My previous post did not mention how to build self-esteem simply because I didn't acquire it progressively over time; I just got it overnight -- miraculously! One day I didn't have it and the next day, I had it! I am sure there are ways to develop it. Somehow, I think, one good way of developing self-esteem is to be in affirming permanent relationships like family relationships where you are accepted for being the way you are created.
But, when you don't have the privilege of coming from a secure and stable family background, what do you do to build self-esteem? I don't know how. But, may be, you, the readers, may have some ideas and suggestions. I would like to hear from you. Let's have as many people as possible to give your comments! I think it will help those who really need to grow in self-esteem.
Hoping this blog will be jammed with your meaningful comments!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Excellent Comment!
That is an excellent comment, Bernard! You put it so succinctly what I was saying in all that number of words! And, glad to see that you read my blog! By the way, are you my student or a past student? I tried to get into your blog but didn't see an address. Could you explain how I can get to your blog from my blog?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Self-esteem -- The Safety Net That Catches You Before You Crash To Pieces!
I kept the best for the last which is simply this: If you have good self-esteem, it is unlikely that you will ever crash! I am no psychologist. Nor am I a trained medical practitioner to say this is so for sure! From my experiences, though -- and the experiences of others -- it appears that those with good self-esteem rarely fall apart.
When you don't have or have poor or low self-esteem, you are easily affected when things do not go as planned or expected and you tend to resort to compensatory behaviour to make up for the lack. So, you see people working hard for fear of failure. They strive for perfection for fear of criticism and rejection. They become image-conscious to impress in order to get respect and acceptance. They buy expensive things to show they have arrived. They wear gold to the hilt and baubles sparkle on their fingers, ears and neck to say they are not riff-raff! For the same reason, women bossess are fiercer than they need to be because they fear they won't be taken seriously!
Some swing to other extreme, and don't reveal the real person for the same fears. They are talented but behave like they are not. They are very smart but try to project an image of themselves as being average and dim-witted. Some of them are sufficiently financially secure, but go to great lengths to show they don't have the means. They are self-effacing essentially for the same reasons: fear of rejection, non-acceptance and a lack of respect if others knew the real person.
For me, all these are compensatory behaviour belying the root problem -- lack of self-esteem. Such people are overly concerned over how other people view them. But, people with self-esteem don't worry too much about how they are perceived. They are who they are and like themselves being so! They are not too bothered about external appearances and are able to take non-acceptance in their stride. They can take the crap life dishes out to them and still hold their own!
The reality of life is that we are going to be disappointed, rejected, abused, assaulted, tormented, bullied, deprived, suppressed, conned and dismissed. In short, we are going to get hurt! Those with self-respect know they are going to hurt others as much as others are going to hurt them! I mean, you are going to dump others just as you yourself will be dumped. That is a fact of life! What differs is the degree to which we would do it. If you have self-respect, you will treat others the same way you want them to treat you. You will actually be loving them as yourself!
The trick to keeping your head above waters despite life's battering is to deal with it in a way that you don't collapse. And, my belief is that the single most important thing about our emotional make-up that would keep us buoyant in the midst of swimming in waters too deep is self-esteem.
It is like a safety net that catches you before you hit concrete and break to pieces! People with low self-esteem engage in compensatory behaviour because it is a self-preservation defence mechanism. They build it up intuitively to protect themselves from attack -- because they can't take it. The flipside of it is that it stops them from seeing themselves as they really are and dealing with their shortcomings.
People with good self-esteem know their weaknesses -- and strengths -- and are not afraid to face the fact that they have hurt others. They see things as they are and are able to face the consequences of their actions. They face up to the truth - reality. If they have done wrong, they accept it, apologise, make amends and move on. They never dwell in the same emotional place for long. They treat others the same way they treat themselves, kindly!
