Love Always Thinks Of The Other

I am no expert in love, but I learnt some priceless lessons from my broken relationships that I would like to share here. The first is about what love is which I have yet to experience! In this series on love, let me start with this topic.

Like what an old priest once explained as love, love always has the best interests of the other person at heart. Unfortunately, that is something I never saw in any of my partners; maybe that's why I let go of them so easily. Men want me. They may even fight for me. And they may adequately provide for me. But, they do not love me -- not in that deep sense that I feel loved. Somehow, I always felt that at the back of their minds, what counted was their -- not my -- interests, and, as a result, I would be short-changed.

Men, I think, don't understand other-centred love. They may genuinely want to love but really don't know how. I suspect the reason is because they have no concept of other-centred love. They have not seen such love among their own parents or mentors. Frankly, I haven't seen it around me, either!

When men talk about love, at the back of their mind, it means what they can get out it! Sex, (most of the time!), someone to take care of them, a pretty face on their arm to boost their ego, someone who will help them make more money, etc, etc, etc. The other person's interests are often subsumed for their own interests. They, of course, will deny this. But, unless they truly love their women, men think of themselves when they love. As long as the woman's material needs are taken care of, that is loving for them.

The woman may be dieing inside -- emotionally, but the man is blind to that. He just is unable to deal with that, or -- more truthfully -- doesn't want to because he doesn't know how, or he is plain too busy to try.

Maybe, that's the reason why so many women are so unhappy in marriage. Their men don't think of their emotional needs. That is the single most integral part of their womanhood they sacrifice for the men they love. But very few men see that and even fewer see it as their failing. Those who do and embrace the deep emotional make-up of women end up being very good partners -- and lovers!

Men need to think of the emotional needs of their women and find ways to meet those needs. But, unless you know your woman, you won't be aware of her emotional needs. If you want to know the real woman, you need to grapple with her emotional self. You need to spend time with her, talk with her, encourage her to reveal the depths of her being.

There's no formula on how to think of the best interests of your women. Every woman is different, just like every man is different. The thing to do is to be attuned to her. To do that you need to spend time talking with her and allowing her to talk with you. And to listen to her when she gets emotional. She may be revealing something of her inner being that will tell you where she is at. You ignore it and you miss knowing her more deeply!

If you can embrace the emotional side of your woman, it would be easy to meet her needs. You don't have to cross oceans, climb mountains and dive into depths to meet her needs. You will just know her better by talking with her. And, in knowing her better, give her what she wants, what would fulfill and satisfy her -- not what you think would and should keep her satisfied!

But, to reach that state of other-centred love, you need to start by talking honestly with her!

Next: The three things that will move your relationship!

Admirers Who Try In Vain!

I keep men at arm's length but that hasn't stopped them from trying their luck! Most of them didn't go far with me but three men were able to cut to the chase and get ahead! They succeeded because they treated me with respect and confidently eyeballed me and asked me out! They were good relationships which had to end for very good reasons. But we remain friends.

The rest, however, were just a nuisance! Most of them just couldn't take "no" for an answer. If a woman says "no" or doesn't respond to repeated advances, an intelligent man will know she is not interested and back off. A self-respecting man will back off and still treat you with respect. An idiot will keep trying and hit his head against the wall! The worst among the latter are those who notice you from a distance and want you to notice them noticing you but who will not go further than that.

For years they say "Hi" and "Bye" and do nothing else. Some of them are supposed to be men of integrity but they never act on their feelings but implied interest and communicated such to the people around them but did nothing to get close to the objects of their interest. I know some of these women. They waited for these men to make their move and waited. When nothing happened, they rightly ignored them and moved on. Worst still, some of these men walk around like wounded puppies -- as if they are the aggrieved parties when the truth is they never took the initiative to which the women could accept or reject. They assumed rejection when it never happened! I think all of these men need to go for counselling!

All of these types of men (with the exception of the three men who succeeded) know I am not their type but they try their luck with me. When you know I am not your type, why try your luck if not just to play games? To me that is sexual harassment. Of course, the few self-respecting ones who tried and failed don't give me a headache. They treat me with respect and leave me alone while maintaining cordially friendly relations. I wish all the others were like them.

I really am quite sick and tired of this. I am at a point in my life when I want good relationships. But, if I don't get it, I am very happy being the way I am. You know, it is better to be happily single than unhappily married!

Pre-Valentine Break-Up

I just ended a longstanding relationship. I must have the world record for broken relationships! Too many break-ups! I stayed in this one too long. Like so many women all over the world, I stayed because I hoped things would get better. They didn't and, maybe, I didn't want to accept what the signs were indicating -- this is a not-going-anywhere relationship! But, I still believed. Blinded by hope! Well, it had to end. It was the right thing to do. No, I am ok. Sad, but ok!

I wish men would leave me alone. They give me all the attention I don't want and demand the same in return. And, when they don't get it, they get mean and nasty! But, I can't be flirting with every man! A friend once told me: "You know, Gertrude, you should just be every guy's girlfriend!" Indeed! Yet, his words ring true because that's all they want from me: be "girlfriendish"!

Unfortunately, I don't play their game. And, they can't take it. And, so, I end up being dismissed, maligned and branded as "The Snob" -- simply because they didn't get what they want from me!

All I want is good friendship. Why is it so hard for men to give that?

My best relationships were with married men. Maybe it's because they are secure and could make me comfortable -- until I found out what they were up to and that they were married! Of course, I put an end to those relationships, too.

For men, a single woman is an easy prey. They hit on her from all sides. She doesn't ask for all this attention. It comes uninvited. The men themselves may be married or with partners but that doesn't stop them from indulging, often secretly. And, when they are found out, they get nasty! So, I always know when a man has some interest in me -- when he gets nasty for no apparent reason!

There was a time when I was a neurotic mess because of all this.  But, I soon got used to it and saw it for what it really is: sexual harassment. They say they are just being men; I say it is sexual harassment!

Now, I am emotionally very stable. So, I keep everyone at arm's length! And, if that comes across as being a snob, so be it!

My Valentine's post will be on the lessons I learnt from relationships! Coming up next!

Bashful Followers

Ah! I see new pictures among the followers! I recognise some of your names but I don't really know who owns the shoes and whose shadows are those! And, James, who might you be? Reveal yourselves! You know me. Surely, it should be ok for me to know you, too?

Of course, if I had 100s of followers, I wouldn't expect to know everyone of them. I would be flattered and it would be a good gauge of interest in my blog and the anonymity then might be necessary. But, for now, I only have a few followers and it would be nice to know who they are!

Hope to get to know you all better!