That Final Goodbye and Hello, 2009, and Beyond

I am at a very happy place now....... .

But, I never forget where I have been. I don't forget those dark dreadful desolate days when you had barely enough will to make it through the day. When you summoned every iota of strength to just stay afloat -- emotionally. When it was one long melancholic night. When awful sadness was your constant companion. When slight stress threw you off your balance. When you had no energy to think of anything or anybody else except yourself because you were fighting to stay alive.

And, when you had to deal with loss all the time. I lost everyone close to me -- family members, relatives, friends, boyfriends -- in one way or another, through death, separation or plain parting of ways. I tripped every time it happened, and sank into that gut-ripping anguishing ache that took years from which to get out.

I lost a crucial part of my life to depression, during which time I could not sustain a relationship. There were many goodbyes then, and with each, I slipped back and relapsed. After a while, I just gave up trying to start a relationship.

But the point I want to make now is this: All that is far behind me because I healed. I healed! When I was going through all that I didn't know it was depression and that it was an illness that could be treated. I only knew the pain I was going through and did the only thing I knew to get better: I turned to God. I read the Bible and as I understood -- not by rational thought but by faith -- I acted accordingly. And, I got better. Each day got better.

There was no professional help and no medicine to alleviate the pain. Just simple steps of faith.

It was a long and arduous journey. Sometimes, I feel like I had hacked my way through some emotional Jurassic jungle. I have often wondered why I didn't lose my way and perish. I have no answer except that I called on the Name of God and He saved me. Trite though it may sound, it is the truth. I am eternally grateful to Him for saving me and no matter what doubts modern intellectuals cast on the existence of God, I know -- from the depths of my being -- I know, He exists because He helped me.

And, I came out of my depression. I know what it is like although I am unable to go back there anymore. I am completely healed. I no longer sink to those horrible damned depths. That downward route has simply vanished. My depression is history.

Now? Now, I am at a very good place. Emotionally stable and secure, my self-esteem restored. I am discovering myself and the things that I had shut out, again. I love what I am doing and looking forward to possibilities. The past is mostly forgotten. Once in a while, though, something will jolt it back into memory, like when I read Asohan's article and, then, I want to tell all the depression sufferers: Hang on in there; there's light at the end of the tunnel. I healed and came out of it. So, have countless others all over the world. And, so can you.

And, so can you, Asohan! This is the hope I want to give you: the light is ahead and you can reach it. So, Asohan, I am wishing that the new year will be full of hope for you -- that you will live to a ripe old age, see your daughters grow up and get married and have children and see your grand-children and, perhaps, even your great grandchildren. Because you are their history. And, I am wishing that their history will encourage them to live as fully as you will.

I am poised to seize everything life has to offer me. Some people say I may be getting old for that. They say that I should have done these things when I was younger. But when I was younger I couldn't. They say that only because they do not know what I know and where I have been. I am not going to waste time nor be constrained by the small-mindedness of people who do not know.

When I realised that I had lost a good part of my life to depression, I asked God to give me back the years I lost. Maybe, He is doing just that. Besides, why should we let age -- just a number -- define how we are to live? I think everyone at whatever age should get the better of whatever life throws at them. If we can get on top of it, we will be enriched by the experience and grow. If we can't handle it then it is best not to venture into it because you will only be making a spectacle of yourself and remain "ungrowing" -- if there is such a word!

My students exclaim incredulously that I look very young. I tell them: "It's a gift from God." It reminds me that, maybe, He is answering my prayers. That I have been given the chance to live again and enjoy all the things that I missed, especially the joys of relationships.

Because of my past, I have been so scared of losing people who get close to me that I have given up saying "hello!" for fear of saying "goodbye". I mean, the worst thing you can do to me is to say "goodbye" or exit without saying anything.

Well, this article is my last and final goodbye to that subterranean unexpressed fear that was exposed in the last moments of Christmas service. (By the way, this type of illumination is a very common Christian experience during services and prayer time. We call it divine illumination/revelation/intervention because when we act on it, things happen!)

From now on, I am going to affirm every good thing -- and every good relationship -- that comes my way. I am not going to say "goodbye", unless it is for a while only. From a temporary goodbye, another kind of hello can begin.

So, goodbye to goodbyes. My hellos have begun!

I have dedicated this article to you, Asohan, to let you know that you are not alone and that there are people rooting for you -- even strangers. And, I am hoping that those of you who read this article will pass the word around to those groping in the dark: There is light at the end of the tunnel, even when the tunnel seems neverending. There IS light. Believe it.

So, here's to you, Asohan, and us, and everyone else who has suffered estrangement of one sort or another. Not just to the survivors, but to us who will live. Here's to Life!

A Happy New Year and to a full life!

"Hello, everyone! And, helloooooooooooooooo............ 2009!
"Welcome!"

Happy Christmas Opens Up Something New For The Future

Ha, two new friends have sent me Christmas greetings! Fishie and Zhen! Zhen, you must be the "Zhen" from TC1! My Christmas turned out to be a happy family affair, tinged oh! so slightly by the fact that the new friends I made this year didn't send me any Christmas greetings! Except for Fishie and Zhen. Well, folks? What's happening? Can't wish a gal a happy Christmas greeting?! Don't want to keep in touch?

And, O, Kimmie, yes, what a glaring mistake! And, in the headline, too! That was an error. I have corrected it. The word should be spelt as I have corrected it now. There is no "n" before the "m". As for the "hottie"? Hmmmm.... maybe he will reply!

While Christmas turned out to be a happy affair, a couple of things happend that will determine how I am going to welcome 2009.

