One of my students asked this question during a tutorial: Is virginity acceptable in modern society? I would like to address this issue. This same question can be reworded: Should pre-marital sex be acceptable in modern society? They, are, in fact, the same issue. And, an issue that is close to the hearts of young people and one that they are grappling with.
Media and the Sexual Myth
The question reflects the pressures a young person has to bear growing up in a society bombarded on every side by a media which relentlessly portrays sex as casual, easily available and unabashedly celebrated! In the media world, enjoying sex is the norm -- nothing to be made a big deal of!
I suspect the main motive behind media's portrayal of unbridled sex is
money. Sex sells. Producers know that somewhere at the back of the mind, audiences want to see their fantasies of sex played out before their eyes -- only because it is
not lived out in their own lives! The majority of people all over the world
do not have the kind of sex they see on the screen. The majority of the world's population
do not hop in and out of anyone's bed. They have their own partners and they usually stick with them through thick and thin!
But, that is not the reality media portrays. If it did, the industry would have died a long time ago! Media is not depicting reality; it is merely exposing the sexual fantasies of the majority who actually live monogamously faithful -- if boring -- lives because by doing so media brings in money to keep itself going!
The truth is that sex, after a while, gets boring. And, to get some meaning out of something that inevitably turns routine, people look for an exciting context to put the sizzle back into their sex lives! On TV and the movies, they find it -- in illicit sex. The more immoral the context, the more the thrill! That is the predominant theme in current media productions. On film, people are not very clear as to what is right and wrong, and get into sexual encounters which, minimally, are slightly off the moral compass.
Media portrayals are rarely black and white because that's too legalistic and -- again -- boring! They don't want to be clearly immoral, too -- because that would be outrightly advocating wrong-doing! No, they like to dwell in the in-between -- in the fuzzy grey where right and wrong blurs and converges! And, where they can give just enough to titillate the senses to keep viewers riveted to the screens! Their justification (on sceen) is that the characters are human, make mistakes but are working through the mess and growing through the grey! Besides, grey is not black and grey-black, anyway, is not as bad as it is made out to be!
That best describes the ongoing screen sexual culture. TV watchers and movie goers -- and especially young people -- need to know the motives behind the media images that are hitting them from every side. If you are not aware of the real motives, you would be inclined to think that what is portrayed is what should be followed. That is far from the truth! Sex on TV and the movies is a fantasy for the majority who really do not practice it. True, there are people in the world who live like TV and movie characters. But, they form a minority -- not a majority. In Western cultures, it might be a significant and rapidly growing minority threatening to overtake the majority. But, here in the East, it is still the lifestyle of the minority. And, we can keep it that way!
The Sexual Divide
When I was studying in the United States, I had quite a number of American friends. But, they could be divided into two distinct categories: those who practised abstinence, enjoying sex only in marriage and the rest who enjoyed it as and when they liked! And, the two sides never saw eye to eye! But, it is the latter's lifestyle that is blared out to the rest of the world through the media, while the world knows little about the former's lifestyle.
Observing these two lifestyles I noticed something very interesting. The abstinent generally come from a background where they have stable and secure relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, neighbours and other members of the community they live in. Even when there are problems in any one or more of the relationships there are other relationships to fall back on. So, they don't go looking for sex because they have no concept of physically connecting with another person in the absence of an emotionally secure relationship. When they find that one emotionally fulfilling relationship, they give themselves totally to it by getting married and sex follows!
The sexually free, however, enjoy whatever sex they can get but their relationships often end in break-ups, surprisingly! That one true love eludes them -- most of the time! I suspect that in some unconscious way they actually believe that it may not, or would not, happen to them. In which case, what is the point of abstaining and waiting for something that will, perhaps, never happen? Might as well make the best of what you can for the moment -- even if it is only a temporal physical encounter. If the real thing happens, great! If not, at least, they enjoyed a physical connection! So, the tacit argument goes!
This group of people have multiple sexual partners; they can have sex with anyone even if only superficially emotionally connected. For them, it is convenient to remove morality from sex; sex is celebrated for what it is purported to be -- the exchange of pleasure. Admittedly, that is another way to look at sex outside of marriage -- simply pleasure-giving. But it ignores the very harsh reality that it can be manipulated for abuse, where pleasure is reduced to nothing more than a commodity -- to be bartered. The so-called celebration of sex is in reality nothing more than an euphemism for the trade of the now increasingly available commodity, pleasure. The consequences are many: unwanted pregnancies, estranged partners, unwanted sexual diseases and emotional and psychological baggage which are the main causes of mental illnesses. The sexually liberated, however, can live with such risks because, I think, they are blind and or indifferent to the emotional disconnect.
