The Social Faux Pas Between Unequals

Now, what is wrong with this picture? It created a little social controversy, but why? It is probably the first time the world has seen a public display of affection by The Queen. (Right now, there is only one "The Queen" and that title is reserved for none other than Queen Elizabeth of England.) But, why was that a controversy?

The story goes that when Queen Elizabeth met US First Lady Michelle Obama for the first time, she let her hand edge to the back of the First Lady and the latter reciprocated by putting her hand around the Queen. This is a definite "no, no"! Palace protocol dictates that no one touches The Queen! And no one is to extend a hand to The Queen -- not unless she extends it first! Even then, you take it very gingerly and make sure you don't go overboard with an effusive display of affection! The Queen and the US First Lady, by the way, slowly let their hands drop and kept the space between them after that.

So, what happened here? Why did The Queen intuitively reach out to embrace the US First Lady, even if only very discreetly? She has never done this with any other woman in public. (Maybe even in private, I don't know!) So, why did this happen?

I have a little explanation.

This is not the first time a faux pas like this has taken place. When talk show host Jay Leno invited US President Barack Obama to his show, the former did the same. There was a picture of the two that appeared in The Star where Leno leans forward and reaches out his right hand to touch Obama's left shoulder. He is the President. How come you feel so free to be so familiar with the President?

(Excuse the size of the pictures! I couldn't get bigger pictures!)

Some people may say that it was a simple gesture of acceptance. Fair enough. And, that might have been the same reason Queen Elizabeth broke protocol and reached out to embrace Michelle, O, so imperceptibly.

But, have you noticed that such so called "gestures of acceptance" are generally taken by white people and, generally, with not-white-people? If the Obamas were white, would people have felt the need to embrace and hug them as a sign of acceptance? They do not show this display of affection with one of their own. Why show it to someone of a different race?

I believe this is a social faux pas that not just white people commit but which members of any majority group are prone to similarly act.

Somewhere at the back of the majority consciousness is a sense of insecurity when a member of a minority group gets into power or reaches a level of equality that the majority group is forced to come to terms with.

The majority group can not dismiss the minority group member because the latter is now exercising his or her rights as an equal -- not as a member of the oppressed minority. The sense of insecurity arises because the majority is unsure if the minority member will play the game as they understand it. To compensate for that sense of insecurity, they try to be extra "pally", buddy-buddy-like! They reach out to touch their black President; they give a gentle embrace of the visiting more-important-than-them, black First Lady.

All these gestures are aimed at showing their acceptance of you, no doubt. But, how would you feel if you were the black President or Third World leader or minority group member now CEO leading an organisation made of majority group members?

You would inevitably wonder: "I am your President not your friend. Why are you putting your arm around me?" Or "Yes, I am a woman in a top position but that does not mean I don't know what I am doing and you need to teach me or go out of your way to show me how!" Or "Yes, I am a Third World leader not a First World leader, but you don't have to be so condescending and patronising and hold my arm to indicate to me that you welcome me like as if I shouldn't be welcomed because of who I am but because you are so magnanimous you will welcome me!" Or "Yes, I am the first black First Lady, but you don't have to go out of your way to show your acceptance of me just because I am black!"

So, you see behind all these gestures is an underlying perception that you are still not their equal. You are still different. That is the reason they don't accord you the same respect and distance they naturally give to someone of their same majority group or race.

It is all very unconscious; they are not doing it intentionally. They are just reacting to their own insecurity and make all these social blunders when interacting with minority groups and people of a different race.

Unfortunately, minority members in majority positions some times do not understand the cross-cultural misreading that takes place when cultures and sub-cultures interact. They are quick to pick on the underlying lack of disrespect and react, often by insisting on a slew of protocol on how people should relate to them. Because, they are now in authority, they have the power to insist on the protocol and they come across looking like bullies, when they don't mean to. This further worsens the estrangement between the two sides. Or, the minority leader swings to the other extreme and dismisses and curses off the majority as a bunch of no-good bigots!

When, in fact, all that is needed is simple understanding, and a willingness to communicate and relate despite the misconceptions. Relate instead of retreating until the relationship sorts itself out on a balanced keel. The worst thing to do is to retreat because you deprive both sides the opportunities to find a way to relate in the most optimum way they can.

In cross-cultural relationships, the worst thing to do is to retreat and put a wall up. You, then, miss the chance for a breakthrough that would make the relationship better than you expect!

A safe and simple way to start a cross-cultural relationship is to follow the basic rules of social protocol:

i. With unequals and equals who are not friends, maintain a physical space after a handshake. It does not matter whether they are black or blue or green. They are people and they are not your friends. So, keep a respectful distance!

ii. When they become friends, be sure they don't mind you putting your arm around them! If they do, please, again, keep your distance and keep your hands to yourself!

iii. If anyone with rank treats you as friends, you have to respect their position. They are your friends but they have rank over you and, so, keep your hands to yourself! You have to let them call the shots until they give you the privilege of equal friendship.

iv. Someone with rank can put his or her arm around you but if you don't like it, cringe. They won't do it the next time!

vi. Generally, treat other people the same way you would treat people of equal rank or position in your own community. That is the most complimentary way of relating cross-culturally; it shows you accept them as equals.