WarriorRose

GoodTimes is Live! Stay Connected!

2010-10-14T10:41:00.001+08:00

Dear All,

The website is finally live! It is called GoodTimes and you can access it at www.goodtimes.my

Some of you can write. And I want young writers at GoodTimes. So, if you are interested and want to try your hand at writing, send me a note at gertrude@goodtimes.my and attach 2 of the latest pieces you wrote.

Also, stay with this blog for a while more because I will be starting a new blog and I will announce it here, probably by the end of Nov.

So, stay connected!

GoodTimes is Live! Stay Connected!

2010-10-14T10:40:00.000+08:00

Hello, Bernard

2010-07-21T13:51:00.000+08:00

Hi, Bernard. Tried to go on to your blog but couldn't. Anyway, could you send me an email? Couldn't get your email address either!

Entering a New Phase

2010-07-15T11:37:00.001+08:00

Today I start work as editor of a new news website. Yes, I am back practising journalism. I left it 10 years ago and went into teaching. I enjoyed teaching, especially when I taught journalism and journalism-related subjects. But, UTAR wanted to transfer me to the Kampar campus and for some reason I just couldn't get up and go even though, rationally, it was a good move. So, I had no choice but to resign.

Looking back, it apparently was a good move. I got this job which is just what I have always wanted to do! There might be a conflict of interests if I kept this blog. I will write one more blog announcing the new website and then it is sayonara to Warriorrose! But you can still read my articles at the new website. Look out for the announcement by the middle of next month!

Goodbye, UTAR!

2010-06-05T16:05:00.004+08:00

It was good while it lasted!

When I joined UTAR in May, 2006, I thought it was going to be a short, uninvolved stint. But, I stayed on for three years, made good friends and now leave without regrets!

After the previous job, I became wary of staff. And, there is one very important physical space in my life where, unfortunately, I never made good friends. These two factors combined made me lose faith in people's ability to accept me as I am. Consequently, I became detached from the people around me because I lost confidence that they would reciprocate.

But, UTAR, unexpectedly, changed that! Well, not UTAR, but the students I got to know and grew to love, and the lecturers in the PD block staffroom where I had my office! That's me at my cubicle!

The students who got close to me I will never forget. Their idealism and openness to get to know me really softened my heart. They seemed able to see through me and because they reached forward, I eventually dropped my guard and discovered wonderful young people who I know will be a pleasure to be with where ever they go!

The lecturers ... they were such great company! I remember Dr Lim. I got to know his head of straight black hair before I got to know him! Being an owl, I keep late hours and often, rushing to get materials prepared, I would look over my cubicle walls and see no one around except for this bobbing tuft of black hair over his cubicle walls! And, I would feel relieved that I wasn't alone! It was only later that I knew that that was Dr Lim who also stayed back late to get work done, and we became friends.

When he left, I was wondering how I was going to stay up late working alone in the staffroom. That was when another lecturer, Sugu, also began to keep late hours working while waiting for his wife. Relief! I had company while working late! And, Sugu, being an IT lecturer, could be depended on everytime I faced a computer glitch!

But, nobody helped me with the computer like See, another IT lecturer! When I first joined UTAR, I used to stay up as late as 11pm. At that time, See occupied the cubicle next to me, and seeing me scrambling to get work done before classes, gallantly uploaded a compatible Microsoft software on my PC at home so that I could work at home! He used to discourage me from working late in the staffroom by saying: "There are ghosts in the staffroom! Some people heard voices!"

See was never too busy to help me with my computer problems! When he was busy, he would tell me to wait and come over when he was free to unravel the conundrum in my computer! I learnt a lot about how to make the computer work for me! Still clumsy with it but more literate now than before! Thanks to all the IT lecturers I hung around with! They were mostly located at the PD block staffroom.

That's See pausing from fiddling with my computer! And Sugu, Swaggy, See and Yen Li on the rare occasion they were seen together at my cubicle. They obliged from their busy schedule for a parting picture for me!

Then, there were Dr Roy -- Swagy -- and Mariam, my sharing buddies and drinking khakis (partners)! I am always talking a mile a minute with them about all my ups and downs! And we found a number of pleasant tea places where we could have a nice cup of tea or teh tarik (Indian tea) and some sweets and/or savouries and chat until it was time to go home. I am going to miss that!

And, all the others, like Priya who found it a bit hard to handle my bluntness but persevered nevertheless! And, Kim Peng with whom I had many interesting chats along the isles between cubicles and who is now my new movie watching khaki! And Michelle who taught me how to use Excel! And, the newest friend, Yen Li (officially, Dr Lee!) who showed me how to enjoy Korean food!

All of you - students and lecturers - touched my life in some deep way. You broke my reserve and restored my faith in the goodness of humanity and in my abilities to make friends again. I will never forget. May God's blessings be on you!

Keep in touch, my friends. Those of us who must go in separate ways, farewell -- till we meet again, someday, somewhere, sometime!

Short Sweet Singapore Trip

2010-05-30T15:34:00.004+08:00

I made a quick trip to Singapore last weekend to see my bedridden aunt. I got a good offer from Air Asia and everything fell into place and so flew down and back. It was sad to see my aunt in such a helpless state, slipping in and out of consciousness. Life is such, I guess. There are some things which are out of our control and it is best to accept the circumstances, make the best of it and go on.

But, I was glad that my aunt recognised me! And, she asked in blurred speech if I had had a drink. I enthusiastically said "yes!" It was also good to see that she is well taken care of with my cousins there for her.

It was a short trip, but I managed to see some things that I wanted to see in Singapore. I took in the night safari and that was a real treat! I don't know if the animals saw us because they looked very sleepy except for the biggest elephant who kept swinging its trunk and the energetic otters! The animal pens were located along a weaving walkway. It was cool and enjoyable going on the walking trails. Flashes are not allowed, so I didn't get many good pictures except for the few I have uploaded here. This is a picture of the Malaysian porcupine.

I also took in the Underwater Marine Park, which was also worth visiting, especially the part where you stand on the travellator and it takes you through the aquarium and you are able to see the fishes swim around and above you. You get to see their gills and fins, too! Some of them are truly quite ugly! But, here's a sweaty picture of me with one of the bigger fishes. The fish looks good, though!

Then, I walked about The Sands Singapore! That is an amazing pieces of architecture. It has three hotel towers of 50 floors on top of which is a rooftop restaurant. I wanted to get to the top to get a good view of the sea and the nearby islands but couldn't because the rooftop restaurant opens only in mid-July!

Time was running short, otherwise, I would have got into the casino -- free to foreigners but Singaporeans have to pay S$100 to enter! -- and tried my hand at the one-arm bandit! I just wanted to see what it is like in a casino. I am not a gambler and don't support the activity but I just like to know what is its attraction to people who don't mind risking so much for a shot at a win. I like to know about other lifestyles. Sorry! No pictures! The building was too big for me to get pictures to capture its size and character!

What was best about the trip was catching up with my cousins after so long. I have here a picture of three of them and myself having dinner at the Intercontinental Hotel. People always make the difference!

Sex Is Overrated!

2010-05-04T16:19:00.001+08:00

One of my students asked this question during a tutorial: Is virginity acceptable in modern society? I would like to address this issue. This same question can be reworded: Should pre-marital sex be acceptable in modern society? They, are, in fact, the same issue. And, an issue that is close to the hearts of young people and one that they are grappling with.

Media and the Sexual Myth
The question reflects the pressures a young person has to bear growing up in a society bombarded on every side by a media which relentlessly portrays sex as casual, easily available and unabashedly celebrated! In the media world, enjoying sex is the norm -- nothing to be made a big deal of!

I suspect the main motive behind media's portrayal of unbridled sex is money. Sex sells. Producers know that somewhere at the back of the mind, audiences want to see their fantasies of sex played out before their eyes -- only because it is not lived out in their own lives! The majority of people all over the world do not have the kind of sex they see on the screen. The majority of the world's population do not hop in and out of anyone's bed. They have their own partners and they usually stick with them through thick and thin!

But, that is not the reality media portrays. If it did, the industry would have died a long time ago! Media is not depicting reality; it is merely exposing the sexual fantasies of the majority who actually live monogamously faithful -- if boring -- lives because by doing so media brings in money to keep itself going!

The truth is that sex, after a while, gets boring. And, to get some meaning out of something that inevitably turns routine, people look for an exciting context to put the sizzle back into their sex lives! On TV and the movies, they find it -- in illicit sex. The more immoral the context, the more the thrill! That is the predominant theme in current media productions. On film, people are not very clear as to what is right and wrong, and get into sexual encounters which, minimally, are slightly off the moral compass.

Media portrayals are rarely black and white because that's too legalistic and -- again -- boring! They don't want to be clearly immoral, too -- because that would be outrightly advocating wrong-doing! No, they like to dwell in the in-between -- in the fuzzy grey where right and wrong blurs and converges! And, where they can give just enough to titillate the senses to keep viewers riveted to the screens! Their justification (on sceen) is that the characters are human, make mistakes but are working through the mess and growing through the grey! Besides, grey is not black and grey-black, anyway, is not as bad as it is made out to be!

That best describes the ongoing screen sexual culture. TV watchers and movie goers -- and especially young people -- need to know the motives behind the media images that are hitting them from every side. If you are not aware of the real motives, you would be inclined to think that what is portrayed is what should be followed. That is far from the truth! Sex on TV and the movies is a fantasy for the majority who really do not practice it. True, there are people in the world who live like TV and movie characters. But, they form a minority -- not a majority. In Western cultures, it might be a significant and rapidly growing minority threatening to overtake the majority. But, here in the East, it is still the lifestyle of the minority. And, we can keep it that way!

The Sexual Divide
When I was studying in the United States, I had quite a number of American friends. But, they could be divided into two distinct categories: those who practised abstinence, enjoying sex only in marriage and the rest who enjoyed it as and when they liked! And, the two sides never saw eye to eye! But, it is the latter's lifestyle that is blared out to the rest of the world through the media, while the world knows little about the former's lifestyle.

Observing these two lifestyles I noticed something very interesting. The abstinent generally come from a background where they have stable and secure relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, neighbours and other members of the community they live in. Even when there are problems in any one or more of the relationships there are other relationships to fall back on. So, they don't go looking for sex because they have no concept of physically connecting with another person in the absence of an emotionally secure relationship. When they find that one emotionally fulfilling relationship, they give themselves totally to it by getting married and sex follows!

The sexually free, however, enjoy whatever sex they can get but their relationships often end in break-ups, surprisingly! That one true love eludes them -- most of the time! I suspect that in some unconscious way they actually believe that it may not, or would not, happen to them. In which case, what is the point of abstaining and waiting for something that will, perhaps, never happen? Might as well make the best of what you can for the moment -- even if it is only a temporal physical encounter. If the real thing happens, great! If not, at least, they enjoyed a physical connection! So, the tacit argument goes!

This group of people have multiple sexual partners; they can have sex with anyone even if only superficially emotionally connected. For them, it is convenient to remove morality from sex; sex is celebrated for what it is purported to be -- the exchange of pleasure. Admittedly, that is another way to look at sex outside of marriage -- simply pleasure-giving. But it ignores the very harsh reality that it can be manipulated for abuse, where pleasure is reduced to nothing more than a commodity -- to be bartered. The so-called celebration of sex is in reality nothing more than an euphemism for the trade of the now increasingly available commodity, pleasure. The consequences are many: unwanted pregnancies, estranged partners, unwanted sexual diseases and emotional and psychological baggage which are the main causes of mental illnesses. The sexually liberated, however, can live with such risks because, I think, they are blind and or indifferent to the emotional disconnect.

When Sex Degrades Relationship
Which brings me to point I want to make: When sex is available without emotional bonding, the need to build good relationships disappears! Look at it logically. If you can have sex outside of an emotionally secure and fulfilling relationship, why bother about the latter? Unless emotional bonding is important to us, sex without it is a very attractive alternative and the natural consequence. So, you see, the trend to free sex very likely started as a consequence of a breakdown in emotional relationships. Relationships didn't work out and it might not work out as expected. Why hang around being lonely? Have sex. At least you can connect with someone, even if it is only a fleeting physical connection. It is better than nothing!

Free sex may have started from that social premise, but left unchecked, it can lead to an even worse social dilemma; the disintegration of emotional relationships. It is a vicious circle. When sex is readily available, emotional fulfillment may take a back seat. People may still want emotional fulfillment but it is harder to find. The reason is obvious. To grow emotionally means to exercise the emotional "limbs" in order to bond emotionally. That requires opportunities for the emotional "limbs" to operate. And that happens only in emotional relationships like with your parents, siblings and friends. Different emotional relationships build up different emotional skills but all are necessary to bond emotionally in any specific relationship.

If sex is easily available, what guarantee is there that emotional development will take place in a non-familial man-woman relationship? Men and women need to bond emotionally and given the chances to grow the emotional "limbs" in order to relate better because it is the lack of this more than the lack of sex that causes emotional estrangement.

We become secure, well-balanced people when we are emotionally stable, not when we are sexually satisfied although there is a place for the latter as well. But, if there is no societal restraint to check sexual engagement for the sake of emotional development the inevitable consequence is that more and more people will lose the use of emotional "limbs". They will become less skilled to bond emotionally. The result is simply stunted emotional growth. Sex my be flourishing but is it matched with an equal blossoming of emotional bonding?

Look around us and it is apparent that emotional relationships are breaking down even in an environment of liberated sex. Is this what we want for now and the future? Easy sex and difficult emotional bonds?

That is the most serious consequence of free sex: the removal of a strong motivation to bond emotionally. If we are not sufficiently motivated to bond emotionally, we will eventually lose the use of emotional "limbs" necessary to make relationships work. And that is far more detrimental to human fulfillment than the lack of sexual pleasure because we would become inadept at emotional bonding! We become emotionally deprived, and, we know that emotional deprivation can lead to a host of mental illnesses. Is it surprising, then, that in the 21st Century we are facing and having to deal with a whole new array of mental illnesses?

When emotional bonding becomes harder to achieve, the need for sex becomes a stronger alternative. Like I said earlier, if you can't connect emotionally, the natural substitute or consequence is to connect sexually. Nor does it follow that if you can connect physically, you will also be able to connect emotionally! That isn't true anymore!

In the 21st Century, emotional bonding needs to be learnt!

Good Sex Follows Good Relationships!
So, you see, the emphasis should be emotional relating. If all that we want in a relationship is sex, then, that's all that we will get. But, if we want a mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship, we will start with wanting to connect emotionally.

When the emotional relationship progresses, intimacy increases, and sex happens naturally. But, there is no room for abuse and manipulation because it is enjoyed in a safe, secure and exclusive relationship. That type of relationship is what marriage is all about. I believe, that is the only relationship in which sex can be enjoyed without abuse. In any other type of relationship, the opportunities to exploit sex are greater than the opportunities to exploit emotional bonds. It is best to avoid such relationships.

Between starting an emotional relationship and marriage, sex can happen, of course. But, that should be a personal choice based on mutual consent and respect of each other's religious, cultural and personal beliefs. In which case, please practise safe sex!

So, to my students, I say, look for friendships and build good emotional relationships. The issue isn't whether sex or virginity is acceptable in modern society. The issue is to rebuild what has deteriorated or broken down over time -- relationships. Build good relationships with the people around you and you develop your emotional make-up that will one day make you a great partner in a good relationship. And, sex? Well, good sex follows good relationships!

If we are interested in building healthy communities now and for the future, then we must start with building good relationships. If we don't, then we become party to this worldwide earthly effort to promote sex and undermine the building of stable emotionally fulfilling relationships. By not emphasising the building of good relationships, we are, in actual fact, encouraging and contributing to the breakdown of the family unit where emotional bonding is first learnt. Already this is happening. Should we not arrest and reverse the trend?

If we are serious about building whole, stable, emotional beings, we will build relationships!

Whoa! Why No Comments?

2010-05-04T14:47:00.000+08:00

My profile views have shot up since my last posting but I've got not one comment! Now, why is that? I take it, more and more of my students are viewing my blog but I hope you are also reading the contents! Well, if you are reading, surely you'll have some comment to make?! Please, do comment. Otherwise, I'll think no one reads my blog and I might get discouraged!

A Theatrical Interlude

2010-04-20T15:39:00.000+08:00

I want to give my readers a break from the heavy-duty emo-high articles I have been writing. I will go back to it after this little refreshing interruption! The English for Comm-unication course (which I taught this tri-mester) ended the last trimester of the May 2010 UTAR Foundation programme with a drama competition. The students had to form their own groups and present a 20-minute drama production primarily to demonstrate their language abilities in expressing a moral theme. Each lecturer teaching the course chose the best from their groups to compete in the contest that was held last Friday -- the last day of trimester.

It was really heartening to see the students put in all that effort to showcase their talents. The winning teams clearly won for their dramatization abilities and for portraying a clear moral theme. But, what encouraged me most was not that some teams won (I am glad they did!) but that all put in so much to give a heartfelt good presentation.

Some of the students told me that one team stayed up till 3am in campus practising for their presentation. Another said they forked out their own money to buy or rent the costumes and props. One student said his group of seven shared the cost to rent a RM 45 wig that one of the guys had to wear in his role as a woman!