When Sex Degrades Relationship
Which brings me to point I want to make: When sex is available without emotional bonding, the need to build good relationships disappears! Look at it logically. If you can have sex outside of an emotionally secure and fulfilling relationship, why bother about the latter? Unless emotional bonding is important to us, sex without it is a very attractive alternative and the natural consequence. So, you see, the trend to free sex very likely started as a consequence of a breakdown in emotional relationships. Relationships didn't work out and it might not work out as expected. Why hang around being lonely? Have sex. At least you can connect with someone, even if it is only a fleeting physical connection. It is better than nothing!
Free sex may have started from that social premise, but left unchecked, it can lead to an even worse social dilemma; the disintegration of emotional relationships. It is a vicious circle. When sex is readily available, emotional fulfillment may take a back seat. People may still want emotional fulfillment but it is harder to find. The reason is obvious. To grow emotionally means to exercise the emotional "limbs" in order to bond emotionally. That requires opportunities for the emotional "limbs" to operate. And that happens only in emotional relationships like with your parents, siblings and friends. Different emotional relationships build up different emotional skills but all are necessary to bond emotionally in any specific relationship.
If sex is easily available, what guarantee is there that emotional development will take place in a non-familial man-woman relationship? Men and women need to bond emotionally and given the chances to grow the emotional "limbs" in order to relate better because it is the lack of this more than the lack of sex that causes emotional estrangement.
We become secure, well-balanced people when we are emotionally stable, not when we are sexually satisfied although there is a place for the latter as well. But, if there is no societal restraint to check sexual engagement for the sake of emotional development the inevitable consequence is that more and more people will lose the use of emotional "limbs". They will become less skilled to bond emotionally. The result is simply stunted emotional growth. Sex my be flourishing but is it matched with an equal blossoming of emotional bonding?
Look around us and it is apparent that emotional relationships are breaking down even in an environment of liberated sex. Is this what we want for now and the future? Easy sex and difficult emotional bonds?
That is the most serious consequence of free sex: the removal of a strong motivation to bond emotionally. If we are not sufficiently motivated to bond emotionally, we will eventually lose the use of emotional "limbs" necessary to make relationships work. And that is far more detrimental to human fulfillment than the lack of sexual pleasure because we would become inadept at emotional bonding! We become emotionally deprived, and, we know that emotional deprivation can lead to a host of mental illnesses. Is it surprising, then, that in the 21st Century we are facing and having to deal with a whole new array of mental illnesses?
When emotional bonding becomes harder to achieve, the need for sex becomes a stronger alternative. Like I said earlier, if you
can't connect emotionally, the natural substitute or consequence is to connect sexually. Nor does it follow that if you
can connect physically, you will also be able to connect emotionally! That isn't true anymore!
In the 21st Century, emotional bonding needs to be learnt!
Good Sex Follows Good Relationships!
So, you see, the emphasis should be emotional relating. If all that we want in a relationship is sex, then, that's all that we will get. But, if we want a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship, we will start with wanting to connect emotionally.
When the emotional relationship progresses, intimacy increases, and sex happens naturally. But, there is no room for abuse and manipulation because it is enjoyed in a safe, secure and exclusive relationship. That type of relationship is what marriage is all about. I believe, that is the only relationship in which sex can be enjoyed without abuse. In any other type of relationship, the opportunities to exploit sex are greater than the opportunities to exploit emotional bonds. It is best to avoid such relationships.
Between starting an emotional relationship and marriage, sex can happen, of course. But, that should be a personal choice based on mutual consent and respect of each other's religious, cultural and personal beliefs. In which case, please practise safe sex!
So, to my students, I say, look for friendships and build good emotional relationships. The issue
isn't whether sex or virginity is acceptable in modern society. The issue is to rebuild what has deteriorated or broken down over time -- relationships. Build good relationships with the people around you and you develop your emotional make-up that will one day make you a great partner in a good relationship. And, sex? Well, good sex follows good relationships!
If we are interested in building healthy communities now and for the future, then we must start with building good relationships. If we don't, then we become party to this worldwide earthly effort to promote sex and undermine the building of stable emotionally fulfilling relationships. By
not emphasising the building of good relationships, we are, in actual fact, encouraging and contributing to the breakdown of the family unit where emotional bonding is first learnt. Already this is happening. Should we not arrest and reverse the trend?
If we are serious about building whole, stable, emotional beings, we will build relationships!