You know, when I became a Christian, God did many things for me -- as He does for people all over the world. But, the one singular thing that Lord Jesus Christ did for me which solved the underlying problem and, as a result, all the attendant issues and symptoms associated with it, was this: He gave me self-esteem. It was not financial security, accomplishments and supportive relationships which helped me face up to the world. It was self-esteem. And, He did it overnight. Even after becoming a Christian, I had low self-esteem, not as a professional but as a woman and it affected the way I related with men.
I remember, a few years ago, when, in private prayer in my room, I affirmed who Jesus Christ is to me as He appeared to me many many years ago. At that time, during a migraine attack, I had cried out to God: "God, what did I do to deserve this?" As if in reply, Lord Jesus came down to my bedside and with outstretched arms said, calling me by name: "Gertrude, I am here for you!"
I never fully understood what that meant until a few years ago when I accepted what He said and came to terms with the fact that He is for me and it didn't matter if I didn't have a boyfriend or husband considering my broken record regarding men! Immediately, my self-esteem shot up! And, I didn't care what people thought of me. Now, I, sometimes, swing to the extreme and am totally insensitive to other people's opinion, but there are people close to me to correct me and put me back on track!
Soon after that, I began to realise that I was relating with people better -- with confidence and greater sensitivity. And the response from them got better and better. I am still learning but getting better as I go along. Now, when people treat me badly, I can take it where before I couldn't. Even better, I can hold my ground and seek an explanation or clarification to understand the situation better and give my point of view to improve communication. As a result, even difficult relationships have become manageable. And, since then, I have also never been depressed! Because the root cause -- lack of self-esteem -- was addressed.
I believe every educational effort, whether corporate, private, secular or spiritual, must aim at building an individual's self-esteem. Self-esteem is the only thing -- not money, not status, not achievements -- that will help people face the world we are living in. If you have self-esteem, you will find a way to get money, live as best as you can and be content within your constraints. If you don't get As, you won't crash! If you don't get too rich, you won't be unhappy! If you don't get what you want, although you tried, you won't be unfulfilled! If you don't have flashy cars, you won't doubt your social standing! You will make the best of what life offers and still be a full and fulfilled person!
Build self-esteem; it is learning to like yourself and doing to others what you would like them to do to you!
When you don't have or have poor or low self-esteem, you are easily affected when things do not go as planned or expected and you tend to resort to compensatory behaviour to make up for the lack. So, you see people working hard for fear of failure. They strive for perfection for fear of criticism and rejection. They become image-conscious to impress in order to get respect and acceptance. They buy expensive things to show they have arrived. They wear gold to the hilt and baubles sparkle on their fingers, ears and neck to say they are not riff-raff! For the same reason, women bossess are fiercer than they need to be because they fear they won't be taken seriously!
Some swing to other extreme, and don't reveal the real person for the same fears. They are talented but behave like they are not. They are very smart but try to project an image of themselves as being average and dim-witted. Some of them are sufficiently financially secure, but go to great lengths to show they don't have the means. They are self-effacing essentially for the same reasons: fear of rejection, non-acceptance and a lack of respect if others knew the real person.
For me, all these are compensatory behaviour belying the root problem -- lack of self-esteem. Such people are overly concerned over how other people view them. But, people with self-esteem don't worry too much about how they are perceived. They are who they are and like themselves being so! They are not too bothered about external appearances and are able to take non-acceptance in their stride. They can take the crap life dishes out to them and still hold their own!
The reality of life is that we are going to be disappointed, rejected, abused, assaulted, tormented, bullied, deprived, suppressed, conned and dismissed. In short, we are going to get hurt! Those with self-respect know they are going to hurt others as much as others are going to hurt them! I mean, you are going to dump others just as you yourself will be dumped. That is a fact of life! What differs is the degree to which we would do it. If you have self-respect, you will treat others the same way you want them to treat you. You will actually be loving them as yourself!
The trick to keeping your head above waters despite life's battering is to deal with it in a way that you don't collapse. And, my belief is that the single most important thing about our emotional make-up that would keep us buoyant in the midst of swimming in waters too deep is self-esteem.