I want to make special mention here of the group from my lecture class -- The Brotherhood of Penguins. Unlike the cast of the winning teams, they are not natural speakers of English and most are not fluent in the language. Yet, they came up with a script of comparable standard and practised and practised so hard to present a creditable presentation. According to a classmate, they had only two hours of sleep because they were practising for the contest!

I especially want to mention Tan Si Jie. She and Benjamin Woo (who played the role of the manipulative money-making scientist and pet shop owner) were not the original members of the group. They stood in for the two original members who did not want to contest for reasons best known to them.

On short notice, they threw in their lot and gave their best shot. Si Jie gave a commendable performance as the unsuspecting tourist, Gumbo, who gets conned. She played the role enthusiastically and with feeling -- a very good first effort! Benjamin, of course, was a good sport, playing up to the gallery when one of his coconut husks (that served to give him form as a woman) slipped! He unabashedly pushed it up and acted on! But, most importantly, was the effort the entire team put in and the remarkable progress they showed in so short a time, as a result of which they were able to compete with others who are naturally fluent and expressive in the English language.

I also liked their script. It was original and current, touching on the abuse of nature and the dire consequences it brought and it was atypical. The other scripts were typical showing the traditional themes of good versus evil while the penguins' script was modern and futuristic. Their dramatization was not as good as the others and the moral theme did not come across as strongly as the others. But, if there had been a special category for original script (and I were the judge!), they would have got top marks!

Besides, they are my students and I know what they can do and can't do. Where the penguins' team was concerned, they stretched their abilities beyond expectations. Congratulations! I hope you learned more than you realise through this experience.

Just like them, I think there were many teams who made tremendous language gains through this experience. It is always those who are weaker who learn most from these activities. Unfortunately, it is always those who are already stronger and better able, who walk away with the prizes! No, no. I don't regret that they won. I am glad for them. But, I think there should be additional prizes for those teams which made the most language gains. Afterall, the entire exercise was aimed to building language skills!

I hope the certificates and prizes the teams received amply made up for all the work that went in! If not, maybe a special fund needs to be set up so that commensurate prizes are given to students who truly deserve them.

Above are some of the pictures I took at the drama competition. I couldn't upload all the pictures as they would then be a mile long! I posted the best pictures here. I think you can recognise the penguins! The best team was the one with the angel and the red horned devil! They were great! I have also included here some pictures with past students because we all look so good! There's also a picture of the two students who kept us entertained with oldies while waiting for the judges and some sections of the audience!

Google for Self-esteem!

2010-04-13T16:00:00.000+08:00

O, dear! Looks like no one has anything more to say about how to build self-esteem. Well, I googled for self-esteem and found there are umpteen articles on it. So, I think I am not going to add to the wealth of knowledge on the subject! Those who are interested should just go online and read as much as you can on the subject. Because I am convinced that self-esteem is the primary foundation of emotional stability.

Anyway, enough of self-esteem. My next topic is on virginity! Read about it in my next post which should be ready for viewing by the end of the week!

Self-esteem: Learning How To Develop It

2010-03-22T15:26:00.000+08:00

My previous post did not mention how to build self-esteem simply because I didn't acquire it progressively over time; I just got it overnight -- miraculously! One day I didn't have it and the next day, I had it! I am sure there are ways to develop it. Somehow, I think, one good way of developing self-esteem is to be in affirming permanent relationships like family relationships where you are accepted for being the way you are created.

But, when you don't have the privilege of coming from a secure and stable family background, what do you do to build self-esteem? I don't know how. But, may be, you, the readers, may have some ideas and suggestions. I would like to hear from you. Let's have as many people as possible to give your comments! I think it will help those who really need to grow in self-esteem.

Hoping this blog will be jammed with your meaningful comments!

Excellent Comment!

2010-03-17T14:56:00.000+08:00

That is an excellent comment, Bernard! You put it so succinctly what I was saying in all that number of words! And, glad to see that you read my blog! By the way, are you my student or a past student? I tried to get into your blog but didn't see an address. Could you explain how I can get to your blog from my blog?

Self-esteem -- The Safety Net That Catches You Before You Crash To Pieces!

2010-03-16T20:35:00.000+08:00

I kept the best for the last which is simply this: If you have good self-esteem, it is unlikely that you will ever crash! I am no psychologist. Nor am I a trained medical practitioner to say this is so for sure! From my experiences, though -- and the experiences of others -- it appears that those with good self-esteem rarely fall apart.

When you don't have or have poor or low self-esteem, you are easily affected when things do not go as planned or expected and you tend to resort to compensatory behaviour to make up for the lack. So, you see people working hard for fear of failure. They strive for perfection for fear of criticism and rejection. They become image-conscious to impress in order to get respect and acceptance. They buy expensive things to show they have arrived. They wear gold to the hilt and baubles sparkle on their fingers, ears and neck to say they are not riff-raff! For the same reason, women bossess are fiercer than they need to be because they fear they won't be taken seriously!

Some swing to other extreme, and don't reveal the real person for the same fears. They are talented but behave like they are not. They are very smart but try to project an image of themselves as being average and dim-witted. Some of them are sufficiently financially secure, but go to great lengths to show they don't have the means. They are self-effacing essentially for the same reasons: fear of rejection, non-acceptance and a lack of respect if others knew the real person.

For me, all these are compensatory behaviour belying the root problem -- lack of self-esteem. Such people are overly concerned over how other people view them. But, people with self-esteem don't worry too much about how they are perceived. They are who they are and like themselves being so! They are not too bothered about external appearances and are able to take non-acceptance in their stride. They can take the crap life dishes out to them and still hold their own!

The reality of life is that we are going to be disappointed, rejected, abused, assaulted, tormented, bullied, deprived, suppressed, conned and dismissed. In short, we are going to get hurt! Those with self-respect know they are going to hurt others as much as others are going to hurt them! I mean, you are going to dump others just as you yourself will be dumped. That is a fact of life! What differs is the degree to which we would do it. If you have self-respect, you will treat others the same way you want them to treat you. You will actually be loving them as yourself!

The trick to keeping your head above waters despite life's battering is to deal with it in a way that you don't collapse. And, my belief is that the single most important thing about our emotional make-up that would keep us buoyant in the midst of swimming in waters too deep is self-esteem.

It is like a safety net that catches you before you hit concrete and break to pieces! People with low self-esteem engage in compensatory behaviour because it is a self-preservation defence mechanism. They build it up intuitively to protect themselves from attack -- because they can't take it. The flipside of it is that it stops them from seeing themselves as they really are and dealing with their shortcomings.

People with good self-esteem know their weaknesses -- and strengths -- and are not afraid to face the fact that they have hurt others. They see things as they are and are able to face the consequences of their actions. They face up to the truth - reality. If they have done wrong, they accept it, apologise, make amends and move on. They never dwell in the same emotional place for long. They treat others the same way they treat themselves, kindly!

You know, when I became a Christian, God did many things for me -- as He does for people all over the world. But, the one singular thing that Lord Jesus Christ did for me which solved the underlying problem and, as a result, all the attendant issues and symptoms associated with it, was this: He gave me self-esteem. It was not financial security, accomplishments and supportive relationships which helped me face up to the world. It was self-esteem. And, He did it overnight. Even after becoming a Christian, I had low self-esteem, not as a professional but as a woman and it affected the way I related with men.

I remember, a few years ago, when, in private prayer in my room, I affirmed who Jesus Christ is to me as He appeared to me many many years ago. At that time, during a migraine attack, I had cried out to God: "God, what did I do to deserve this?" As if in reply, Lord Jesus came down to my bedside and with outstretched arms said, calling me by name: "Gertrude, I am here for you!"

I never fully understood what that meant until a few years ago when I accepted what He said and came to terms with the fact that He is for me and it didn't matter if I didn't have a boyfriend or husband considering my broken record regarding men! Immediately, my self-esteem shot up! And, I didn't care what people thought of me. Now, I, sometimes, swing to the extreme and am totally insensitive to other people's opinion, but there are people close to me to correct me and put me back on track!

Soon after that, I began to realise that I was relating with people better -- with confidence and greater sensitivity. And the response from them got better and better. I am still learning but getting better as I go along. Now, when people treat me badly, I can take it where before I couldn't. Even better, I can hold my ground and seek an explanation or clarification to understand the situation better and give my point of view to improve communication. As a result, even difficult relationships have become manageable. And, since then, I have also never been depressed! Because the root cause -- lack of self-esteem -- was addressed.

I believe every educational effort, whether corporate, private, secular or spiritual, must aim at building an individual's self-esteem. Self-esteem is the only thing -- not money, not status, not achievements -- that will help people face the world we are living in. If you have self-esteem, you will find a way to get money, live as best as you can and be content within your constraints. If you don't get As, you won't crash! If you don't get too rich, you won't be unhappy! If you don't get what you want, although you tried, you won't be unfulfilled! If you don't have flashy cars, you won't doubt your social standing! You will make the best of what life offers and still be a full and fulfilled person!

Build self-esteem; it is learning to like yourself and doing to others what you would like them to do to you!

The Three Love Therapies: Love Talks, Love Acts and Love Forgives!

2010-03-03T16:57:00.000+08:00

These are what I call the three key love therapies! They are in-built in healthy, thriving relationships. Engaging in them is therapeutic! They are tension releasers; they are the aromatherapeutic oils which lubricate the wheels of your relationship and keep it rolling along smoothly! For me, the most important is the first -- talking.

To make any headway in any relationship, you should be able to talk with the other person. Whether you are relating as a parent to a child, a boss to your staff, a leader to your followers, a friend to another friend, a sibling to another sibling or a man to a woman or vice versa, you have to talk.

Talking is relating, but I don't mean talking to or down to the other person or persons. That assumes a hierarchy, that one is superior to the other and you inevitably pull rank on the other side. Talk like that and you will turn off the other side! Talk like that for long and the other party will relate by reacting! The best type of talking is when you talk with the other person. Then, you include him, her or they as being on your side and affirm the other as an equal in the relationship. Affirmation always encourages the other side to stay in the relationship! It softens defences and encourages you to reciprocate.

Talking is communicating. You say this and the other says that; words go to and fro between the two. Yet, a lot is communicated as you talk. It facilitates self-expression and self-revelation. It brings you closer to the other person because you get to know him/her or them better. It irons out uncertainties, dispels illusions and misperceptions and resolves conflicts. You stop assuming; you get the real facts, the truth -- and the chance to face up to it! It allows for tensions to fizzle out!

But if the only way you can talk is to or down, then the only thing you can expect is a breakdown in communication. People can't express what is in their hearts and all those unspoken concerns are built up until one day they explode -- often in your face! And, then, you naively wonder: "What went wrong?" Or, you declare defensively: "But, I didn't do anything wrong!" Yes, you did. You didn't talk and relate!

Of course, some people talked and all they got in return was a slap on the face! The worst thing to do in that case is to retreat, withdraw into your shell and put in place a slew of protocol on how people should relate to you in future! That would only create a distance between you and the other side and serve to further estrange the relationship and is totally off-putting! It communicates nothing but a lack of love. It says love was not enough to take the brunt and NOT turn it against the other.

When real talking stops, it is the beginning of the end of love. Eventually, the relationship dies. Nothing kills love more than lack of communication. Talking is communicating truth about yourselves; that is relating. If you can't talk with the other person, you can't know about the other person and you can't relate. If you can't relate, there is no relationship! If there is no relationship, there is no channel to show love! Of course, love will die and so will the relationship!

To start a relationship, talk. To keep a relationship moving, talk. To end a relationship, don't talk!

But, love that is all talk and no action is empty love or puerile love! It has no substance. Love always acts. True love is always demonstrated by action. You want to do things for the other. When you talk and get to know the other person, you naturally will begin to do things for the other. If love does not prompt action, it is definitely NOT love. Love is demonstrative. Love must act. The action always endears you to the other. It draws you to a deeper intimacy that talking alone can not achieve. When you know the other person loves you, but doesn't do anything about it, you know you are in a futile relationship. It is not going to go anywhere. Get out of it fast!

In romantic love, the man who acts is the man who woos. Brave men woo! I say they are brave because wooing is risky. She may not love you back! But brave men act to woo because they are willing to take the risk of wanting to know for sure if the women care for them, too. Until they woo, they will never know whether their love interests are just as interested in them. If the response is negative, strong men don't fall apart. They accept the answer given and move on. And, you know, men will tell you that no matter what the response, every man who woos, grows! (This doesn't mean that you woo every woman! No, but if the first declined, it shouldn't deter the man to try again in the next serious relationship!)

Love which acts is the surest way of growing in love!

The last love therapy is forgiveness. This is so important in a relationship -- simply because people are only human and will make mistakes leading to conflicts and emotional stress. Ask for forgiveness and forgive just as easily and you make right the wrong in the relationship. You restore the relationship, and, often, it becomes stronger. But, when you are asking for forgiveness, don't say: "If I have done anything wrong, please forgive .... ." That is not asking for forgiveness because you really don't believe you have done wrong. That is arrogance! A sure deterrent to reconciliation!

The humble acknowledge their mistakes. Sometimes, the wrong is not what you did but what you didn't do! And, sometimes, the wrong is really not a "wrong" but simply something that the other side can't accept. The humble will see how that action might have wounded the other side and be quick to seek forgiveness. The humble also give forgiveness. The proud dig in their heels and resist a change of heart! In a relationship, if you can't be humble you can't ask for forgiveness nor can you give it. Humility opens the way of forgiveness and restoration of the relationship.

There, indeed, is great wisdom in that old-fashioned truth: Forgive and forget!

Next: The Last is Best!

Love Always Thinks Of The Other

2010-02-24T16:20:00.000+08:00

I am no expert in love, but I learnt some priceless lessons from my broken relationships that I would like to share here. The first is about what love is which I have yet to experience! In this series on love, let me start with this topic.

Like what an old priest once explained as love, love always has the best interests of the other person at heart. Unfortunately, that is something I never saw in any of my partners; maybe that's why I let go of them so easily. Men want me. They may even fight for me. And they may adequately provide for me. But, they do not love me -- not in that deep sense that I feel loved. Somehow, I always felt that at the back of their minds, what counted was their -- not my -- interests, and, as a result, I would be short-changed.

Men, I think, don't understand other-centred love. They may genuinely want to love but really don't know how. I suspect the reason is because they have no concept of other-centred love. They have not seen such love among their own parents or mentors. Frankly, I haven't seen it around me, either!

When men talk about love, at the back of their mind, it means what they can get out it! Sex, (most of the time!), someone to take care of them, a pretty face on their arm to boost their ego, someone who will help them make more money, etc, etc, etc. The other person's interests are often subsumed for their own interests. They, of course, will deny this. But, unless they truly love their women, men think of themselves when they love. As long as the woman's material needs are taken care of, that is loving for them.

The woman may be dieing inside -- emotionally, but the man is blind to that. He just is unable to deal with that, or -- more truthfully -- doesn't want to because he doesn't know how, or he is plain too busy to try.

Maybe, that's the reason why so many women are so unhappy in marriage. Their men don't think of their emotional needs. That is the single most integral part of their womanhood they sacrifice for the men they love. But very few men see that and even fewer see it as their failing. Those who do and embrace the deep emotional make-up of women end up being very good partners -- and lovers!

Men need to think of the emotional needs of their women and find ways to meet those needs. But, unless you know your woman, you won't be aware of her emotional needs. If you want to know the real woman, you need to grapple with her emotional self. You need to spend time with her, talk with her, encourage her to reveal the depths of her being.

There's no formula on how to think of the best interests of your women. Every woman is different, just like every man is different. The thing to do is to be attuned to her. To do that you need to spend time talking with her and allowing her to talk with you. And to listen to her when she gets emotional. She may be revealing something of her inner being that will tell you where she is at. You ignore it and you miss knowing her more deeply!

If you can embrace the emotional side of your woman, it would be easy to meet her needs. You don't have to cross oceans, climb mountains and dive into depths to meet her needs. You will just know her better by talking with her. And, in knowing her better, give her what she wants, what would fulfill and satisfy her -- not what you think would and should keep her satisfied!

But, to reach that state of other-centred love, you need to start by talking honestly with her!

Next: The three things that will move your relationship!

Admirers Who Try In Vain!

2010-02-17T18:49:00.000+08:00

I keep men at arm's length but that hasn't stopped them from trying their luck! Most of them didn't go far with me but three men were able to cut to the chase and get ahead! They succeeded because they treated me with respect and confidently eyeballed me and asked me out! They were good relationships which had to end for very good reasons. But we remain friends.

The rest, however, were just a nuisance! Most of them just couldn't take "no" for an answer. If a woman says "no" or doesn't respond to repeated advances, an intelligent man will know she is not interested and back off. A self-respecting man will back off and still treat you with respect. An idiot will keep trying and hit his head against the wall! The worst among the latter are those who notice you from a distance and want you to notice them noticing you but who will not go further than that.

For years they say "Hi" and "Bye" and do nothing else. Some of them are supposed to be men of integrity but they never act on their feelings but implied interest and communicated such to the people around them but did nothing to get close to the objects of their interest. I know some of these women. They waited for these men to make their move and waited. When nothing happened, they rightly ignored them and moved on. Worst still, some of these men walk around like wounded puppies -- as if they are the aggrieved parties when the truth is they never took the initiative to which the women could accept or reject. They assumed rejection when it never happened! I think all of these men need to go for counselling!

