These are what I call the three key love therapies! They are in-built in healthy, thriving relationships. Engaging in them is therapeutic! They are tension releasers; they are the aromatherapeutic oils which lubricate the wheels of your relationship and keep it rolling along smoothly! For me, the most important is the first -- talking.
To make any headway in any relationship, you should be able to talk with the other person. Whether you are relating as a parent to a child, a boss to your staff, a leader to your followers, a friend to another friend, a sibling to another sibling or a man to a woman or vice versa, you have to talk.
Talking is relating, but I don't mean talking to or down to the other person or persons. That assumes a hierarchy, that one is superior to the other and you inevitably pull rank on the other side. Talk like that and you will turn off the other side! Talk like that for long and the other party will relate by reacting! The best type of talking is when you talk with the other person. Then, you include him, her or they as being on your side and affirm the other as an equal in the relationship. Affirmation always encourages the other side to stay in the relationship! It softens defences and encourages you to reciprocate.
Talking is communicating. You say this and the other says that; words go to and fro between the two. Yet, a lot is communicated as you talk. It facilitates self-expression and self-revelation. It brings you closer to the other person because you get to know him/her or them better. It irons out uncertainties, dispels illusions and misperceptions and resolves conflicts. You stop assuming; you get the real facts, the truth -- and the chance to face up to it! It allows for tensions to fizzle out!
But if the only way you can talk is to or down, then the only thing you can expect is a breakdown in communication. People can't express what is in their hearts and all those unspoken concerns are built up until one day they explode -- often in your face! And, then, you naively wonder: "What went wrong?" Or, you declare defensively: "But, I didn't do anything wrong!" Yes, you did. You didn't talk and relate!
Of course, some people talked and all they got in return was a slap on the face! The worst thing to do in that case is to retreat, withdraw into your shell and put in place a slew of protocol on how people should relate to you in future! That would only create a distance between you and the other side and serve to further estrange the relationship and is totally off-putting! It communicates nothing but a lack of love. It says love was not enough to take the brunt and NOT turn it against the other.
When real talking stops, it is the beginning of the end of love. Eventually, the relationship dies. Nothing kills love more than lack of communication. Talking is communicating truth about yourselves; that is relating. If you can't talk with the other person, you can't know about the other person and you can't relate. If you can't relate, there is no relationship! If there is no relationship, there is no channel to show love! Of course, love will die and so will the relationship!
To start a relationship, talk. To keep a relationship moving, talk. To end a relationship, don't talk!
But, love that is all talk and no action is empty love or puerile love! It has no substance. Love always acts. True love is always demonstrated by action. You want to do things for the other. When you talk and get to know the other person, you naturally will begin to do things for the other. If love does not prompt action, it is definitely NOT love. Love is demonstrative. Love must act. The action always endears you to the other. It draws you to a deeper intimacy that talking alone can not achieve. When you know the other person loves you, but doesn't do anything about it, you know you are in a futile relationship. It is not going to go anywhere. Get out of it fast!
In romantic love, the man who acts is the man who woos. Brave men woo! I say they are brave because wooing is risky. She may not love you back! But brave men act to woo because they are willing to take the risk of wanting to know for sure if the women care for them, too. Until they woo, they will never know whether their love interests are just as interested in them. If the response is negative, strong men don't fall apart. They accept the answer given and move on. And, you know, men will tell you that no matter what the response, every man who woos, grows! (This doesn't mean that you woo every woman! No, but if the first declined, it shouldn't deter the man to try again in the next serious relationship!)
Love which acts is the surest way of growing in love!
The last love therapy is forgiveness. This is so important in a relationship -- simply because people are only human and will make mistakes leading to conflicts and emotional stress. Ask for forgiveness and forgive just as easily and you make right the wrong in the relationship. You restore the relationship, and, often, it becomes stronger. But, when you are asking for forgiveness, don't say: "If I have done anything wrong, please forgive .... ." That is not asking for forgiveness because you really don't believe you have done wrong. That is arrogance! A sure deterrent to reconciliation!
The humble acknowledge their mistakes. Sometimes, the wrong is not what you did but what you didn't do! And, sometimes, the wrong is really not a "wrong" but simply something that the other side can't accept. The humble will see how that action might have wounded the other side and be quick to seek forgiveness. The humble also give forgiveness. The proud dig in their heels and resist a change of heart! In a relationship, if you can't be humble you can't ask for forgiveness nor can you give it. Humility opens the way of forgiveness and restoration of the relationship.
There, indeed, is great wisdom in that old-fashioned truth: Forgive and forget!
Next: The Last is Best!
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1 comment:
What a great resource!
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