It is like a safety net that catches you before you hit concrete and break to pieces! People with low self-esteem engage in compensatory behaviour because it is a self-preservation defence mechanism. They build it up intuitively to protect themselves from attack -- because they can't take it. The flipside of it is that it stops them from seeing themselves as they really are and dealing with their shortcomings.
People with good self-esteem know their weaknesses -- and strengths -- and are not afraid to face the fact that they have hurt others. They see things as they are and are able to face the consequences of their actions. They face up to the truth - reality. If they have done wrong, they accept it, apologise, make amends and move on. They never dwell in the same emotional place for long. They treat others the same way they treat themselves, kindly!
You know, when I became a Christian, God did many things for me -- as He does for people all over the world. But, the one singular thing that Lord Jesus Christ did for me which solved the underlying problem and, as a result, all the attendant issues and symptoms associated with it, was this: He gave me self-esteem. It was not financial security, accomplishments and supportive relationships which helped me face up to the world. It was self-esteem. And, He did it overnight. Even after becoming a Christian, I had low self-esteem, not as a professional but as a woman and it affected the way I related with men.
I remember, a few years ago, when, in private prayer in my room, I affirmed who Jesus Christ is to me as He appeared to me many many years ago. At that time, during a migraine attack, I had cried out to God: "God, what did I do to deserve this?" As if in reply, Lord Jesus came down to my bedside and with outstretched arms said, calling me by name: "Gertrude, I am here for you!"
I never fully understood what that meant until a few years ago when I accepted what He said and came to terms with the fact that He is for me and it didn't matter if I didn't have a boyfriend or husband considering my broken record regarding men! Immediately, my self-esteem shot up! And, I didn't care what people thought of me. Now, I, sometimes, swing to the extreme and am totally insensitive to other people's opinion, but there are people close to me to correct me and put me back on track!
Soon after that, I began to realise that I was relating with people better -- with confidence and greater sensitivity. And the response from them got better and better. I am still learning but getting better as I go along. Now, when people treat me badly, I can take it where before I couldn't. Even better, I can hold my ground and seek an explanation or clarification to understand the situation better and give my point of view to improve communication. As a result, even difficult relationships have become manageable. And, since then, I have also never been depressed! Because the root cause -- lack of self-esteem -- was addressed.
I believe every educational effort, whether corporate, private, secular or spiritual, must aim at building an individual's self-esteem. Self-esteem is the only thing -- not money, not status, not achievements -- that will help people face the world we are living in. If you have self-esteem, you will find a way to get money, live as best as you can and be content within your constraints. If you don't get As, you won't crash! If you don't get too rich, you won't be unhappy! If you don't get what you want, although you tried, you won't be unfulfilled! If you don't have flashy cars, you won't doubt your social standing! You will make the best of what life offers and still be a full and fulfilled person!
Build self-esteem; it is learning to like yourself and doing to others what you would like them to do to you!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Three Love Therapies: Love Talks, Love Acts and Love Forgives!
These are what I call the three key love therapies! They are in-built in healthy, thriving relationships. Engaging in them is therapeutic! They are tension releasers; they are the aromatherapeutic oils which lubricate the wheels of your relationship and keep it rolling along smoothly! For me, the most important is the first -- talking.
To make any headway in any relationship, you should be able to talk with the other person. Whether you are relating as a parent to a child, a boss to your staff, a leader to your followers, a friend to another friend, a sibling to another sibling or a man to a woman or vice versa, you have to talk.
Talking is relating, but I don't mean talking to or down to the other person or persons. That assumes a hierarchy, that one is superior to the other and you inevitably pull rank on the other side. Talk like that and you will turn off the other side! Talk like that for long and the other party will relate by reacting! The best type of talking is when you talk with the other person. Then, you include him, her or they as being on your side and affirm the other as an equal in the relationship. Affirmation always encourages the other side to stay in the relationship! It softens defences and encourages you to reciprocate.