All of these types of men (with the exception of the three men who succeeded) know I am not their type but they try their luck with me. When you know I am not your type, why try your luck if not just to play games? To me that is sexual harassment. Of course, the few self-respecting ones who tried and failed don't give me a headache. They treat me with respect and leave me alone while maintaining cordially friendly relations. I wish all the others were like them.

I really am quite sick and tired of this. I am at a point in my life when I want good relationships. But, if I don't get it, I am very happy being the way I am. You know, it is better to be happily single than unhappily married!

Pre-Valentine Break-Up

2010-02-12T16:21:00.000+08:00

I just ended a longstanding relationship. I must have the world record for broken relationships! Too many break-ups! I stayed in this one too long. Like so many women all over the world, I stayed because I hoped things would get better. They didn't and, maybe, I didn't want to accept what the signs were indicating -- this is a not-going-anywhere relationship! But, I still believed. Blinded by hope! Well, it had to end. It was the right thing to do. No, I am ok. Sad, but ok!

I wish men would leave me alone. They give me all the attention I don't want and demand the same in return. And, when they don't get it, they get mean and nasty! But, I can't be flirting with every man! A friend once told me: "You know, Gertrude, you should just be every guy's girlfriend!" Indeed! Yet, his words ring true because that's all they want from me: be "girlfriendish"!

Unfortunately, I don't play their game. And, they can't take it. And, so, I end up being dismissed, maligned and branded as "The Snob" -- simply because they didn't get what they want from me!

All I want is good friendship. Why is it so hard for men to give that?

My best relationships were with married men. Maybe it's because they are secure and could make me comfortable -- until I found out what they were up to and that they were married! Of course, I put an end to those relationships, too.

For men, a single woman is an easy prey. They hit on her from all sides. She doesn't ask for all this attention. It comes uninvited. The men themselves may be married or with partners but that doesn't stop them from indulging, often secretly. And, when they are found out, they get nasty! So, I always know when a man has some interest in me -- when he gets nasty for no apparent reason!

There was a time when I was a neurotic mess because of all this. But, I soon got used to it and saw it for what it really is: sexual harassment. They say they are just being men; I say it is sexual harassment!

Now, I am emotionally very stable. So, I keep everyone at arm's length! And, if that comes across as being a snob, so be it!

My Valentine's post will be on the lessons I learnt from relationships! Coming up next!

Bashful Followers

2010-02-12T15:21:00.000+08:00

Ah! I see new pictures among the followers! I recognise some of your names but I don't really know who owns the shoes and whose shadows are those! And, James, who might you be? Reveal yourselves! You know me. Surely, it should be ok for me to know you, too?

Of course, if I had 100s of followers, I wouldn't expect to know everyone of them. I would be flattered and it would be a good gauge of interest in my blog and the anonymity then might be necessary. But, for now, I only have a few followers and it would be nice to know who they are!

Hope to get to know you all better!

Thank You For Encouraging

2010-01-11T12:01:00.000+08:00

I really am rushed for time, but I am going to squeeze in this short post because you readers have been so encouraging! You motivate me to keep on writing! So, Anonymous, thanks. But, could you reveal your identity? It would be nice to know who my readers are!

And, Fishie, no, I didn't forget you! But, among the followers I didn't see your name. Which one of the icons is yours? And, Brian, just give me a couple of weeks more when I get done with this semester and I'll visit your blog and comment!

Thanks again, folks, and I hope you really enjoy my posts!

Hello 2010! Please Be Different!

2009-12-28T13:55:00.000+08:00

Usually when it is the end of the year, I am in high spirits, full of expectations for what the new year will bring. But this time around, I am pensive. Maybe, I am at a point where I no longer want some things in my life to be the way they have been. And, I am somewhat afraid that things are NOT going to be any different. That, I think, is one of the saddest things in life: when you can't -- for one reason or another -- change some circumstances that you would like changed.

I am at that point. Looking over at 2010 thinking that it would be no different from 2009. I wish I could herald in 2010 more optimistically and more cheerfully. But, I can't. Maybe, I don't have enough faith to believe for the change I want.

And, perhaps, 2010 is going to be a test of whether I find the faith to move mountains. Having articulated it, I guess, that is the solution to my current problem -- faith. If the issue is faith, there really is no point in me ruminating and going around in circles -- like the first generation of Jews who wandered about in the desert for 40 years during Moses' time before they crossed into the promised land because they did not have the faith to obey God. In actual fact, they could have crossed over in less than a week (according to some Bible commentaries)!

So, I think I am simply going to write out a prayer in this blog: Dear Lord, give me the faith to believe what I can't believe and may you bring it to pass from the beginning of 2010. I pray the same for those who feel the same way. In the Name of Jesus Christ, I pray.

If our Lord answers this prayer, you can be sure I will write about it!

For those of you who haven't the faintest idea what I am talking about, don't worry! Just look forward to 2010 and be resolved in your hearts that you are going to make things happen which you will be happy about!

Wishing you the best in 2010!

Followers, Please Unmask Yourselves!

2009-12-28T13:18:00.000+08:00

It has been more than a month since I have updated this blog and I see that I have collected another follower -- James! How nice! But, followers, can you please reveal your identities? I only know who is Brother Bear but I don't know the rest because you don't use your own pictures. C'mon, surely you are not afraid to let people see how you look? Do show youselves or leave a comment to indicate that you are one of my followers!

Employers and Robbers!

2009-11-28T01:11:00.000+08:00

Thank you all for your comments. My apologies for not writing earlier. I have been busy with work and things happen which are all part of life but because work takes so much of my time and energies, I am left with no time to do all the things I want to do! And I put the blame entirely on exploitative employers!

Have you noticed how hard we Malaysians work? Especially we Klang Valley folks. I think we must be the most hardworking people in the world -- and the most boring! We work, work, work and work to earn a living and don't do much of anything else! Leisure is a luxury. When we do find some time, we shop until we drop! We have hobbies but have little time to take them up seriously. We want to read but are always rushing from one place to another and are too unsettled to sit quietly in our favourite places with a book. Infact, I suspect, many don't even read the papers!

When we go out with friends, it is not to socialize but to destress -- thanks to the long and hard hours we put into our work! What have we turned into? Like the KitKat ad, we have become working machines, and become so good at it, that most of the time we are on auto pilot and don't even notice it! Until we crash. And then it is too late. And there's no point in blaming anyone because the damage would have been done.

But, really, someone must take the blame for robbing us of a better quality of life. And that "someone" is no other than THE EMPLOYER!

Employers who squeeze you of the last breath of energy "to make you work for your pay" should be sent back to the Dark Ages! They give baby carrots as bait and make you work your pants off for them! And, we have no choice but to literally kill ourselves to earn a living because that's what work will do to us. But, does the employer care? Of course, not! He has his agenda and everything must fit into that and, if in the process it takes its toll on the workers -- too bad! Take it or leave it!

But, of course, we can't leave it because we need a job! So, we stomach the crap and day by day become lesser of a human being

Why can't our employers be a bit more humane? Create an environment where we work within the standard hours and go home to family, leisure, hobbies, reading -- life. It would recharge us and make us better workers and better people. And, employers will find that easing on the pace of work will eventually result in more productive workers and a better quality of product and services.

If only people are not so driven that it blinds them from seeing the damage they are causing!

The Obscene Sin

2009-10-15T18:47:00.001+08:00

I have been meaning to write on this for some time but being rushed I missed the facts and procrastinated. But, I now have the facts in hand and want to say something about this issue which I just can't accept.

Have you read recent reports on what CEOs in Malaysia earn? Well, I am sure CEOs in other countries earn perhaps more, but, within the Malaysian context, I think, they earn too much which is disproportionate to what work they do!

Let me give you some figures: The CEO of Genting, Tan Sri Lim Kok Thay earned about RM7.2 million per month or RM 86.5 million in 2007. The CEO of Bumiputra-Commerce Holdings (CIMB), Datuk Nazir Razak, had a disclosed earnings of RM9.35 million.

Other highly paid CEOs and top executives in Malaysia include Teh Ah Lek (Public Bank – RM6.2 million), Rozali Ismail (Puncak Niaga – RM5.2 million), Ralph Marshall (Astro – RM3.4 million), Amirsham Abdul Aziz (Maybank – RM2.7 million), Ahamad Zubir Murshid (Sime Darby – RM2 million), Yusli Mohamed (Bursa Malaysia – RM1.97 million) and Lodin Wok Kamaruddin (Bousted Holdings – RM1.85 million). (These facts were taken from the SKORCAREER website.)

Now I know why Malaysia has such a high per capita income! According to the United Nation's Development Programme's Human Development Index (HDI), Malaysia's GDP per capita in 2007 was US$ 13,518 (RM 46,495). We are placed in the upper income developing nation category. Now, how many of us earn that much?

I am quite sure that our per capita income is inflated because of what a few CEOs earn! I think it is too great a divide between the haves and the have-nots when CEOs earn this much and yet there are people in this country who take home a salary of less than RM 1000! And, I don't think those in the lower income brackets form a minority. I think they are in the majority.

The top income earners are definitely the exclusive minority but they are the ones who are doing all the spending because the rest of us don't have that kind of money to spend!

It is no wonder that the thriving markets are those which sell high-end goods because only the exclusive few have the funds to buy them. The rest of us can't spend. Do you see the supermarkets full like they used to be in the 1990s? Do you see the pasar malams bustling with surging crowds? Do you see RM 100,000 properties? All the properties you see in the ads are RM1 milllion and above!

What bothers me most is not that CEOs earn such exorbitant salaries. If it were their own businesses where they invested their own money and resources, I think it is fair that they earn whatever dividends they get. But, if you are a GLC which is partly financed by public funds, then, I don't think its CEO should earn that much -- because the peons who work in the same organisation may be getting pittance in comparison!

What is truly obscenely sinful -- ya, sinful -- is when you are the chief of an organisation which is funded by members and you earn an outrageously high salary in comparison to the lowest rung of workers in the same organisation -- without the approval of your members.

That is totally unacceptable! Yet, such organisations exist. They do not have a proper remuneration scheme nor a retirement scheme which implies their staff can work indefinitely at their current salaries!

Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong in the above if that is what the members want. But, in some of these organisations, the members are in the dark. They have no idea how their leaders got to earn that much!

And, what is really bothersome and worrying is that the leaders see nothing wrong in what they earn. I just can't believe that! Whether you are a GLC or a voluntary organisation or a non-government organisation where the finances are coming from a public source, you are accountable to the people who provide you with the funds. They need to know what you are earning and why. Infact, they need to know everything that is being done with the money they are giving. Nothing should be hidden. Everything should be revealed.

Where such high salaries are concerned, I, personally, feel that the leaders should subject themselves to at least a 30% cut in salaries, and their organisations should come up with a proper remuneration package and retirement plan which should be presented to the AGMs for discussion, amendments and approval by the members.

If the members approve, there's nothing anybody else can say. Until then, the integrity of the leaders earning such high salaries will always be suspect.

Leaders in Crisis

2009-10-15T17:13:00.001+08:00

That best sums up what is happening in the MCA! But, I don't think it is a problem specific to the Malaysian Chinese Association, which is a partner in the ruling Barisan Nasional government. It is a problem with nearly all the political organisations, or, maybe, even with all established organisations!

The issue isn't a leadership crisis -- that would imply that leaders are scarce. The issue is that the existing leaders are in a crisis, meaning something is wrong with their leadership or leadership styles or their personalities and their followers want them to take stock. Existing leaders need to take a good look at themselves to see if they are fit to lead or serve, whether they have overstayed their leadership, whether they can see the errors they are making, whether it is time to step down and move on and, more pertinently, whether their followers want them to lead them.

And they need to have the courage to stand down if their time is up -- as it should have been with the MIC, the Malaysian Indian Congress. Because the leaders didn't make way for a new crop of leaders, see what has happened to the MIC -- it has become a dead duck.

In MCA's case, the delegates have sent a clear message: They have rejected the existing status quo. The alternative is plain for all to see: Have fresh elections to elect the leaders the members want.

The MCA political gamers took a huge risk in going for an EGM. They lost and their own political futures are at risk. But, you have to give them credit for going to their members to find out what the latter really wanted. That, indeed, is democracy at work -- even if politically manipulated. A leadership without the support of the people it wants to lead is really a dictatorship.

Byteful!

2009-10-15T16:55:00.001+08:00

Next Monday, the new semester begins and I will be back to the grind -- with the hectic schedule and all! So, it is going to be difficult to update on a weekly basis, but I will try to post something fortnightly. I hope that won't disappoint you who visit this blog. Meanwhile, today, I am going to give you my insights in small doses!

I can't get my updated editor post to appear so I have to write my "doses" as individual posts -- short, but they'll be sweet!

The Spectre Over A. Kugan Rises Again

2009-10-06T14:16:00.000+08:00

No one made any hooha about it but it is, indeed,odd that only one policeman -- and that an Indian -- is being charged for A. Kugan's death under police custody. It is common knowledge that when a suspect is taken under police custory, more than one policeman attend to him to "get" information. But in A. Kugan's case, only one policeman is being disciplined. Now, why is that?

It looks a bit fishy. Something is not right here. How many policemen were involved in the "handling" of A. Kugan? It might have been that only one man actuallly "handled" him but who gave the approval? And, did any of his superiors urge him to increase the severity of the "handling"? These are questions that need to be answered to show that more than one policeman must be held responsible for A. Kugan's death under custody.

But, why is such information not forthcoming? Without these answers, it would appear that the sole Indian policeman has been set up to take the fall for his colleagues and superiors who do not have his courage.

The public has the right to know the true circumstances that lead to A. Kugan's death and the policemen who actually "handled" him and the policemen who approved the "handling" and who may have approved the increase of the severity of the "handling" must all be held responsible and charged.

If they are not, questions will always remain in the public's mind as to the sincerity and willingness of the authorities to ensure justice for the oppressed. As long as such questions remain unanswered, unstinting support for the BN government will remain questionable.

From the way the BN has been handling Indian issues, my prediction is that the BN government will never ever get the block Indian vote -- not until it is seen as ensuring justice to the oppressed, Indians included.

Speak and hold your Ground!

2009-09-11T18:41:00.001+08:00

Bernard and Day Dreamer, I like both your comments. They show that you are both thinking about your place in this country. That is really encouraging to know.

You know, despite all that is happening around us, there is great good in this country. We live a decent life here, albeit with a lot of sacrifices and stomaching of inequalities. And the prospect of a future society built out of multi-culturalism is extremely attractive -- if we lay the foundations for it now.

That is why I feel the solution to these problems is not to pack up and leave for better pastures. Yes, migration is an option, but, I think, it should only be a choice after we have given our all to make this country our home.

What we should do is to fight for our rights to make Malaysia a better place to live for all. By "fight", I don't mean take up arms or take to the streets in anarchic protests. I mean we should make our politicians work for us. We should first and foremost express ourselves and make ourselves be heard whether in the classroom, the media or the electoral process.

For example, when a lecturer introduces a topic like "1Malaysia" and asks for opinions, students should speak up like Joshua Phua. But, learn to speak your mind logically and without intent to hurt or offend. Speak up and say your piece but say it intelligently, clearly - backed with good points - confidently, and respectfully -- always respectfully because it is important to let the other person know that although your views may differ from his or hers, you will still respect him or her as a person.

On any issue, if you feel strongly about it, let it be known -- in the newspapers, to your elected representatives but let them be known.

Then, participate in the electoral process. If our leaders are not adequately representing us, throw them out and give new ones the chance to lead.

Change can happen only when a majority of the people are willing to make a stand for what they believe in and hold their ground -- as it happened in the March 8 election.

If we want a stake in this country, we must also be willing to give and take. Integrating as a society would mean that some of the things we want need to be given up for the greater good. As an example, we may need to give up on vernacular education and pool those resources to raise the standard of national schools so that all Malaysians -- not just some -- get a sound education.

We must be willing to do such things, then, I think we would have earned the right to be truly Malaysian.

I hope more people will express their thoughts on this subject.

1Malaysia Rings Hollow

2009-09-04T18:29:00.000+08:00

I have been hearing the phrase 1Malaysia bandied about for quite a while, and, frankly, to me, it rings hollow. It does not reflect reality; in fact it exposes everything that is wanting in Malaysian unity. The most basic definition we can give to 1Malaysia is racial integration, but, tell me, how on earth are we to achieve it when every institution in the country is associated by race and by that very characteristic diametricallly opposed to the concept of racial integration?

The Police is Malay-dominated, the armed forces is Malay-dominated, the judiciary is Malay-dominated, civil government is Malay-dominated, the petrol industry is Malay-dominated, the commercial sector is Chinese-dominated. The plantation sector used to be over-run by Indians but now it is taken over by foreigners.

Education, the one place where integration can take place, is also run by divide and rule. Public education veers in favour of Malay priorities; private education is led by the Chinese who pour millions of Ringgit Malaysia into their extremely well-supported and developed Chinese schools and additional millions in ancillary services to give their children the competitive edge in nearly every aspect of life. In addition, private colleges and university colleges are nearly all owned by the Chinese and run for the ultimate purpose of profit.

Divide and rule -- that has been BN polictics since Merdeka. For a semblance of peace, and to stay in power to spearhead Malay interests, UMNO carved out the nation, apportioning a few areas to its BN partners and entrenched the rule of divide and conquer into the fabric of Malaysian life.