First, I caught up on sleep -- or, still catching up! But, sitting through the Christmas service, trying not to doze off, somewhere at the end, a very clear thought came to my mind: I should affirm the relationships God is giving me. My mind immediately woke up. I thought to myself: You mean I don't affirm the relationships that come my way? I wondered about it.

The Sunday after, I was reading Starmag when a heading caught my attention: Suicide diaries. It was an article written by a former colleague, A. Asohan, in his column, Stray Thoughts. He wrote about depression and whether jailing someone -- particularly a 16-year-old who had attempted suicide -- was really the solution to the problem. He shared some of his own experiences of suffering from depression and concluded that "we've got to remove the stigma from mental health problems and realise that many people need professional help these days, and there's nothing wrong with seeing a psychologist or psychiartrist to get it".

I couldn't agree with him more and my mind went back to those dark distant days when I battled depression on my own ...... .

Tomorrow: That Final Goodbye and Hello, 2009, and Beyond

The Silence is Deafening!

Folks! I have not received even one photograph! Don't I have readers who take pictures? O, dear, maybe I don't have enough readers! OK, ok. Take your time and get pictures. Send them to me when you can!

I am waiting in anticipation for your photographs!

By the way, Fishie, I am "cute"? I hope that is a compliment! And, Kenny, that was a good comment you wrote. And, if you want to be an American, please be one. Go chase after your dream. Better to dream and go for it than not to dream and be in a rut!

Rush Takes The Song Out Of Christmas!

December is my favourite month. When I was working as a journalist with The Star first and later The SUN, when December came, I would lightfoot into office with a skip in my steps and a carol on my lips. Christmas times a'coming, Christmas times a'coming. Lord, I'm going on leave! (In the actual song, the last line reads as Lord, I'm going home!)

My colleagues would get irritated at my unrestrained happiness because they had to bury their heads in their work and all that stress. But, I, I would be happy because that was when I would go on looonng leave while they held the fort! It was a very fair arrangement because at Chinese New Year, Hari Raya and Deepavali, I held the fort while they went on leave. But, at Christmas, I didn't care who was working as long as I could go on leave! And, so, I would book my leave well in advance.

So, when Christmas came around, I would be in high spirits. Christmas times a'coming, Christmas times a'coming. Lord, I'm going on leave! God bless you merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay ... ! Invariably, my colleagues would snort and snigger.

"O God, there she goes again. "
"Hey, we are working!"
"O, no! She can't be stopped!"

Do you hear what I hear? Said the little boy to the mighty king. I love December, the Christmas season. I enjoy the preparations, buying gifts for the little relatives and some old ones, too! Putting up the Christmas tree. Sprucing up my house, changing the curtains and cushion covers and adding the little Christmassy touches here and there. A poinsetia plant here. A bunch of flowers over there. Red table decor with fragrant candles.

Those days I used to sing in the Christmas specials my church used to organise. It was hectic but fun planning, practising and rehearsing for the big presentation. Then, on Christmas day, after service we would go off and have a nice meal somewhere.

Sometimes, I would have Christmas lunch or dinner and have friends over. Or, if I got too tired from all the running around, I would take a leisurely drive to my brother's place in Seremban on Christmas day because food would be served at the appropriate times there! And, of course, family would be around.

But, ever since I started teaching, Christmas has become a distressingly hurried affair. I teach during the semester that runs through the season. And, because of the several public holidays we have during this semester, most of the free time is taken doing replacement classes, especially in December. So, I don't have time to do all the things I enjoy doing in the runup to Christmas.

I am so rushed that I can't sing at Christmas anymore!

But, my students made Christmas day memorable. At the stroke of midnight, I got a stream of smses from my students wishing me "A Merry Christmas!" in the last two years I have been teaching.

This semester, however, the schedule got worse! I got a timetable that stresses me out because I have to wake up early and fight through the long morning jam to get to 8am classes on time three to four days a week! I have three 8am sessions one after another -- 8am on Tues, 8.30am on Tues and 8am on Thurs. And, I am not an early riser. I can stay up late but NOT get up early. And, if that wasn't bad enough, three of my replacement classes can only be held at 8am on three Fridays in December! Aaaarggghhh!

To make matters worse, my handbag got snatched on Nov 24 or was it Dec 1? I wasn't hurt. The thief opened the front passenger side door of my car and grabbed my bag. I was parked outside the SP Corner near my campus where I had gone for a cup of tea after a tutorial. Thank God I wasn't hurt.

Losing my bag and all my documents and about RM1,000 worth of digital camera and handphone were not as traumatic as running around replacing my cards and other documents. I finally got all that done and now I hang on to my handbag like dear life! It was emotionally draining.

And, it didn't help to know that some friends whom I had looked forward to seeing I may not see again. I thought by now I would get used to goodbyes. I guess I thought wrong.

I took some time to settle down. Today the schedule eased somewhat. So, I have started to write!

I still haven't finished my Christmas chores. But, I am making the celebrations very simple this year. The house is spruced up, but there will be no entertaining. I will cook a simple dinner for my brother who will be coming down. And, the next day, I will be heading to Seremban where I usually go when I don't have anything on in KL!

So, folks, that was the reason for the delay in updating warriorrose. But, I am back -- minus my camera. So, maybe, you can help me. Perhaps you could get some good pictures on Christmas here in Malaysia and email them to me at marygp23@gmail.com Please send the pix in JPEG files by or on Dec 23 so that I can upload them before Christmas. If you would like to write something about the pictures, feel free to do so. If you are my students, you should have no problems as I did teach you how to write caption stories!

But, of course, I reserve the right to publishing the pictures or the captions! Do, help out! And, looking forward to hearing from you!