Talking is communicating. You say this and the other says that; words go to and fro between the two. Yet, a lot is communicated as you talk. It facilitates self-expression and self-revelation. It brings you closer to the other person because you get to know him/her or them better. It irons out uncertainties, dispels illusions and misperceptions and resolves conflicts. You stop assuming; you get the real facts, the truth -- and the chance to face up to it! It allows for tensions to fizzle out!
But if the only way you can talk is to or down, then the only thing you can expect is a breakdown in communication. People can't express what is in their hearts and all those unspoken concerns are built up until one day they explode -- often in your face! And, then, you naively wonder: "What went wrong?" Or, you declare defensively: "But, I didn't do anything wrong!" Yes, you did. You didn't talk and relate!
Of course, some people talked and all they got in return was a slap on the face! The worst thing to do in that case is to retreat, withdraw into your shell and put in place a slew of protocol on how people should relate to you in future! That would only create a distance between you and the other side and serve to further estrange the relationship and is totally off-putting! It communicates nothing but a lack of love. It says love was not enough to take the brunt and NOT turn it against the other.
When real talking stops, it is the beginning of the end of love. Eventually, the relationship dies. Nothing kills love more than lack of communication. Talking is communicating truth about yourselves; that is relating. If you can't talk with the other person, you can't know about the other person and you can't relate. If you can't relate, there is no relationship! If there is no relationship, there is no channel to show love! Of course, love will die and so will the relationship!
To start a relationship, talk. To keep a relationship moving, talk. To end a relationship, don't talk!
But, love that is all talk and no action is empty love or puerile love! It has no substance. Love always acts. True love is always demonstrated by action. You want to do things for the other. When you talk and get to know the other person, you naturally will begin to do things for the other. If love does not prompt action, it is definitely NOT love. Love is demonstrative. Love must act. The action always endears you to the other. It draws you to a deeper intimacy that talking alone can not achieve. When you know the other person loves you, but doesn't do anything about it, you know you are in a futile relationship. It is not going to go anywhere. Get out of it fast!
In romantic love, the man who acts is the man who woos. Brave men woo! I say they are brave because wooing is risky. She may not love you back! But brave men act to woo because they are willing to take the risk of wanting to know for sure if the women care for them, too. Until they woo, they will never know whether their love interests are just as interested in them. If the response is negative, strong men don't fall apart. They accept the answer given and move on. And, you know, men will tell you that no matter what the response, every man who woos, grows! (This doesn't mean that you woo every woman! No, but if the first declined, it shouldn't deter the man to try again in the next serious relationship!)
Love which acts is the surest way of growing in love!
The last love therapy is forgiveness. This is so important in a relationship -- simply because people are only human and will make mistakes leading to conflicts and emotional stress. Ask for forgiveness and forgive just as easily and you make right the wrong in the relationship. You restore the relationship, and, often, it becomes stronger. But, when you are asking for forgiveness, don't say: "If I have done anything wrong, please forgive .... ." That is not asking for forgiveness because you really don't believe you have done wrong. That is arrogance! A sure deterrent to reconciliation!
The humble acknowledge their mistakes. Sometimes, the wrong is not what you did but what you didn't do! And, sometimes, the wrong is really not a "wrong" but simply something that the other side can't accept. The humble will see how that action might have wounded the other side and be quick to seek forgiveness. The humble also give forgiveness. The proud dig in their heels and resist a change of heart! In a relationship, if you can't be humble you can't ask for forgiveness nor can you give it. Humility opens the way of forgiveness and restoration of the relationship.
There, indeed, is great wisdom in that old-fashioned truth: Forgive and forget!
Next: The Last is Best!
To make any headway in any relationship, you should be able to talk with the other person. Whether you are relating as a parent to a child, a boss to your staff, a leader to your followers, a friend to another friend, a sibling to another sibling or a man to a woman or vice versa, you have to talk.
