and respect of each other's religious, cultural and personal beliefs. In which case, please practise safe sex!
So, to my students, I say, look for friendships and build good emotional relationships. The issue isn't whether sex or virginity is acceptable in modern society. The issue is to rebuild what has deteriorated or broken down over time -- relationships. Build good relationships with the people around you and you develop your emotional make-up that will one day make you a great partner in a good relationship. And, sex? Well, good sex follows good relationships!
If we are interested in building healthy communities now and for the future, then we must start with building good relationships. If we don't, then we become party to this worldwide earthly effort to promote sex and undermine the building of stable emotionally fulfilling relationships. By not emphasising the building of good relationships, we are, in actual fact, encouraging and contributing to the breakdown of the family unit where emotional bonding is first learnt. Already this is happening. Should we not arrest and reverse the trend?
If we are serious about building whole, stable, emotional beings, we will build relationships!
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