No where is this more obvious than in the media. The New Straits Times is owned by UMNO, the STAR is owned by the MCA and now nearly all the Malay papers are also owned by UMNO or companies linked to it. The leading Chinese newspaper, Sin Chew Jit Poh, is MCA-owned. Nearly all the broadcast stations are owned by UMNO or companies linked to it. All present the government line because if they didn't they will lose the licence to operate.

Against this scenario, what place does 1Malaysia have? It is just a PR gimmick, at best, a slim hope that Malaysians will strive for oneness against the surging tide of partisan politics. But, seriously, when the country is racked by divisive rule and institutions identified by race, where do we start to integrate? People -- without being told -- have always tried to integrate where possible. But, when at every turn you come up against race-based politics that has smeared every aspect of Malaysian life, how do you integrate?

UMNO's rule has brought this nation to the current state of volatile and unmoored politics -- a politics that every thinking individual regards with utter contempt. Yet, changes have been resisted, and superficial where they were implemented.

I think we must forget 1Malaysia and Vision 2020 and all those PR pieces at supposedly unifying the people. Instead, we should put our heads together and come up with well thought of and executed policies that will eventually -- hopefully in the near future -- lead to integration and a win-win situation for all.

I, personally, feel there are only two things to do to get on the track of real integration. Firstly, make it illegal for political parties to own companies. Secondly, revamp the entire education system so that Bahasa Malaysia is the medium of education for all. But at the same time, set in place very strong English learning and pupils own languages programmes from the kindergarten level. If the latter programmes are well implemented, our children will become bi- and tri-lingual and, I believe, will be able to compete with each other irrespective of race. And, they will learn to grow and live together.

If only we have the will to do what is good and right........ !

In Memory/A Piece of Missing History

2009-07-14T14:13:00.000+08:00

My father was some sort of a local hero. Dominic John Pereira aka DJ Pereira was the Chief Clerk of the Socfin estate in Slim River, Perak. He was one of the very select few locals who held that post in the British-owned company. He reported only to the white manager who reported to the headquarters in Damansara, Kuala Lumpur and was overseer for four divisions and hundreds of local staff. He was very influential because he could help get jobs for people.

But, that was not the only reason why he was well-known. He stood up for what he believed in -- even at the risk of personal injury. When I was little, my brothers often talked about some of his exploits. Two stories stayed in my mind -- both happened during the end of the Japanese Occupation of the then Malaya (now, Malaysia). In one instance, he was asked by some Japanese for petrol for their bus which had stalled. My father had hidden petrol and, of course, the Japanese knew that and asked him for it. He showed them all he had, but, they insisted that he had hid more. Finally, he said, "I've shown you everything I have and I don't have anything more. So, if you want to shoot me, you can!" But, for some reason, they didn't!

Some time later, an arrogant young Japanese assistant manager had an exchange of words with him. My father did not understand Japanese and didn't know what he was saying. Finally, the young Japanese called him out from his office and, in front of all of my father's subordinates, slapped him. My father, who is no pushover, turned around and gave him a resounding blow that sent the young man rolling on the ground. The latter picked himself up, drew his sword to strike my dad but was stopped by the other men.

Serious charges were levelled against my father and meetings were held between the Japanese side and my father's side. He was finally exonerated and, I am glad for that because if he had been killed I wouldn't have been born!

I never realised how much he was respected until he died. When he died, the route the hearse took from my house to church where the funeral service was held was lined with people all along the way. I was very little then, but that was one detail of the few things I remembered of my father. Another thing I remembered was the walks I had with him. He was retired and old by then, and every evening, if it didn't rain, he would take me on a long walk, usually to the town centre of Teluk Anson (now Teluk Intan) and back. Often, he would stop at a mee stall and we would have mee soup together!

At the time we went walking, the mee soup stall would be closed. But, if my father stopped by, the mee soup man would not hesitate to take things from the stored away stuff to make a bowl of soup for him and his only daughter! And, my father would always leave a lot of change on the table.

My father was a man's man. My brothers adored him. I mean he would race with his five sons on the beach when we went to Port Dickson for holidays. I didn't know him as well as my brothers. My brothers were born in the passion of youth and, perhaps, my father could relate to that. I was born when all the passion and the excitement of the early stages of marriage were spent and my parents had gotten all the fighting out of the way! Then, they got lovey dovey again and in the mellow warmth and understanding of their latter years I was born -- after my mother had prayed for six years for a daughter!

My father gave my family a distinctive history but it disintegrated after he died. What followed then was a dark blotch from which some of us barely scraped through; a few never recovered. Suffice to say that my mother, in the true vein of the Catholic faithful, "carried her cross -- or rather -- crosses" faithfully. She bore up courageously and, despite the circumstances, I never once saw her crumble. Instead, she found the grace to smile and carry on.

I was closer to my mum -- close enought to be constantly at odds with her! She was always tightening the knots of her apron strings and I was always untieing them! In exasperation, she would exclaim: "From the age of 10, you have been fighting for your freedom!" I never took my mum as seriously as I should have -- not, until she died.

It was my last semester at the University of Wisconsin, Madison where I was studying for my degree in journalism. Brother Number Four flew up, saying he wanted to attend my graduation, and after my final exam, a day before graduation, dropped the bombshell that mother had passed away. Graduation took on a different meaning after that. I never cared about how I looked which bothered the heck out of my mother. It was important to her that I looked good to reflect her status as a wife of a former local somebody. I didn't care. So, for graduation I was going to dress up in a simple batik kaftan and walk to campus in sneakers which the kaftan would have hidden!

Instead, I went shopping and bought myself a pair of fancy heels in a size that constricted my feet (because there was no size to fit my feet) and I pulled out a nice sari I had never won. Dressed in these, and with my brother, I made the long walk to the campus graduation grounds tottering in feet-pinching shoes! Just so that I would have pictures to show home that the daughter of the local somebody had achieved something and looked good and that her mother had done well by her.

I started to dress better after my mother died. She would have been pleased by it.

Graduation was bitter sweet. But, I was glad for my American classmates with whom I sat. They knew what I was going through and said nothing but included me. Among us, we shared a bottle of wine sitting in the stands. It was good company. It was followed by a party which my good friends, Ellen and Chuck Broughton held for me. All my American friends attended. It was a distracted but comforting time. I have always been glad that at the time of my mother's passing I kept good company. She would have been pleased to know it.

Of all my brothers, I was closest to Brother Number Four. Stellachen -- Stellas was his name and the "chen" is from "achachen" which is the Malayalee term for elder brother, and hence, for short, Stellachen -- was always looking out for me. My mother used to say that when my brothers returned from school all except my fourth brother will throw their bags on the floor somewhere and race to the lunch table. My fourth brother, however, would place his bag by the cot where I lay and play with me first before he had his lunch. He was protective of me and would vet all my prospective proposals and boyfriends and tell me which one drank too much!

I know my fourth brother loved me. But, there is no one whom he loved more than his daughter, Joanne Naomi Pereira aka Lolly! Lolly was the apple of his eye! She could do no wrong! She was the youngest of his three children and the only girl. Lolly would get into fights with her brothers and if they complained, it would fall on deaf ears! Infact, they would be disciplined but she would get off the hook! If anyone said that was unfair, my brother would reply, "She is a girl, lah!"

He taught his sons never to hit her, and so, any girl -- no matter how much she incensed them!

I can still remember how patient he was with her and how he made himself approachable to her. He was her greatest toy. Lolly would find some part of him to play with. He would be sitting in his favourite chair and reading papers while she would be humming around him doing her masak-masak (play cooking) on his arms and legs. Then, she would go around to his head and tie up his hair in a pony tail on the top of his head. Maybe he was aware and maybe he wasn't but he seemed oblivious to the fact that his daughter was making him into a spectacle and that it was very, very comical!

When she was hardly four and her brothers were out playing with their friends, Lolly would walk restlessly around the house wanting someone to play with and finding none. Her father would take her out and teach her how to skateboard. He never did that for his sons, but for his daughter -- he would do anything.

"Lolly" was the last name he called out before he died. My brother collapsed from an aneurism in my house, slipped into a coma and never regained consciousness again. More than my parents, I often miss him. Because we spent a lot of time talking. We would be planning this and planning that! My nephew would always comment: "When Acha (father) and Aunty Jet (my pet name) sit to talk, the calculator will come out!" We didn't have money but we made countless plans!

I learnt from him how to make money work for me. It came in very handy when, after he was gone, I had to learn to take care of myself by myself and manage my affairs independently.

It took me a long time to validate my history. My brothers are growing old and time is short. And the younger generation know so little about my side of their history. I want them to know that theirs is a good history. Mistakes were made -- only because we are human. Now, though, we can be magnanimous and forgive and forget because the sum total, bearing down on who we are today, is good.

In the last couple of years, the surviving members of my family have begun to reconcile with themselves and with each other. We are thankful for the people who have gone on before us and the connections they left behind. They have given birth to a second and third generation that -- I am very proud to say -- have found their feet and living their own lives.

We recently held a memorial for the family members who are no longer with us in celebration of who they were, the connections they left behind and the people they influenced. Uploaded are some pictures from the event. My parents' wedding picture, of course, was not taken then! I included it here because it says something of who they were in the generation that has long gone.

In loving memory of my father, DJ Pereira, my mother, Sara Pereira, and my brothers Stellas and Walson Pereira. The latter has been missing since 1983. We wish him well.

Wait for Just a Little While More!

2009-06-16T12:26:00.000+08:00

Please bear with me. I had a frustating time over the weekend trying to go online with my new Maxis account for broadband service with its very portable USB modem. I could go online but despite trying various ways I couldn't get into my hotmail nor gmail account and so couldn't access my blogger dashboard. And, I am currently very busy and will not be able to sort this out now. By next week I should be well set up to go online and into my blog anytime anywhere with my new laptop! So, articles will be posted from then on.

Sorry, to hear about your grades, Brian. Studying for a degree is not like studying for Foundation subjects. You have to practice all that I tried teaching all of you which most of you generally ignored! You need to focus (pay attention in class), read a lot, take notes during lectures, organise your thoughts and come up with new ideas and thoughts (which comes from reading!). Hope you will do better next semester.

Getting to Know my Readers

2009-06-10T14:53:00.000+08:00

Hi, Mathew! Hmmmm..... You are not my mystery follower, are you? I like to know my readers. Then, I don't feel like I am writing to strangers! From your comment, I hope I am right in deducing that you are not a student. Right? That's nice to know. So, no, Mathew, I won't call you when I see a rat in my house next! Ha, Ha! The rats have been vanquished! No more rats in my house. I have got my home, my refuge, my sanctuary back!

I have a new post coming up soon -- about some forgotten details about a local history. You can view it after Friday! With pictures, too!

ConversationUTAR3

2009-06-05T14:48:00.000+08:00

Smash that roach with a slipper or sandal, Fishie! It's ok to kill them. They won't splash on you -- like it would if they were rats! So, it's back to the grind of college, now? What a pity, we couldn't meet up. For some reason, it just doesn't seem to work out. Well, maybe it was meant to be that way. So, I'll see you when I see you!

I found out recently that I got 2 followers. The first is Brian. Well that doesn't surprise me as Brian is an English major and he was my student and writes good English. But, I am slightly dumbfounded that I got a second follower but I don't know who that person is. Could you reveal your identity? I am overcome with curiousity!

I have a couple of things to write about, but, it being the beginnng of the semester, I am a bit over worked! When the pace eases a bit, you can expect a few new posts.

Conversations - Utar2

2009-05-26T12:38:00.000+08:00

Why, Fishie, you wrote quite a bit and interesting to read as well! See, it is not so bad expressing yourself. Do it more often and you can start a social website for UTAR students!

You passed, great! Many As, I hope! Fishie, before you go back to Kampar, it would be nice if I could see you. I'll be in campus every day from lunch to 5pm. Can have tea at SP Corner. On Fridays, I am usually here until very late. So, if you can make it here, do give me a call. If Brian wants to join you, that's ok, too.

And, Brian, so what's the difference between finding love and catching love? And, now, you say you've lost it! O, dear. You love life is rather fluid!

Pet Peeves

2009-05-22T13:22:00.000+08:00

Yes, I did think of getting a cat but where would I find an already house-trained cat? I don't want to be going after it to clean up its mess! I am not someone who will run after pets and clean up after them!

You know, it amazes me the things people do for their pets. One of my neighbours actually wakes up at two in the morning to let her pet dog out to relieve himself -- or is it herself, I didn't ask her! Like most pet owners, she -- the owner, not the dog! -- goes out with one hand covered with a plastic bag with the other clutching an old newspaper page. As soon as her pet has done its business, she will pick up the poo with the plastic bag-wrapped hand and swipe off its butt with the newspaper! And, back they go into their house!

When I go for my walk I see more such labours of pet love! The other day I saw this man with his dog. As soon as it spread its legs to do its business, he ran up to her behind and laid the newspaper beneath to catch the falling poo! My Gosh! He wrapped it all up in paper and walked the dog home!

The things people do for their pets! You'll never catch me doing that for my pets. Maybe, that's why I don't have pets -- because taking care of them will stress me out. Managing their poo habits will stress me out even further!

My old cat -- which has since passed away -- came to me house trained. What I liked most about her was that she left me alone except when she wanted food and wanted to answer the call of nature. If it were night and the house was locked up, she would scratch and thump my door until I woke up and let her out of the house.

She would then go and do her business somewhere, mostly in my garden which I didn't mind because it was a big garden and I didn't use it much and her toilet area was at the far end and she duly covered it up so I never got any stench!

Occasionally when I wasn't harassed by work and got affectionate, I would wrap her up with an old T-shirt and set her on my chest, cuddling her, and wait for her to rest her whole weight on my chest. After a while, she would jump off. She, too, wasn't exactly the expressive and always attention-seeking, touchy-touchy, lap dog-type!

Now, where can I find a cat which can hop on to a toilet seat and ease itself clean into the toilet bowl! I'll take that cat!

Conversations - UTAR1

2009-05-19T14:26:00.000+08:00

Rats in your hotel? Ooo! Horrors! You should -- with the other students -- complain to the owners of the hotel so that they will do something to rid the place of these nerve-rattling pests! They are a health hazard, too!

Nothing to do, Fishie? Why don't you think of some issue or incident and write about it as a comment? I will comment on your comment and let's see who else will join in.

Rat-rattled!

2009-05-18T17:10:00.000+08:00

Letting off steam is good, and you did it constructively -- by expressing it in words! So, that's ok. You came by last Wed? Hmmm. Maybe I was in a rush because I had the hottest and hectic 10 days of my life, filled with events that made me hotter than the weather!

Firstly, my car exhaust broke and came loose. I had to have it repaired. Then, the engine warning light came on and I had to send the car back to have that fixed. Then, I decided to spruce up the facade of my house and fix back awnings. While the workers were doing all that and while my car was being fixed, I hung around waiting for everything to get done, tiring myself out from the anxiety of waiting!

When I got my car back, the air cond system went bust! I had to get that fixed. Without the air cond made me hotter than hot!

Finally, air cond now fixed, I got home at 8pm, had dinner, read the papers, took a nice cold bath, and, fresh, settled down to watch my favourite TV serial, Prison Break. During the ad break, I went into the kitchen, turning the fan on and then the light, and standing at the sink, I saw from the corner of my eye, a huge black creature bound out from the wet kitchen from behind the washing machine.

I jumped back and saw this black rat, the size of a cat, hop across the kitchen and out! I was startled seeing that thing in my house because rats don't come inside my house. Thinking that it had fled, I got my glass of water and went back to Prison Break.

Again, during an ad break, I went back to the kitchen for something. I turned the fan on, and then the light and standing at the sink, saw a second creature bound out from the wet kitchen! This time I squeaked in fright! It was smaller but still an adult rat! It disappeared out, too.

Too caught up by Prison Break, I went back to TV viewing. When the programme was over, I went to the kitchen to start locking up before going to bed. This time, a third baby rat fled out, skidded on the marble floor, hit the wall, scrambled back on its legs and escaped behind the book shelf!

I squealed! "From where are they coming from!"

Stick in hand, I scoured the whole house for rats -- under the chairs, sofa, beds, cupboards, bathrooms. Satisfied there were no more rats in my house, I locked up and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next day, and went to the kitchen, the first thing I did was to look for rats! None in the house! Relieved!

At night, again, I settled down to read the papers. Then, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. And, lo! I shrieked in shock! Another blinking rat! A big one, too! Not as big as the first cat-sized black rat, but still a grey-brown adult one! Rats in my house! What's happening!

A fourth rat, second day in a row! That left me undone!

I became so petrified, I ran to the living room, sat in my chair and didn't move for an hour! Then, fearfully I shut all the windows, locked up the house, went upstairs, with the stick, made a lot of noise to drive out the rats, and not finding one finally went to sleep!

I decided: I was not going to live with rats! The next morning, I called the pest exterminators, got one who could come immediately and paid RM 100 to make sure there were no rats in my house!

They checked everywhere and assured me there were no rats. But, to be doubly sure, they left rat poison and rat traps, which, didn't make things any better. I didn't mind the rat poison because the rats would eat that and go away from the house for a water source, usually the drain, where they would die.

The rat traps kept my fear at heightened levels! The rat trap was actually a small rectangular piece of cardboard on which is spread some rat glue. Pieces of biscuit are placed on the glue to bait the rat. I was petrified that I would have to deal with a rat stuck in glue!