Talking is relating, but I don't mean talking to or down to the other person or persons. That assumes a hierarchy, that one is superior to the other and you inevitably pull rank on the other side. Talk like that and you will turn off the other side! Talk like that for long and the other party will relate by reacting! The best type of talking is when you talk with the other person. Then, you include him, her or they as being on your side and affirm the other as an equal in the relationship. Affirmation always encourages the other side to stay in the relationship! It softens defences and encourages you to reciprocate.
Talking is communicating. You say this and the other says that; words go to and fro between the two. Yet, a lot is communicated as you talk. It facilitates self-expression and self-revelation. It brings you closer to the other person because you get to know him/her or them better. It irons out uncertainties, dispels illusions and misperceptions and resolves conflicts. You stop assuming; you get the real facts, the truth -- and the chance to face up to it! It allows for tensions to fizzle out!
But if the only way you can talk is to or down, then the only thing you can expect is a breakdown in communication. People can't express what is in their hearts and all those unspoken concerns are built up until one day they explode -- often in your face! And, then, you naively wonder: "What went wrong?" Or, you declare defensively: "But, I didn't do anything wrong!" Yes, you did. You didn't talk and relate!
Of course, some people talked and all they got in return was a slap on the face! The worst thing to do in that case is to retreat, withdraw into your shell and put in place a slew of protocol on how people should relate to you in future! That would only create a distance between you and the other side and serve to further estrange the relationship and is totally off-putting! It communicates nothing but a lack of love. It says love was not enough to take the brunt and NOT turn it against the other.
When real talking stops, it is the beginning of the end of love. Eventually, the relationship dies. Nothing kills love more than lack of communication. Talking is communicating truth about yourselves; that is relating. If you can't talk with the other person, you can't know about the other person and you can't relate. If you can't relate, there is no relationship! If there is no relationship, there is no channel to show love! Of course, love will die and so will the relationship!
To start a relationship, talk. To keep a relationship moving, talk. To end a relationship, don't talk!
But, love that is all talk and no action is empty love or puerile love! It has no substance. Love always acts. True love is always demonstrated by action. You want to do things for the other. When you talk and get to know the other person, you naturally will begin to do things for the other. If love does not prompt action, it is definitely NOT love. Love is demonstrative. Love must act. The action always endears you to the other. It draws you to a deeper intimacy that talking alone can not achieve. When you know the other person loves you, but doesn't do anything about it, you know you are in a futile relationship. It is not going to go anywhere. Get out of it fast!
In romantic love, the man who acts is the man who woos. Brave men woo! I say they are brave because wooing is risky. She may not love you back! But brave men act to woo because they are willing to take the risk of wanting to know for sure if the women care for them, too. Until they woo, they will never know whether their love interests are just as interested in them. If the response is negative, strong men don't fall apart. They accept the answer given and move on. And, you know, men will tell you that no matter what the response, every man who woos, grows! (This doesn't mean that you woo every woman! No, but if the first declined, it shouldn't deter the man to try again in the next serious relationship!)
Love which acts is the surest way of growing in love!
The last love therapy is forgiveness. This is so important in a relationship -- simply because people are only human and will make mistakes leading to conflicts and emotional stress. Ask for forgiveness and forgive just as easily and you make right the wrong in the relationship. You restore the relationship, and, often, it becomes stronger. But, when you are asking for forgiveness, don't say: "If I have done anything wrong, please forgive .... ." That is not asking for forgiveness because you really don't believe you have done wrong. That is arrogance! A sure deterrent to reconciliation!
The humble acknowledge their mistakes. Sometimes, the wrong is not what you did but what you didn't do! And, sometimes, the wrong is really not a "wrong" but simply something that the other side can't accept. The humble will see how that action might have wounded the other side and be quick to seek forgiveness. The humble also give forgiveness. The proud dig in their heels and resist a change of heart! In a relationship, if you can't be humble you can't ask for forgiveness nor can you give it. Humility opens the way of forgiveness and restoration of the relationship.
There, indeed, is great wisdom in that old-fashioned truth: Forgive and forget!
Next: The Last is Best!
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