That Final Goodbye and Hello, 2009, and Beyond

I am at a very happy place now....... .

But, I never forget where I have been. I don't forget those dark dreadful desolate days when you had barely enough will to make it through the day. When you summoned every iota of strength to just stay afloat -- emotionally. When it was one long melancholic night. When awful sadness was your constant companion. When slight stress threw you off your balance. When you had no energy to think of anything or anybody else except yourself because you were fighting to stay alive.

And, when you had to deal with loss all the time. I lost everyone close to me -- family members, relatives, friends, boyfriends -- in one way or another, through death, separation or plain parting of ways. I tripped every time it happened, and sank into that gut-ripping anguishing ache that took years from which to get out.

I lost a crucial part of my life to depression, during which time I could not sustain a relationship. There were many goodbyes then, and with each, I slipped back and relapsed. After a while, I just gave up trying to start a relationship.

But the point I want to make now is this: All that is far behind me because I healed. I healed! When I was going through all that I didn't know it was depression and that it was an illness that could be treated. I only knew the pain I was going through and did the only thing I knew to get better: I turned to God. I read the Bible and as I understood -- not by rational thought but by faith -- I acted accordingly. And, I got better. Each day got better.

There was no professional help and no medicine to alleviate the pain. Just simple steps of faith.

It was a long and arduous journey. Sometimes, I feel like I had hacked my way through some emotional Jurassic jungle. I have often wondered why I didn't lose my way and perish. I have no answer except that I called on the Name of God and He saved me. Trite though it may sound, it is the truth. I am eternally grateful to Him for saving me and no matter what doubts modern intellectuals cast on the existence of God, I know -- from the depths of my being -- I know, He exists because He helped me.

And, I came out of my depression. I know what it is like although I am unable to go back there anymore. I am completely healed. I no longer sink to those horrible damned depths. That downward route has simply vanished. My depression is history.

Now? Now, I am at a very good place. Emotionally stable and secure, my self-esteem restored. I am discovering myself and the things that I had shut out, again. I love what I am doing and looking forward to possibilities. The past is mostly forgotten. Once in a while, though, something will jolt it back into memory, like when I read Asohan's article and, then, I want to tell all the depression sufferers: Hang on in there; there's light at the end of the tunnel. I healed and came out of it. So, have countless others all over the world. And, so can you.

And, so can you, Asohan! This is the hope I want to give you: the light is ahead and you can reach it. So, Asohan, I am wishing that the new year will be full of hope for you -- that you will live to a ripe old age, see your daughters grow up and get married and have children and see your grand-children and, perhaps, even your great grandchildren. Because you are their history. And, I am wishing that their history will encourage them to live as fully as you will.

I am poised to seize everything life has to offer me. Some people say I may be getting old for that. They say that I should have done these things when I was younger. But when I was younger I couldn't. They say that only because they do not know what I know and where I have been. I am not going to waste time nor be constrained by the small-mindedness of people who do not know.

When I realised that I had lost a good part of my life to depression, I asked God to give me back the years I lost. Maybe, He is doing just that. Besides, why should we let age -- just a number -- define how we are to live? I think everyone at whatever age should get the better of whatever life throws at them. If we can get on top of it, we will be enriched by the experience and grow. If we can't handle it then it is best not to venture into it because you will only be making a spectacle of yourself and remain "ungrowing" -- if there is such a word!

My students exclaim incredulously that I look very young. I tell them: "It's a gift from God." It reminds me that, maybe, He is answering my prayers. That I have been given the chance to live again and enjoy all the things that I missed, especially the joys of relationships.

Because of my past, I have been so scared of losing people who get close to me that I have given up saying "hello!" for fear of saying "goodbye". I mean, the worst thing you can do to me is to say "goodbye" or exit without saying anything.

Well, this article is my last and final goodbye to that subterranean unexpressed fear that was exposed in the last moments of Christmas service. (By the way, this type of illumination is a very common Christian experience during services and prayer time. We call it divine illumination/revelation/intervention because when we act on it, things happen!)

From now on, I am going to affirm every good thing -- and every good relationship -- that comes my way. I am not going to say "goodbye", unless it is for a while only. From a temporary goodbye, another kind of hello can begin.

So, goodbye to goodbyes. My hellos have begun!

I have dedicated this article to you, Asohan, to let you know that you are not alone and that there are people rooting for you -- even strangers. And, I am hoping that those of you who read this article will pass the word around to those groping in the dark: There is light at the end of the tunnel, even when the tunnel seems neverending. There IS light. Believe it.

So, here's to you, Asohan, and us, and everyone else who has suffered estrangement of one sort or another. Not just to the survivors, but to us who will live. Here's to Life!

A Happy New Year and to a full life!

"Hello, everyone! And, helloooooooooooooooo............ 2009!
"Welcome!"