The exterminators said that all I needed to do was to take the board and put it in a big plastic bag and throw it away! What? What if the rat were alive? I didn't want to see a rat thrashing in glue in the throes of death! I told them, "I will call you! Please come take it away!" It is a service they do.

Every hour I would check the mats which were placed in the kitchen and outside the house for dead rats. No rat. But was I relieved? No! The damage was done. I broke out in fear. Nothing could allay those fears. When I stepped into my house, I couldn't breathe! I was terrified I would run into a rat!

Just before locking up for the night, I looked outside to see if there were a dead rat. I didn't see the glue mat. Instead, I heard the rough sound of something dragging something like a mat on the other side of my parked car in the porch.

It was midnight and I didn't want to shock myself and get all worked up over having to deal with a dead -- or dying -- rat! I locked up and went to sleep!

The next morning, picking up the papers and looking for the missing glue mat, I found it behind the back right wheel of my car. That wily rat, trapped by glue, had dragged itself with the mat 10 feet away to where I had found it! I called the pest busters and they carried it off.

Since then, I have not seen a rat in my house but do I feel relieved? No, the spectre of rats in my house is so vivid, it has shattered the sense of security I feel in my own house.

I am totally at rest and relaxed in my house but rats have destroyed that! I walk around my house looking for rats now! I am praying and waiting for the day when I can forget about rats and claim my house again as my refuge and sanctuary. Please, God, let that day come fast, like now!

Brian-still-looking-for-love, sure, anytime you need help, you can ask me. BTW, forget about looking for love, look for living your life! And, Fishie, if you make another trip to PD Block, do sms me first. Brian should have given you my number. If not, do get it from him.

What's Up?

2009-05-08T17:47:00.000+08:00

Warriorrose is beginning to get lonely in cyberspace! No one -- except for Brian, thank you, Brian -- is chatting her up! Now, where have all the readers gone to? Maybe, I am losing my touch! Even Fishie doesn't comment anymore! She must be studying real hard. Well, exams are over. So, I am expecting to hear from a few of you soon!

By the way, Brian, in journalism, we never write thesis sentences; we write leads! You have forgotten, so soon? Never mind, when you take journalism next semester, everything will jolt back into memory!

So, I take it that you are staying put in UTAR? Finally coming to terms with the choice of your major? You know, you can always do your master's in psychology. Things have a way of sorting themselves out.

Don't Let Me Scare You Off Jounalism!

2009-04-24T16:38:00.000+08:00

What? No comments? No one has an opinion about anything? C'mon, I am sure you have something to say about something?! Do give it a shot.

Meanwhile, here are two pix of me frightening the students during my recent lecture on journalism at the Kampar campus. I was told I scared them off journalism with my stories on meeting deadlines and all the challenges journalists face and how that messes up their personal lives!

Relax. These are the occupational hazards of the job! Journalists who have been in their profession for long love what they do despite the negatives. They love the adrenaline rush, the heady excitement of being right in the centre of news-making action, access to privy information and the satisfaction of getting to the root of the matter.

If you like a fast-paced, action-packed life and are not afraid of talking to people and getting information from them, you will fit in just nicely. The point is you must know what is expected of you and have the confidence that you can deliver. Then, you are cut out for the job! After some time, you will also be able to find some time and space to enjoy your personal life.

So, to all the budding journalists out there, good luck!

The top picture shows a class rep presenting me with a gift. That was a very thoughtful gesture which I appreciated a lot!

Just Talk!

2009-04-15T14:24:00.000+08:00

I am going into a busy part of the year and doubt if I would be able to post weekly articles. I will only be writing when I can squeeze in the time. But, I don't want to cut off communication altogether.

Instead, I am going to encourage you, my readers, to converse with me about this and that and anything! Put in your comments and I'll respond as a post! I'll put the post up on a Friday, so you can get to read it from Saturday onwards. I hope many of you engage in this online chit chat. Let's see where it will take us!

By the way, I must warn you, be careful about what you say, because if the conversations turn out good, I might just decide to compile them in a book for sale! I will quote you! And, all rights reserved!

The Social Faux Pas Between Unequals

2009-04-13T14:26:00.000+08:00

Now, what is wrong with this picture? It created a little social controversy, but why? It is probably the first time the world has seen a public display of affection by The Queen. (Right now, there is only one "The Queen" and that title is reserved for none other than Queen Elizabeth of England.) But, why was that a controversy?

The story goes that when Queen Elizabeth met US First Lady Michelle Obama for the first time, she let her hand edge to the back of the First Lady and the latter reciprocated by putting her hand around the Queen. This is a definite "no, no"! Palace protocol dictates that no one touches The Queen! And no one is to extend a hand to The Queen -- not unless she extends it first! Even then, you take it very gingerly and make sure you don't go overboard with an effusive display of affection! The Queen and the US First Lady, by the way, slowly let their hands drop and kept the space between them after that.

So, what happened here? Why did The Queen intuitively reach out to embrace the US First Lady, even if only very discreetly? She has never done this with any other woman in public. (Maybe even in private, I don't know!) So, why did this happen?

I have a little explanation.

This is not the first time a faux pas like this has taken place. When talk show host Jay Leno invited US President Barack Obama to his show, the former did the same. There was a picture of the two that appeared in The Star where Leno leans forward and reaches out his right hand to touch Obama's left shoulder. He is the President. How come you feel so free to be so familiar with the President?

(Excuse the size of the pictures! I couldn't get bigger pictures!)

Some people may say that it was a simple gesture of acceptance. Fair enough. And, that might have been the same reason Queen Elizabeth broke protocol and reached out to embrace Michelle, O, so imperceptibly.

But, have you noticed that such so called "gestures of acceptance" are generally taken by white people and, generally, with not-white-people? If the Obamas were white, would people have felt the need to embrace and hug them as a sign of acceptance? They do not show this display of affection with one of their own. Why show it to someone of a different race?

I believe this is a social faux pas that not just white people commit but which members of any majority group are prone to similarly act.

Somewhere at the back of the majority consciousness is a sense of insecurity when a member of a minority group gets into power or reaches a level of equality that the majority group is forced to come to terms with.

The majority group can not dismiss the minority group member because the latter is now exercising his or her rights as an equal -- not as a member of the oppressed minority. The sense of insecurity arises because the majority is unsure if the minority member will play the game as they understand it. To compensate for that sense of insecurity, they try to be extra "pally", buddy-buddy-like! They reach out to touch their black President; they give a gentle embrace of the visiting more-important-than-them, black First Lady.

All these gestures are aimed at showing their acceptance of you, no doubt. But, how would you feel if you were the black President or Third World leader or minority group member now CEO leading an organisation made of majority group members?

You would inevitably wonder: "I am your President not your friend. Why are you putting your arm around me?" Or "Yes, I am a woman in a top position but that does not mean I don't know what I am doing and you need to teach me or go out of your way to show me how!" Or "Yes, I am a Third World leader not a First World leader, but you don't have to be so condescending and patronising and hold my arm to indicate to me that you welcome me like as if I shouldn't be welcomed because of who I am but because you are so magnanimous you will welcome me!" Or "Yes, I am the first black First Lady, but you don't have to go out of your way to show your acceptance of me just because I am black!"

So, you see behind all these gestures is an underlying perception that you are still not their equal. You are still different. That is the reason they don't accord you the same respect and distance they naturally give to someone of their same majority group or race.

It is all very unconscious; they are not doing it intentionally. They are just reacting to their own insecurity and make all these social blunders when interacting with minority groups and people of a different race.

Unfortunately, minority members in majority positions some times do not understand the cross-cultural misreading that takes place when cultures and sub-cultures interact. They are quick to pick on the underlying lack of disrespect and react, often by insisting on a slew of protocol on how people should relate to them. Because, they are now in authority, they have the power to insist on the protocol and they come across looking like bullies, when they don't mean to. This further worsens the estrangement between the two sides. Or, the minority leader swings to the other extreme and dismisses and curses off the majority as a bunch of no-good bigots!

When, in fact, all that is needed is simple understanding, and a willingness to communicate and relate despite the misconceptions. Relate instead of retreating until the relationship sorts itself out on a balanced keel. The worst thing to do is to retreat because you deprive both sides the opportunities to find a way to relate in the most optimum way they can.

In cross-cultural relationships, the worst thing to do is to retreat and put a wall up. You, then, miss the chance for a breakthrough that would make the relationship better than you expect!

A safe and simple way to start a cross-cultural relationship is to follow the basic rules of social protocol:

i. With unequals and equals who are not friends, maintain a physical space after a handshake. It does not matter whether they are black or blue or green. They are people and they are not your friends. So, keep a respectful distance!

ii. When they become friends, be sure they don't mind you putting your arm around them! If they do, please, again, keep your distance and keep your hands to yourself!

iii. If anyone with rank treats you as friends, you have to respect their position. They are your friends but they have rank over you and, so, keep your hands to yourself! You have to let them call the shots until they give you the privilege of equal friendship.

iv. Someone with rank can put his or her arm around you but if you don't like it, cringe. They won't do it the next time!

vi. Generally, treat other people the same way you would treat people of equal rank or position in your own community. That is the most complimentary way of relating cross-culturally; it shows you accept them as equals.

Conversations2

2009-03-30T16:48:00.000+08:00

It's all right, Fishie! Look me up when you come by the PD Block during your break. We can do coffee here!

David? ... David, David? Hmmmm.... . The name is so familiar but I can't recall the face. Maybe, you should attach a pic with your comment! Well, if you saw me sitting alone, drinking hot coffee, why didn't you stop by to say, "Hello"? I don't bite, you know!

Sounds like some of you are really enjoying the Kampar campus. The lake, particularly, seems to be a point of interest. From your accounts, it has all sorts of creatures in it. Otters, even? Maybe, next time, I'll get to see these creatures. If you see those creatures, take some pictures and send them to me. I'll upload them here!

I am going on a break, so my next post will appear after the April 10 Easter weekend. To those of you who celebrate Easter, I hope you will have a special insight of what Easter is all about. Those who don't celebrate Easter but would like to know more about it, just accompany a friend to an Easter service!

Conversations1

2009-03-25T16:48:00.000+08:00

Yes, Kenny, the view from the UTAR Kampar campus cafeteria is great. I actually did see a crocodile snout (it looked like it from where I was seated!) glide through the water surface. I pointed it out to Nelson who happened to see me there. He said it was Zhen Hui! It seems that is Zhen Hui's pet name!

Yes, Kenny, it was nice bumping into you. Good to also know that you are looking well and have nicely settled into campus life. You did look like you were enjoying yourself. Glad to see that.

Don't worry about it, Brian. I will see you when I see you all.

Conversations

2009-03-20T16:23:00.000+08:00

Hmmmmm... ! I didn't get any missed calls nor sms from you or Fishie or anyone else, Brian. Did you get the right handphone number? I think you might have my old number which I don't use anymore. I sent you the new number in the earlier email to you. Check your emails and make sure you have my right number. You might have passed on my old number. That might explain things. I was wondering why no one contacted me! Do correct the problem, Brian!

I came by UTAR van and the pick-up time for the return trip was 5.30pm. I was at the canteen up to about 5.15pm and had to go off to board the van back, Fishie.

Never mind, do keep in touch. Hope I will see you all one of these days!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-03-16T16:03:00.000+08:00

Hmmmm...... . This is, indeed, a curious movie! Quite improbable! But, it is an interesting premise to discuss the hot topic of age differences in relationships and how love crosses them!

Scott Fitzerald's theme in his book by the same name is clearly communicated in the movie -- that at any numerical age, one is, in a way, both young and old. Benjamin Button ages from an old man to a baby. Along the way, at various ages, he finds relationships. He is able to relate, though it is hard to say what age he really is! But, does it matter? The point is he related and developed good lasting relationships as with Daisy, his love, and Queenie, his adopted mum.

The movie examines this issue with unprejudiced clarity and depth. For that alone, it is worth watching! It defies the conventional notions of age while establishing the fact that where there is love, age differences, too, can be conquered.

Having said that, I have to add, this is probably workable in the reel world -- not the real world! In reality, no full-blooded young man or woman -- whether 18, 28 or even 38 -- is going to start a lasting relationship with, say, a 70-year-old even if she looks as hot and beautiful as Cate Blanchet was made up to look at around 60 plus or if he were as wealthy and desirable as media baron, Rupert Murdoch! Not that it never happens.

Aussie media moghul, Rupert Murdoch, was 68 when in 1999 he married his third wife, Wendy Deng (who is a Chinese) when she was 30 years old. The marriage is still going strong and they have two daughters. And, actress Joan Collins, around 60-plus of age, married someone who was about 30 years old more than a decade ago. That marriage, too, is holding.

But, these are exceptions rather than the norm. Murdoch is filthy rich and that is a good reason for a woman to go for such an old man. And, Joan Collins? Well, Joan Collins is Joan Collins! And, she, isn't exactly super rich! But, she is hot and there must be something in that relationship to keep it going.

Of course, there are more such examples and we hear of them all around us. Generally, though, these May-December relationships are great affairs, and encouraged to be kept that way. But, I find that quite hypocritical. I mean, you don't mind having sex with them but you don't believe they can support an emotional relationship with you?!

So, I find more honesty in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button than among the affair-lovers because it shows a real relationship despite the age differences. It may be highly improbable but not entirely impossible!

There are two reasons why it worked in the movie and those same reasons can apply to real life. One is the unique circumstances you may be in. Benjamin Button didn't choose his life; it happened that way. Old and ugly at birth, his father abandoned him. A black woman -- who, herself understood what it is like to be rejected because of the way one looks -- saw beyond the ugliness and beheld just a rejected baby and took care of him. Because of her magnanimity a story began that could be told.

The second reason is love. This, really, is the only reason that crosses all boundaries, barriers and differences. It was love that made a black woman at the bottom of the social heap pick up an abandoned white boy and raise him. It was love that made an old-young man start a family, although it was that same love that also led him to leave the woman and child he loves because he knew he would not be able to support them when he ages and becomes a child. And, later, to embrace again the now older woman. It was love that led an old woman to take care of the man she loves who has now become a baby. Love transcends all things.

But, such real love, whether in a May-December relationship or in any other relationship, is rare. But, I think, people are not stupid. When real love happens, we know it and we do what only love bids us to do and always in the best interests of the person loved. No one needs to train or teach us. Love always prompts action and always in the direction of the person/s loved.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is not really an entertaining movie. But, as food for thought? It is excellent!

Slumdog Millionaire

2009-03-16T12:48:00.000+08:00

I will give Slumdog Millionaire a four-star rating. It loses a star for its somewhat far-fetched plot and an only average standard of acting. But, on all other counts, it deserved its Oscars.

The cinematography is brilliant. The angles at which it captured the scenes give an interesting perspective of slum life in India and the colours that are part of the environment but which are often missed because overwhelming poverty grabs your attention. Yet -- because of the cinematography -- you see colour in that abject poverty -- flashes of colourful sarees and reflecting light in running water and falling rain, for example. The music is hauntingly dramatic, weaving the theme of tragedy as the plot unfolds and the drumbeat keeps you sensually in suspense.

The movie is tightly edited and the plot, while simple, portrays a slice of reality in up and coming India -- the horrors of life in the slums which form the inescapable reality of its inhabitants. That's the way life is -- unless luck is on your side. As the blind boy Aravind tells Jamal: "The only difference between you and I is that you were lucky!"

And luck is on Jamal's side all the way to the top prize of the game show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". It is quite incredulous that all the questions that the host of the show asks Jamal could be related to some specific experience he has gone through. That might be a bit hard to believe, but it does show that Jamal is, indeed, a lucky guy who -- because of luck -- finally gets the love of his life!

Despite its apparent shortcomings, Slumdog Millionaire is nevertheless a highly entertaining movie. It is visually stimulating and musically emotion-evoking and with a real plot without the typical melodrama that Bollywood is famous for. And, Danny Boyle definitely deserves an Oscar for Best Director for taking unknown actors and slum children and raising them to a commendable standard of acting as evidenced in the movie.

Slumdog Millionaire is worth watching!

Softening Up!

2009-03-02T15:42:00.000+08:00

O, Sam, thanks again for the compliments! But the truth is that my students have seen the dark side of me! But that has not deterred some of them from being open to me. And, we end up being friends. I must compliment them for their confidence and openness! They may not have realised it but because they are that way, I have softened up! I learn somethings from them, too, you know!

For the next couple of days, I won't be updating my blog because I will be busy watching movies. Most of the Oscar-nominated movies are playing in town, so, I am going to watch them all! I have already watched Slumdog Millionaire from the A row (the first fow from the screen!) -- they were the only seats available on the night we went to watch it! So, I got a down-upward view of Slumdog Millionaire. It was slightly disorientating and we were 10 minutes late, but I still caught the essence of the movie. I think I am going to see it again from one of those higher seats to get a full and complete perspective.

Read the movie reviews in my next blog!

March 1st birthday!

2009-02-27T18:12:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday, Wong KaiFu. I know you are now incommunicado and that's ok. But, I still want you to know that I didn't forget your birthday! Mainly because it falls in the same month as mine! But more because the date was unusual -- 1. I remembered!

Have a great day with lots of fun!

Hot Over Current Issues

2009-02-27T16:52:00.000+08:00

Firstly, I like Fishie's attitude. She met with a disappointment, admitted it, and as she immersed herself in all that varsity work, she forgot about it -- hopefully -- and could still laugh over it! Atta, girl, that's the way to go!

I think that's the best way to deal with the disappointments of life: Face up to it, admit how you feel, then immerse yourself in something new or absorbing and move on. After a while, you can even laugh over it! He! He!

Secondly, I really must say something about the Elizabeth Wong pictures. Malaysians are a bunch of voyeurs! They are too cowardly to exhibit but they love to watch! What if that were your mother's or sister's pictures? You wouldn't look. I didn't look out of respect for a fellow woman.

Our communal ties are so loose that we don't see another human being as someone connected with us. Not connected, that person just becomes a mass of flesh, not a human being, just someone you can fool around with! Shame on the person who took those pictures and abused the sanctity of the privacy of the relationship by passing the pictures for circulation. It wasn't as if she -- or he -- were married and having an affair or buying sex! What's wrong with sleeping in the nude?

There's that saying: What goes around comes around. I hate to think what will happen to those who took advantage of her vulnerablility. One day, I hope they will learn -- the hard and painful way -- that people are to be respected and protected when vulnerable.

Thirdly, I can't believe what the Umno Youth members did to MP Karpal Singh! Intimidating him by ganging up and surrounding him outside Parliament House! My goodness! A gang of young men -- punks, rather -- picking a fight with an old man in a wheelchair! How low can some people sink? And, all that Khairy Jamaluddin could say was that there is "real, explosive anger" at the grassroots level? Is he giving his tacit approval to such thuggish behaviour or is he saying that he can't control his members? If the latter, then, why is he the leader? He should step down!

People may be upset by some of the things Karpal Singh says but deal with it through democratic means and according to the law. Not by taking the law into their own hands. This is yet another example of political swaggering that has come threateningly close to bodily harm. And, what has the police done about it? I would like to see what the police are going to do to.

All of Malaysia is clamouring for democracy, except -- it appears -- for a few who still want the old uneven playing field where they can flaunt their political might over the powerless and get away with it. God forbid they ever get into seats of government. What dread would befall this nation it they did! It would be a case of giving garlands to monkeys!

Anonymous Unmasked!

2009-02-24T16:00:00.000+08:00

Sam? My student, Sam? Oh, dear!

Sam, if a bird loves a fish, it is one of those "can't be" relationships. Don't waste you time on it! "Can't be" relationships just can't be. So, there's no point in hoping for a future in it. Leave it and move on. But, there is no rule on Earth which says that birds and fishes can't be friends. Step back a little and put some emotional distance between you and the other person and when you are up to it, just be a good friend.

If for whatever reason, you can't be lovers, then just be good friends!

Fishie, I love your comment and the way you said it! It's so fun! Sam, take Fishie's advice! Many of us have gone through this "can't be" relationships and not just survived but come through as better people, better in touch with our emotions. It is all part of discovering yourself and others! It shows what love you are capable of and gives you an opportunity to handle it well. When you handle it well, you mature.

So, don't worry! Be happy!

By the way, it's not a "waste" writing! I enjoy it. And, yes, Fishie, we have a date in Kampar!

By The Way, Anonymous .....

2009-02-23T15:27:00.000+08:00

I had a weekend of good rest. So, my head is clear and my thoughts gelled!

So, anonymous, I hope you are not the type who can only stop and stare and don't do anything else! Then, you can't blame the one you love for loving another, can you?

I don't know if this is the scenario with you. But, if a guy got close to the woman he loves, and then she said she has found another love, then, of course, it will hurt alot. But, you will know for sure, this is not the one for you and you will find closure. It may hurt but you will be able to move on and give yourself another chance. If you can't, then it is best to go for counselling.

But, if the guy doesn't do anything to draw close to the woman of his dreams, how is she to know what he feels or want? She may have waited and not getting any initiative from him, she may have responded to someone who did. She gave herself a chance because, maybe, the first guy didn't act!

Again, I don't know if this is the case with you. If it is, and you haven't already done it, it still isn't too late. Act, but act immediately.Take the risk and take steps -- big steps (small steps are for the unsure; big steps are taken by the confident and those sure of what they want) -- towards your love. Do all the things men do to get the woman they want. If her response is negative, you know for sure she is not the one for you. But, you would still have grown in emotional honesty and emotional integrity. The latter follows the former. You would have affirmed yourself as someone with honest feelings and the other as well. She will be affirmed to know that someone loves her and it would enhance her self-esteeem just as much as yours would be enhanced. And, you get closure and you will be ready to move on.

Surprisingly, if she responds positively, then, you have hit lottery! You get-the-woman-you-love! Now, how many men can boast of that? You'd be one of the elite!

For some reason, I am assuming, Anonymous, that you are a guy. If you are not, I think, the same could apply to a woman, as well.

Good luck! Enjoy The Chase!

Kenny! Kenny, you have resurfaced! Good to know that you do visit this blog. Yes, I look forward to seeing you in Kampar.

Kampar Visit

2009-02-20T15:36:00.000+08:00

I will be visiting the UTAR Kampar campus on March 16 to give a guest lecture at a foundation course class. I would be free from 11.30am to 5pm and I won't have anything to do during that time. So, I would love to meet some of my students who are now at the Kampar campus. I will be hanging loose at the canteen if I am not at somebody's PC surfing the Net!

I will give my contact number to Brian. So, please contact him to contact me!

Brian, please send me an email to marygp23@gmail.com and I will give you my contact number. Hope to see some of you soon!

Love Lost is Love Gained

2009-02-16T15:00:00.000+08:00

At last, Fishie, I hear from you! I was wondering what happened to you. Glad to know that you are busy and enjoying your subjects! And dating your assignments! Who knows who will come along with those assignments! Until then, yes, I like that, Happy Singles' Day!

By the way, Brian, what is your blog address? I keyword searched Brother Bear and got a long list of Brother Bears but no Brian! I am quite curious to read your Valentine's Day blog!

Thank you for your compliment, Anonymous, and, hmmmmm..... . That's a difficult question you asked! I am not God, you know! I don't have all the answers! Just know a thing or two from some experience!

But, it is a good point that you raised. What happens when you love someone and that person loves someone else? Sigh! That's one of the worst things that could happen to you! But, that's reality isn't it?

Now, what was it that that ancient philosopher, Socrates said? "It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all!"

We hope things work out the way we want to, but when they don't, then we should make some adjustments as we go along. If the one we love, loves another, I guess the best thing to do is to forget and move on. No point waiting for love that is lost. I think everyone knows that. But, the issue is how we move on.

Some look for a willing partner on the rebound. Others swing to the other extreme and swear never to love again. Most settle for the next good thing that comes along. And, why not? Second best is better than nothing at all!

The only problem is when you settle for second best, and then the really good happens -- then, you have to deal with complications. I guess that's reality: you have to deal -- as best as you can -- with the issues at hand to lessen the pain.

Heartbreak can kill all loving. But, we can't guard against heartbreak; we just have to learn how to deal with it in such a way that we are still able to love.

My Valentine's Day message to my students was to encourage them to seek good relationships so that hurt and pain are lessened. They are starting out and they need to know that good things are out there ahead of them. Yet, I am fully aware that reality can and will deal a heavy hand. In the midst of good, though, it would be easier to cope with the pains and struggles of life we call reality.

Ok, enough of philosophising! There's a lot of living to do!

I forgot to add a picture to my Valentine's Day message (still haven't had time to get a camera!). So, I got one online and have uploaded it here. Enjoy!

A Valentine for You, My Students -- When Love Comes Around

2009-02-13T16:29:00.000+08:00

My friend, Kimmie, who visits this blog, asked me if I was going to write a Valentine's Day article. Well .... I thought, no. You see, I have not exactly been lucky in love. I get a great deal of unsolicited attention, most of it unwanted, but love? That has always eluded me! I figured if a man really loves me, he won't let me go. If he did, he is not worth holding on to. I let him go. (So, now you know why I am still single!)

Until recently. Then, I realised what I was missing. Now, I hope, again! And, I thought, maybe, I should write about love, after all! So, here's my piece. It is dedicated to all my students who endured through my classes!

Love is a wonderful thing, isn't it? But, you know, as we go chasing after it, we must make sure we don't equate it with sex or compatibility or companionship. The latter three are easy to get but to find love? That's a bit hard.

And, I have often wondered why? I think I have found the answer!

It all boils down to being unable to relate. When you can't relate, then, you can't communicate love. If you can't communicate love, you can't give it and someone or some people somewhere will go not having received it. Since they didn't receive it, they, themselves would be unable to give it, nor know how to receive it. And the cycle repeats.

Isn't that what happens when parents don't love their children? When brothers and sisters don't love each other. When husbands and wives don't love each other?

What happens? There is a lot of estrangement around. People can't relate and so don't connect. They become alone, isolated, dysfunctional beings deprived and starved of love, struggling and striving to give and receive love and somehow not getting it right.

What do you do when you are in that state? You have no choice but to seek alternatives. You can't connect, but in sex you find some semblance of a connection. You can't or don't want to connect emotionally, so you engage in casual sex. You think it is time to get married and haven't found a partner and you look for someone who is compatible, companiable and with whom you can have sex, and you settle down. Is there love in all of this? Yes, in some way. But, deep down you know it is not love as you really want it. But, you have made the choice.

Then, one day, you meet someone and love just happens and you realise what you have missed all along. But, it is too late because you are already committed to someone else. Or, because you didn't know how to relate and receive and give love, you didn't know how to handle love when it came to you. And, then, you have to consider separation and divorce. It is all very messy, isn't it? And, painful!

Wouldn't it be better to relate with the people around you as friends, and, when love happens you are free to enjoy it fully and freely? Even in such cases, sometimes, the relationships can't be because of specific irreconciliable differences, and both parties have to go their separate ways. It is sad but you have good memories of that person. You remember him or her with great fondness and will be thankful that there was no abuse of any sort. You leave the relationship enriched not deprived and better prepared for the real thing when it happens again and when it can be enjoyed.

On Valentine's Day today, that is what I want to wish for all of you whom I have taught. You are all at that age where you are discovering yourselves and others in terms of your feelings for them. I think it is a fantastic time to explore and discover. But, enjoy it through good friendships.

Don't look for sex, don't look for partners for the sake of having partners. Look for friends, good friends and relate with them with affection and respect. One day, you will find someone with whom love happens, and you will not regret!

For some, that day might come soon. For others, it might come later. And, for a few of you -- like me -- it may not come until after a very long time! But, don't despair. Live your life and build good abuse-free relationships because when love comes -- and, it will come when you are ready for it -- you will not regret! And, you will be thankful that you waited and didn't settle for second-best!

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy happy relating with one another!

Give me your comments! I would love to hear from you on this subject!

Settling in

2009-02-11T15:53:00.000+08:00

Kai Fu hitting it off with the lecturers? Really? Hmmmmmmm....... !!

So, you have settled into your programme, Brian? Or, still leaving your options open? It's good to explore and then settle on one area that you want to specialize in. I think things have a way of working out by themselves -- as we try out different things to find resolution!

By the way -- I thought I won't but now I think I will -- I will be writing a piece on Valentine's Day which will be posted on Friday. Please tell everyone about it because it is dedicated to all my students! But, oh, don't be disappointed if it doesn't turn out as expected!

Go Through Mum to Get Around Dad!

2009-02-05T14:31:00.001+08:00

Mothers are wonderful, aren't they? Fathers (also wonderful -- in a different sort of way!) always want what is best for their children, especially their sons. They impose manly expectations on their sons, often subsuming their feelings and real interests for the greater good of "what is best for a man"! But, moms? They hear how their children's hearts are beating, don't they, Brian?

Looks like mum helped you work things out! That's a good strategy: go through mum! I have a suggestion but I don't know if it will help you, but it is worth thinking about. If there are electives in your degree programme, why not take those that are related to psychology and excel in them? You will be proving to your father that your interest is backed by good performance as well. And, he may realise that you have the determination to carve a future in that field! What do you think?

Tell Kai Fu the same thing. Switching to Business Administration is fine but if you don't have an area of specialization, once you graduate, you may have to start as a salesman first. Is he prepared to do that? If he has a specialization, like finance or economics (I think he will be good in either if he can get interested in them!), he could get a good position in the banking/finance system and through it -- with experience -- move anywhere in the world! I think he would fit into a life like that.

And, please tell him to stop skipping classes; he is ruining his reputation, after a 4GPA!

By the way, what did you mean by "If I fail 1/2" and "XD"? The jargon is beyond me!

Hi! Shan Shan and Wee Shing!

2009-02-05T14:18:00.000+08:00

Same to you, Shan Shan and Wee Shing! Nice to have you visiting my blog! Do visit and give your comments. Wee Shing, couldn't quite figure you out from your picture as it was a bit dark. Do you have a brighter pic of you? Then, I'll have a face to the name!

Shan Shan, enjoying Chinese New Year with slides? That's killing two birds with one stone! You had one week to enjoy and another to mug, didn't you? I am sure you made good use of your time! Anyway, exam's tomorrow. Do your best; you'll do fine!

Happy Chinese New Year!

2009-01-23T15:35:00.000+08:00

For all who will be celebrating the ushering in of the Chinese New Year of the Ox, have a great time with family, relatives and friends! Drive safely, don't drink too much, let bygones be bygones and start anew again! If you collect a lot of ang pow, enjoy it but think of those who don't have that much and do share a little!

Happy Chinese New Year!

Engish or Not?

2009-01-22T15:06:00.000+08:00

Hi, Brian! First week in the programme and stressed out already?! Boy, that must be one tough course! Sheena's major is English? I didn't know that. How is Kai Fu managing? Does he feel the same way, too?

Some of your terms are quite foreign to me -- semantic noise! By "comp" I guess you mean "competition"? And, what do you mean by "accent English"? You mean they speak perfect British English?

BTW, who was first in English scores here in PJ?

Since you are already a counsellor and are interested in Psychology, that might be a better field to go into. And, if your coursemates speak excellent English, why is that a problem for you? You speak and write good English yourself! One of the ways to improve is to mix with people who are as good if not better than yourself. If you can handle the competition, you end up being just as good if not better! But, if you can't handle the competition, then it is better for you to find alternatives.

Think carefully before you decide. But, I think you will make the right decision. Keep me posted!

Mid-Year Get-Together

2009-01-12T14:22:00.001+08:00

That sounds like a good idea, Brian! Ok, let's meet up mid-year. I think you will be able to get my UTAR email address to contact me. If you can't, just get it from Agnes and send me an email. I would rather communicate with you all via email rather than the blog because some of you don't read my blog!

When the semester starts, I know you will all be busy, and I wouldn't want to distract you. So, a mid-year get-together will be great! I will leave it to you, Brian, to get in touch with the others and organise this! Thanks for wanting to do this, Brian.

See you all soon!

Well Done and Best Wishes!

2009-01-09T18:37:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, congratulations, Wong Kai Fu, for getting a GPA of 4! I am so glad to know that you are back in focus and able to do your best. I always believed you had it in you! I hope there will be many more semesters with a GPA of 4 or close to that so that your CGPA for your degree will be a 4 or near it! And, I hope it will get you a scholarship and encourage you to give your best to be the full measure of the person you are!

Ah, Fishie, running away from parents, huh? Don't do anything in Kampar that you would want to hide from your own children later on! But, enjoy the freedom to build good memories! Me, going to Kampar? For the moment, unlikely. But, who knows about the future!

What a pity I couldn't see you all before you left for Kampar. I know it was too late to plan for a get-together. But, never mind, do drop me a line by leaving a comment in my blog or send me an email. Infact, it would be better if you send me an email so that I can save your email addresses. And, when you come back to KL, visit me at PD block if you can. It would be nice to see you all one of these days. Keep in touch.

Until then, study hard, play, too and carpe diem!

Recognise the Symptoms

2009-01-07T11:31:00.000+08:00

Jeff, your comments are so fun! Kenny, I hope his comments help you. By the way, for your information, Jeff was headboy when we were in Sixth Form. And, we still keep in touch -- with a few others, too!

Anonymous is right. You need to know that the problem is depression before you can get help. Often, the depression sufferer won't know what he or she is going through. It helps a great deal if someone close recognises the symptoms and helps him or her to get help. That person must persist until the depression sufferer agrees to get help and, perhaps, even take the person to the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist for the necessary help.

The symptoms vary depending on the degree of depression. Generally, they are a sadness that just won't go away, loss of interest or pleasure, overwhelming fear or helplessness, anxiety etc, etc, weight loss or weight gain, memory issues, tiredness and a whole lot of other symptoms. There are many websites that give information on depression, the symptoms and how to identify it. This is one website which gives a comprehensive explanation: http://www.iampanicked.com/anxiety-articles/symptoms-of-depression.htm

Generally, you feel these things which disable you from fully doing all the things a non-depression sufferer will do. In my case, I took on jobs that were under my capacity until I was able to cope.

Thank You, Again

2009-01-05T12:36:00.000+08:00

Thank you all of you for your comments. Michelle, good to know that you still read my blog although you left the boys and are now in another college. The boys are still being "the boys"! Maybe, you would like to join us, too, over coffee?

And, Kimmie, thanks again for your wonderful comments. It is all of you who make this blog count and encourage me to keep on writing!

The Message Is: Get Help and LIVE!

2009-01-05T11:44:00.000+08:00

Depression is an illness and like all illnesses we should get medical treatment to get better. That is the point of my previous article: If you are a depression sufferer, get help because with help you can still live a good life. THAT is my point: Get help and LIVE -- to the fullest!

I lived because I got help, unasked. The reason I didn't ask for help wasn't because I didn't need it. Nor because I thought, "Yes, I am suffering from depression but God will heal me!" No, I am not stupid! If for a simple bout of flu, I seek medical help, you can be sure that for something such as depression, I would have sought help. I would have prayed and got help! I didn't seek help because I didn't know that the problem was depression. I didn't know what was going on then because I was a mess!

I thought that the underlying problems were faith-related. You see, during that time, I had lost faith. I didn't believe. But, for some reason, I could not reject Jesus Christ because He lived and was a historical person. I figured that if He really is God He would have to show that to me through my human understanding, faulty though the latter is! And, I started to read the Bible to know what I could know. As I did that, a peculiar thing happened. I found out that when I approached the Bible from a position of rational thought, my internal stress remained. But, when I approached by faith and not rational thought my internal stress reduced.

Of course, my survival instincts intuitively told me to opt for the less stressful course which was to believe the Bible by faith, Consequently I found I was getting better. So, I exercised faith and got better day by day!

It was only much later when I realised that the problem was depression that I went to see a psychiatrist to confirm it. He said yes, it was depression but that the worst was over. It was then that I was overcome with overwhelming gratitude for what God had done. I thought I was addressing faith issues but through it I got the help I needed to get through depression. Only God could have done that. That was when I realised that He showed me who He really is. I am eternally grateful for what He has done and make no apologies for what I believe. This was my journey of faith. I didn't plan it; it happened the way it did.

Even then, I got medical help. I was on medication for a month and didn't have to go back again. By faith I was able to confront the demons of my past and booted them out. No more haunting from the past! That is how it has been since then!

The point I want to make now is simply this: If you are a depression sufferer get help. Infact, get all the help you can. I think depression is more prevalent than people are willing to admit. Instead of suffering quietly, get help and live. That is the point: Get all the help you can -- spiritual, emotional, physical and medical -- and live to the fullest!

Having said that, I want to add here that although I hate saying "goodbye", I do say them! Infact, some goodbyes are final and necessary. If someone close to you passes away or a bad relationship has to come to an end, it is better to say goodbye. As is normal, I hurt, but I recover. I let go and move on.

So, my dear Fishie, why be miserable? You are just going four hours north to Kampar! That is not "goodbye". That is: "Go, go. Do your thing and live it up! And, occasionally drop me a note about how you are." Keep in touch!

You know, some of my Form Six mates and our English Literature lecturer with whom we got on fabulously still keep in touch. When we were starting out on our careers we didn't have time to meet up. But, now that we are established and have more time on our hands, we meet up, like once a year, always around Christmas and it is fun. We are good company!

So, we can do the same, too. Why don't we meet up over coffee before you go off to Kampar? Get some of the others to join us -- like Agnes, Raagi, Raga (if his train from Kajang will come on time!), Kai Fu (especially, him!), Meng Leong, Brian and some of the others. I would like to see you all before you go off. We could meet at SP Corner or at any other place you like. Could you get in touch with them and organise it, Fishie? Agnes has my email so you can contact me immediately and I can give you my new phone number. I know it is a bit rushed but we could still make it. I would be free on Tues after 2, Wed after 4, Thurs after 3 and Fri after 4pm.

Shall we get together? I still am waiting for Kai Fu to buy me coffee under the banana tree!

That Final Goodbye and Hello, 2009, and Beyond

2008-12-30T17:39:00.000+08:00

I am at a very happy place now....... .

But, I never forget where I have been. I don't forget those dark dreadful desolate days when you had barely enough will to make it through the day. When you summoned every iota of strength to just stay afloat -- emotionally. When it was one long melancholic night. When awful sadness was your constant companion. When slight stress threw you off your balance. When you had no energy to think of anything or anybody else except yourself because you were fighting to stay alive.

And, when you had to deal with loss all the time. I lost everyone close to me -- family members, relatives, friends, boyfriends -- in one way or another, through death, separation or plain parting of ways. I tripped every time it happened, and sank into that gut-ripping anguishing ache that took years from which to get out.

I lost a crucial part of my life to depression, during which time I could not sustain a relationship. There were many goodbyes then, and with each, I slipped back and relapsed. After a while, I just gave up trying to start a relationship.

But the point I want to make now is this: All that is far behind me because I healed. I healed! When I was going through all that I didn't know it was depression and that it was an illness that could be treated. I only knew the pain I was going through and did the only thing I knew to get better: I turned to God. I read the Bible and as I understood -- not by rational thought but by faith -- I acted accordingly. And, I got better. Each day got better.

There was no professional help and no medicine to alleviate the pain. Just simple steps of faith.

It was a long and arduous journey. Sometimes, I feel like I had hacked my way through some emotional Jurassic jungle. I have often wondered why I didn't lose my way and perish. I have no answer except that I called on the Name of God and He saved me. Trite though it may sound, it is the truth. I am eternally grateful to Him for saving me and no matter what doubts modern intellectuals cast on the existence of God, I know -- from the depths of my being -- I know, He exists because He helped me.

And, I came out of my depression. I know what it is like although I am unable to go back there anymore. I am completely healed. I no longer sink to those horrible damned depths. That downward route has simply vanished. My depression is history.

Now? Now, I am at a very good place. Emotionally stable and secure, my self-esteem restored. I am discovering myself and the things that I had shut out, again. I love what I am doing and looking forward to possibilities. The past is mostly forgotten. Once in a while, though, something will jolt it back into memory, like when I read Asohan's article and, then, I want to tell all the depression sufferers: Hang on in there; there's light at the end of the tunnel. I healed and came out of it. So, have countless others all over the world. And, so can you.

And, so can you, Asohan! This is the hope I want to give you: the light is ahead and you can reach it. So, Asohan, I am wishing that the new year will be full of hope for you -- that you will live to a ripe old age, see your daughters grow up and get married and have children and see your grand-children and, perhaps, even your great grandchildren. Because you are their history. And, I am wishing that their history will encourage them to live as fully as you will.

I am poised to seize everything life has to offer me. Some people say I may be getting old for that. They say that I should have done these things when I was younger. But when I was younger I couldn't. They say that only because they do not know what I know and where I have been. I am not going to waste time nor be constrained by the small-mindedness of people who do not know.

When I realised that I had lost a good part of my life to depression, I asked God to give me back the years I lost. Maybe, He is doing just that. Besides, why should we let age -- just a number -- define how we are to live? I think everyone at whatever age should get the better of whatever life throws at them. If we can get on top of it, we will be enriched by the experience and grow. If we can't handle it then it is best not to venture into it because you will only be making a spectacle of yourself and remain "ungrowing" -- if there is such a word!

My students exclaim incredulously that I look very young. I tell them: "It's a gift from God." It reminds me that, maybe, He is answering my prayers. That I have been given the chance to live again and enjoy all the things that I missed, especially the joys of relationships.

Because of my past, I have been so scared of losing people who get close to me that I have given up saying "hello!" for fear of saying "goodbye". I mean, the worst thing you can do to me is to say "goodbye" or exit without saying anything.

Well, this article is my last and final goodbye to that subterranean unexpressed fear that was exposed in the last moments of Christmas service. (By the way, this type of illumination is a very common Christian experience during services and prayer time. We call it divine illumination/revelation/intervention because when we act on it, things happen!)

From now on, I am going to affirm every good thing -- and every good relationship -- that comes my way. I am not going to say "goodbye", unless it is for a while only. From a temporary goodbye, another kind of hello can begin.

So, goodbye to goodbyes. My hellos have begun!

I have dedicated this article to you, Asohan, to let you know that you are not alone and that there are people rooting for you -- even strangers. And, I am hoping that those of you who read this article will pass the word around to those groping in the dark: There is light at the end of the tunnel, even when the tunnel seems neverending. There IS light. Believe it.

So, here's to you, Asohan, and us, and everyone else who has suffered estrangement of one sort or another. Not just to the survivors, but to us who will live. Here's to Life!

A Happy New Year and to a full life!

"Hello, everyone! And, helloooooooooooooooo............ 2009!
"Welcome!"

Happy Christmas Opens Up Something New For The Future

2008-12-30T14:32:00.000+08:00

Ha, two new friends have sent me Christmas greetings! Fishie and Zhen! Zhen, you must be the "Zhen" from TC1! My Christmas turned out to be a happy family affair, tinged oh! so slightly by the fact that the new friends I made this year didn't send me any Christmas greetings! Except for Fishie and Zhen. Well, folks? What's happening? Can't wish a gal a happy Christmas greeting?! Don't want to keep in touch?

And, O, Kimmie, yes, what a glaring mistake! And, in the headline, too! That was an error. I have corrected it. The word should be spelt as I have corrected it now. There is no "n" before the "m". As for the "hottie"? Hmmmm.... maybe he will reply!

While Christmas turned out to be a happy affair, a couple of things happend that will determine how I am going to welcome 2009.

First, I caught up on sleep -- or, still catching up! But, sitting through the Christmas service, trying not to doze off, somewhere at the end, a very clear thought came to my mind: I should affirm the relationships God is giving me. My mind immediately woke up. I thought to myself: You mean I don't affirm the relationships that come my way? I wondered about it.

The Sunday after, I was reading Starmag when a heading caught my attention: Suicide diaries. It was an article written by a former colleague, A. Asohan, in his column, Stray Thoughts. He wrote about depression and whether jailing someone -- particularly a 16-year-old who had attempted suicide -- was really the solution to the problem. He shared some of his own experiences of suffering from depression and concluded that "we've got to remove the stigma from mental health problems and realise that many people need professional help these days, and there's nothing wrong with seeing a psychologist or psychiartrist to get it".

I couldn't agree with him more and my mind went back to those dark distant days when I battled depression on my own ...... .

Tomorrow: That Final Goodbye and Hello, 2009, and Beyond

The Silence is Deafening!

2008-12-22T14:16:00.000+08:00

Folks! I have not received even one photograph! Don't I have readers who take pictures? O, dear, maybe I don't have enough readers! OK, ok. Take your time and get pictures. Send them to me when you can!

I am waiting in anticipation for your photographs!

By the way, Fishie, I am "cute"? I hope that is a compliment! And, Kenny, that was a good comment you wrote. And, if you want to be an American, please be one. Go chase after your dream. Better to dream and go for it than not to dream and be in a rut!

Rush Takes The Song Out Of Christmas!

2008-12-16T15:10:00.000+08:00

December is my favourite month. When I was working as a journalist with The Star first and later The SUN, when December came, I would lightfoot into office with a skip in my steps and a carol on my lips. Christmas times a'coming, Christmas times a'coming. Lord, I'm going on leave! (In the actual song, the last line reads as Lord, I'm going home!)

My colleagues would get irritated at my unrestrained happiness because they had to bury their heads in their work and all that stress. But, I, I would be happy because that was when I would go on looonng leave while they held the fort! It was a very fair arrangement because at Chinese New Year, Hari Raya and Deepavali, I held the fort while they went on leave. But, at Christmas, I didn't care who was working as long as I could go on leave! And, so, I would book my leave well in advance.

So, when Christmas came around, I would be in high spirits. Christmas times a'coming, Christmas times a'coming. Lord, I'm going on leave! God bless you merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay ... ! Invariably, my colleagues would snort and snigger.

"O God, there she goes again. "
"Hey, we are working!"
"O, no! She can't be stopped!"

Do you hear what I hear? Said the little boy to the mighty king. I love December, the Christmas season. I enjoy the preparations, buying gifts for the little relatives and some old ones, too! Putting up the Christmas tree. Sprucing up my house, changing the curtains and cushion covers and adding the little Christmassy touches here and there. A poinsetia plant here. A bunch of flowers over there. Red table decor with fragrant candles.

Those days I used to sing in the Christmas specials my church used to organise. It was hectic but fun planning, practising and rehearsing for the big presentation. Then, on Christmas day, after service we would go off and have a nice meal somewhere.

Sometimes, I would have Christmas lunch or dinner and have friends over. Or, if I got too tired from all the running around, I would take a leisurely drive to my brother's place in Seremban on Christmas day because food would be served at the appropriate times there! And, of course, family would be around.

But, ever since I started teaching, Christmas has become a distressingly hurried affair. I teach during the semester that runs through the season. And, because of the several public holidays we have during this semester, most of the free time is taken doing replacement classes, especially in December. So, I don't have time to do all the things I enjoy doing in the runup to Christmas.

I am so rushed that I can't sing at Christmas anymore!

But, my students made Christmas day memorable. At the stroke of midnight, I got a stream of smses from my students wishing me "A Merry Christmas!" in the last two years I have been teaching.

This semester, however, the schedule got worse! I got a timetable that stresses me out because I have to wake up early and fight through the long morning jam to get to 8am classes on time three to four days a week! I have three 8am sessions one after another -- 8am on Tues, 8.30am on Tues and 8am on Thurs. And, I am not an early riser. I can stay up late but NOT get up early. And, if that wasn't bad enough, three of my replacement classes can only be held at 8am on three Fridays in December! Aaaarggghhh!

To make matters worse, my handbag got snatched on Nov 24 or was it Dec 1? I wasn't hurt. The thief opened the front passenger side door of my car and grabbed my bag. I was parked outside the SP Corner near my campus where I had gone for a cup of tea after a tutorial. Thank God I wasn't hurt.

Losing my bag and all my documents and about RM1,000 worth of digital camera and handphone were not as traumatic as running around replacing my cards and other documents. I finally got all that done and now I hang on to my handbag like dear life! It was emotionally draining.

And, it didn't help to know that some friends whom I had looked forward to seeing I may not see again. I thought by now I would get used to goodbyes. I guess I thought wrong.

I took some time to settle down. Today the schedule eased somewhat. So, I have started to write!

I still haven't finished my Christmas chores. But, I am making the celebrations very simple this year. The house is spruced up, but there will be no entertaining. I will cook a simple dinner for my brother who will be coming down. And, the next day, I will be heading to Seremban where I usually go when I don't have anything on in KL!

So, folks, that was the reason for the delay in updating warriorrose. But, I am back -- minus my camera. So, maybe, you can help me. Perhaps you could get some good pictures on Christmas here in Malaysia and email them to me at marygp23@gmail.com Please send the pix in JPEG files by or on Dec 23 so that I can upload them before Christmas. If you would like to write something about the pictures, feel free to do so. If you are my students, you should have no problems as I did teach you how to write caption stories!

But, of course, I reserve the right to publishing the pictures or the captions! Do, help out! And, looking forward to hearing from you!

To Dream Again -- The Obama Phenomenon

2008-11-20T17:32:00.000+08:00

It looks like everyone who was all fired up and ready to go is all tired out! Obamamania has somewhat died down. While US President-Elect Barack Obama is busy putting together his team, the rest are recovering from the heady experience of electing the first African-American to the world's highest and most influential office.

Since he has already been elected, the world has to wait to see if he can lead and govern. Evidently, Americans are optimistic -- if you go by their votes. But, many are equally un-ecstatic! I asked some of my American friends for their opinions. Two replied, with differing views. Below are excerpts of what they said.

"American voters are shallow and most have no substance or don't know enough about the issues. They are more interested in rockstar wannabes. Granted the guy inspired a bunch of minorities to vote. But understand this fact ... the voter turnout rate while much higher than the average of 60% reached at most 65 - 67%. To be sure roughly33 - 35% of this went to Obama...that is about 1/3 of ALL registered voters. Is this a mandate? ....

" .... never in history has a man gotten the top job with so little experience using so much rhetoric...style over substance. I only question what message it sends...that you don't need to pay your dues, really service your country and get experience to get the top job...just play a good game... but can you govern? Say you are in a traumatic accident and you are facing a fresh doctor and one with 30 yrs experience who will operate on you. Who will you pick? Once again the morality of the American people is questioned ... there is no room for integrity, service to the nation, character, age and experience. Just do a nice song and dance. Feckless. Vacuous. Pubescent. That's the American psyche."

Jeffrey Lim (pictured above in his office), a Malaysian, is now an American citizen. He lives in San Francisco, managing a successful landscape design business. He describes himself as a "fiscal conservative and a social moderate" and he articulates what, I believe, are real issues that were swept aside by Obamamania.

The Mood For Change

2008-11-20T17:30:00.000+08:00

Below is a short but pertinent extract from another American, a born-and-bred-in-America woman who had spent several years abroad. Ellen Broughton was a good friend when I studied in the States and will never forget the memorable graduation party she organised for me and my friends on graduation day. She has three very personable sons and the picture above shows the most recent picture of her with her youngest, Greg, in his dormitory at the University of Colarado where he is doing his undergraduate degree in engineering.

Ellen says: "I did vote for Obama. Thought he was the best of the two. We maybe need the Democratic party to do something new but it probably won't change much. And in 8 years, we will be ready for the Republicans again because we think the Democrats didn't do much. Ha!"

Ellen touches on what I feel is the reason Obama won the US elections: People are tired of the old tried and tested ways and want a refreshing change. The mood is for change -- even if it means a period of instability. It is a mood we can sense in our own country. The March 8 election is a case in point, when the electorate severely clipped the wings of the ruling Barisan Nasional (National Front) government.

We want the wrongs to be recognised so that they could be righted, while we enjoy what was achieved so far.

We want to go beyond where we have arrived -- not to discard those "old, tried and tested ways". They were, no doubt, successful. We see these successes all around us. But, these successes were obtained at a cost. And, people, no longer want to pay the price to sustain those successes. We want the successes and we want all those other issues that were sacrificed, neglected, ignored and relegated to secondary importance to take centrestage.

We want a new hope and, hopefully, a new order which is more just and fair and which creates opportunities to realise dreams we never dreamt we could dream.

Barack Obama inspired millions to dream again. He kindled the flicker of hope in millions who wanted to believe what could not, could be, but dared not, because the "old and tried ways" gave no expression to their voice. He affirmed that voice and worldwide we heard it: Change we need. Change we did.

Now, we wait to see if change will really happen. If it doesn't, as Ellen put it, the Republicans will be back in the White House and the old status quo returns. But, at least, a chance would have been given for change.

Franky, I, too, am in the mood for change. It would be nice for the BN (Barisan Nasional) government to be thrown out -- for just once -- and a new leadership installed. The new leaders would most likely come from the old guard in the Pakatan Rakyat. Let them be in power for two terms during which time they should train the next generation of leaders in the art of clean government.

During that time, Umno and its partners in the BN had better clean up their act and train a new crop of good leaders uncorrupted by the old ways.

Then, we, the people, will once again have the chance to vote for the people who can help us start afresh to dream again.

Do You Love Your Country?

2008-11-04T12:38:00.000+08:00

Brian brought up an issue that is really telling. I don't think his parents are among the minority who are advising their children to go abroad and adding, "never come back"! Most parents are giving their children the same advice.

But these parents are NOT mostly Malays; they are mostly non-Malay parents, the first, second or third generation Malaysians of immigrants. They look at what is going in the country and they do not see a future for their children. And their advice is to jump the ship! The grass is greener elsewhere. And, it might be.

On the other hand, Malay parents are not giving their children similar advice. If they do, they form only a negligible minority. The majority of Malay parents want their children to seize all the opportunities that come their way and make the best of it. Of course, things are easier for them because of affirmative action in their favour.

But, even among them, the competition is stiff. The struggle is equally intense for the quota of opportunities allocated to Malays. Yet, their parents do not tell their children to jump ship. Why?
I think the answer will reveal just how "Malaysian" we are. If we were true-blue Malaysians, no matter how bad the situation is in the country, we would not have an exit strategy. At the back of our mind, we would not be saying, "Well, if we are not treated well here, we'll just leave!"

We won't jump ship, simply because we would be so deeply emotionally bonded with this soil that there would be no other country that can take her place. Malaysia is home. That bond would be so deeply etched in our psyche that the thought wouldn't even cross our minds. Instead, the question would be: Where would we go? This is our home!

But, how many of us non-Malays really feel this way about Malaysia? The non-Malay Malaysian truly has an immigrant mentality: when things get rough, hop onto the next plane and fly out! And, we live here without putting out deep roots that settles us. Instead, we try to make as much money as we can, putting aside money so that at any time we can always pack our bags, and buy a ticket to fly us out!

Why don't we stay put and fight for what is legitimately our citizenship rights? Why don't we drive an immovable stake in this country and make it truly ours? Yes, no doubt, it is tough. At every turn, we are curbed and intimidated. But, why don't we say, "This is my country. I am going to fight for what is rightfully mine. I am going to stand up and be counted. I am going to insist that I get what I need to be an equal in this country. And, I am going to do it without violence but by simply using my vote!"

Why don't we play an active part in the electoral process so that our requests are heard and answers delivered. Why don't we fight to be recognised as equal Malaysians, walking shoulder to shoulder with everyone without the spectre of racial discrimination? Why don't we invest in this country and develop it as our own beloved home?

Why don't we?

When more and more non-Malay Malaysians feel this way, I think it will eventually erode the racial divide. We will begin to think Malaysian, not Malay or non-Malay. Then, perhaps, this country will be able to harness the strengths inherent in our multi-cultural society and build a truly united and progressive society that will be the envy of all!

Now, wouldn't that be something to work towards?

The Real Underlying Reason Behind Extreme Government Action

2008-10-24T17:23:00.000+08:00

Whenever the government takes extreme actions such as bundling people off to Kamunting under the ISA or banning organisations seeking the human right to assemble, I wonder if the underlying reason is a bunch of very vociferous government supporters.

Analysts can give a list of arguments for or against the action but I suspect the real reason is that these supporters raise such a ruckus of a hue and cry, that government leaders, notably top Umno leaders, have no choice but to give in to their demands. If they didn't, their own positions might be at risk.

So, it was not surprising that the government took a few days after the Prime Minister's Hari Raya open house before it decided to ban Hindraf for attending the open house to advance their cause. It took the leaders a couple of days to take in the ear-bashing they probably got. And then they decided, they had better act on it before they lose support and be thrown out in the next party elections!

It was a couple of days after the open house when Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak came out with his hard-hitting comments on the Hindraf presence at the open house. Calling them "biadab" (rude), with the strongest emotions, he said that "we" would not tolerate such behaviour.

This was followed by Home Minister Datuk Seri Syed Hamid's explanation for banning Hindraf. He said the government considered all aspects before banning Hindraf, adding that there had been calls from certain quarters who wanted immediate action.

That proves my point! Who are these "certain quarters" and why are they more important than public opinion?

The answer is simple. These are the very vocal Malay -- mostly Umno, I think -- supporters who -- very loudly --make an issue of what they describe as non-Malay ingratitude. They see Hindraf's action as just that. What they want to see is non-Malays knocking their heads on the ground as they walk past them. They can't bear to see non-Malays rise up to assert themselves as equals, walking shoulder to shoulder with everyone else.

When these "certain quarters" get upset -- for reasons which sometimes are beyond my understanding -- others had better back off because you just never know what they might do. So, it was not surprising that Umno leaders quickly backtracked and took "immediate action" and banned Hindraf.

If they didn't, who knows what might have happened. The leaders, definitely, would have lost the support that put them in the leadership positions in the first place. So, between risking the wrath of these "certain quarters" and their own leadership positions, and banning Hindraf, of course, the latter was a better and "softer" course of action.

Quite apparently, Umno leaders are unable to appease these "certain quarters". And that is the truth of the state of Umno Malay politics. The leaders have lost control of their base support. Some of these "certain quarters" could be a lot of people -- not necessarily Umno members -- out there somewhere who, when incensed, can resort to irreversibly regrettable actions.

Before they take things in their own hands, it might be better -- for the sake of "national security" -- to nip the crisis in the bud by packing off the more manageable of the problem-makers. In this case, between the "certain quarters" and Hindraf, the latter would be the lesser of the problems.

This, I believe, is the reason why the ISA is still used and legitimate organisations are banned. There are "certain quarters" -- everyone knows some of them are in Umno and others out of it -- who cannot be managed and controlled. To pacify them, other Malaysians must suffer.

This seemingly gross injustice will not end, not until these "certain quarters" are taught to magnanimously accept fellow Malaysians as equals. Only Umno can teach them that. Until they do, this "certain quarters" will be the unseen hand which will keep non-Malays as second-class citizens subserviently in check.

Rumour-mongering

2008-10-16T10:17:00.000+08:00

Now, tell me, Brian, whoever started this rumour that I was going to the UTAR Kampar campus to teach English on the degree programme? Some people seem to see things that are not there! My degree is not in English and I don't have a Master's to teach on the degree programme. So, this rumour is just a rumour. Infact, it has been competely cooked up! There is absolutely not even an iota of truth in it!

But, I am glad you asked me directly about it. At least, you get the correct picture. I like city life. I am not going anywhere -- at least, for the moment.

By the way, are Brian and Fish the only ones who read my blog? O dear! Yet, I have about 290 profile views. Surely more people are reading? If you are, do drop in a comment once in a while. If you prefer to comment via email, then send your comments or questions to my following email: marygp23@gmail.com

In your email, indicate if you wouldn't mind if I published your comment, questions or content or parts of it and my response in my blog. If you do mind, I will respond via email. If I don't respond, it would be because it is mail I trash. If your comments or questions are sincere and legitimate, you can be sure of a response.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

These conversational posts will more or less end now. The proper posts will resume from next week. I hope it will include readers' comments and questions as well!

Personal Journeys

2008-10-15T11:39:00.000+08:00

Hmmmmm! I read both your blogs, Brian and Fishie. And they are both good. Fishie could write a book on anime later on. Brian's is quite communal with some nice pix. Like they way you positioned your pix. You should teach me some day! You have a number up there, too, Brian. What does it mean? You have that many hits? Wow! Mine's nothing in comparision! Keep it up, both of you! They are both good diaries! They give me a glimpse of the kind of people you are.

That's what makes blogs so interesting. They are personal histories or personal journeys. We are all journeying, aren't we?

And, thanks, Fishie, about how to do the links. I will do that once I get some time and feel a bit more settled to try this "new thing". Will start on it after I have settled into the new semester.

Have some thoughts. Will write on it this Thursday.

May 2008 Writing for Mass Communication batch! Well Done!

2008-10-09T17:09:00.000+08:00

Brian, Brian! A- is good! Your batch gave the best results so far. Your average was about the same as previous groups but only because most of you didn't do too well in Question 2. And, you are not entirely to be blamed for that because this was the first time I included filling in the blanks questions that tested for knowledge of mass communications jargon and you may not have been sufficiently prepared for what to expect despite me telling you all to learn off things by heart. You had to understand and know the terms precisely.

Yet, none of you failed. And, even better, the majority of you got into the B grade which says quite a bit about yourselves! Previously, the students were more or less equally distributed across the grades. But, this trimester, most of you got into the B-grade. That means you have proven to yourselves that you are capable of bettering yourselves! You all did very well! Congratulations!

Writing for Mass Communications is not an easy course. You need to understand content and have a good grasp of language in order to express yourselves. Yet, despite a difficult question in the exam, you maintained the course average!

If you want to know your true grades, just add about 5 - 10 marks to your final exam total and that will accurately reflect what all of you are capable of! All of you did very well. I am very proud of you! You have now set the bar and are a hard act to follow!

Don't worry too much about your grades. Remember this is only the foundation course where you learn to handle new things. If you can better your average in foundation, just think what you can achieve in your degree?! Be confident of what you are capable of and do better every next time!

You did well! Go, celebrate!

Comments on Comments!

2008-10-06T14:28:00.000+08:00

Hey, that's cheating! Three of the comments by the same person -- Brother Bear!

Glad you are getting over the heartbreak. Being in a murderous mood is fine, but, please -- for everyone's sake -- don't express it!

I tried to get into your blog but for some reason couldn't. Why don't you and Fishie spell out your blog addresses. I will read it and comment. There must be some way we can read each other's blog from this blog. Any of you know how to do the link-up? If you do, please help out! You know what a dud I am when it comes to technical and mechanical things!

Just read your comments, Fishie. Good points of view. Well, Brian, if Fishie thinks you are strong, then, you are OK. She knows you better than I do. Ya, my blog suddenly turned into a counselling board -- but, just to help Brian out! But, he seems to be OK.

Well, Brian, you have to get used to people lining up to be with her. There are a lot of other fish in the sea. And you have the same chances -- and choices -- she has!

Love your comments, Fishie. I tend to agree with you -- our politics is geting smellier by the day!

By the way, there must be three different comments by three different people on Kenny's comment before I will give my analysis! That's the deal! So, hurry up with the comments!

Shinigami San!

2008-10-03T15:02:00.000+08:00

So, Shinigami Iino Taiki-sama, what does your name mean? You are not Japanese, are you? If you are why don't you tell me who you are? You know who I am!

You have some good points. What is Anwar up to? Well, if four more people will make their comments on this blog, I will give my analysis after that!

My analysis may be worth waiting for! So, hurry up with the comments!

Happening Relationships

2008-09-29T10:59:00.000+08:00

Why, Kimmie, I wish you were right! Being famous or being in demand! Unfortunately, dear, not many people read my blogs. Or, if they do, they don't indicate!

Like you, it was the same with me in relationships -- never found that one kindred spirit for the long haul! There was always a reason why it didn't work. The only thing I gained from all that is insight -- or hindsight! So, if it helps someone else, I am glad I can be of help.

But, personally, I am quite tired of reasons. Don't want explanations anymore. When you give reasons or excuses to justify or end a relationship, then, maybe, that relationship isn't happening. I like happening relationships. Relationships which unfold naturally from Point A to B and to the next level and the next and so on ...... !

It is like going on a long journey -- the long haul -- with the right travel companion. You don't know what to expect, but you do know whatever it is, you will embrace it because the company you are with will make it worth it!

That's where I am at, these days -- enjoying travelling and happening relationships!

By the way, are there no comments for Kenny's view of current politics? Looking forward to your comments!

Work It Out!

2008-09-25T13:47:00.000+08:00

I understand what you are going through, Brian, but this is still something you need to sort out with Agnes privately. She may not want to be public about this and you need to be sensitive to her. And, thank God, you have friends to help out during this period.

Having said that, let me say this: Talk with her but be honest. Be honest first with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, you can't be honest with others. If you are honest, you will communicate it to her and she will know you are being honest.

Honesty gives the other person the choice whether to stay with the relationship or leave it. And that is being magnanimous -- you don't manipulate the relationship to your advantage. It gives the partner the option to decide to accept you where you are at or to leave because he/she can't accept where you or she/he is at.

Whatever, the outcome, you have to come to terms with it. It may not be what you expected but it will be easier to bear because both partners have been honest.

I hope both of you grow to be better people through this experience and that things work out well for each.

And, Brian, if you want her real bad you will find a way to reach her!

Fish, Kenny and Politics

2008-09-19T12:47:00.000+08:00

Nice to read your comment, Fish! Yours, too, Kenny. Since you like politics, why don't you -- Kenny -- write your views on the current situation in your comment and let's see what the others say?

Do write in a way that won't get you into trouble. I don't want to have you carted away by men in plainsclothes in the middle of the day or night and not know where you disappeared too!

Make sure the rest of you comment, you, Fish, esp!

You All Surprise Me!

2008-09-18T11:23:00.000+08:00

Hi, Brian. Truly appreciate your comment. Yes, I agree. There is nothing in the 21st Century that is more broken than relationships -- whether it is a marriage, friendship or a familial relationship. And, it is most evident in marriages and relationships between men and women. Third persons have no problems cutting in. And, often, people in a relationship are open to getting what they don't get in that relationship from others. The result, as you say, is a breakdown.

Exclusivity is outdated! The notion that you should be committed and faithful to one person (the person you love and your partner of choice) and exclude all others has taken such a beating that people no longer value these characteristics in a relationship. And, that is really sad, because it is commitment and faithfulness that are the foundations of stability in a relationship.

Your comment truly surprises me. This trimester (May 2008) students keep springing surprises on me! You reveal a maturity that is refreshing and extremely welcoming. It shows that you are all learning and growing. And, you know what? It is learning and growing that keep us active and alive.

What do you mean, folks?

2008-09-03T16:06:00.000+08:00

Dear all,

I was so happy to see four comments on my KK blog! But, what were you all talking about? And why are you all hiding behind pseudonyms? Can you reveal yourselves to me?

Impressions of KK

2008-08-29T17:58:00.000+08:00

I did one of those quick weekend trips to Kota Kinabalu on one of Air Asia's GoHoliday packages because a good friend was down from the States and we wanted some catch-up time in a nice place. You know, kill two birds with one stone -- have a break and some time to bond!

KK was just perfect. We stayed at the Hyatt Regency on the waterfront with a lovely view of the sea. An island just off the shore made it a very protected seafront and the lighted wooden walkway was a pleasant place to sit and breathe in the fresh salty sea air. O, what a refreshing change from polluted Kuala Lumpur!

But the trip to KK wasn't exactly the best. Air Asia was on time. The weather was fine. But, it happened to be a dinner flight because we left at 7.30pm. Unfortunately, the inflight food station ran out of food and all that was left was maggi mee in a plastic cup!

I found out that Air Asia stocks the inflight food station from the base early in the morning and doesn't replenish during the day. Now, why don't they do that?

So, if you have a passenger like me who has to have all her meals but in small amounts, she will slip into shivers of hunger flying on Air Asia during meal times! My hands were so weak, I couldn't even hold the cup! But, I had no choice and settled for the maggi mee. Boy! Maggi mee never tasted so good! I was that hungry!

Air Asia really should do something to ensure that there is adequate food at its inflight food station throughout the day. At least some hearty sandwiches should be available on demand.

Perhaps Air Asia wants to promote its online catering service. There was an announcement saying that meals could be ordered online -- something I didn't know about before the flight. Well, I suppose I have to do just that or switch to MAS if I am going on longer flights and at meal times!

To add to that, the landing was also most uncomfortable. It seemed like the pilot was taking the aircraft down too soon or something like that because the pressure was building up in my eardrums and I wanted my ears to pop and they didn't! My ears seemed waterlogged right up to the next day and cleared only when I took in the mountain air at Kinabalu Park.

The return flight, however, was very pleasant. The landing was so smooth the passengers applauded. And, we were prepared. We ate well before we boarded the plane and came armed with sandwiches which we had on the bus which connected us from LCCT to KL Sentral!

For this trip I gave Air Asia a rating of 6 on a range of 10 because having food available at meal times is important for me! My friend, Bridget, however gave it an 8, saying that for the price it charged, it gave good quality service!

I told the Air Asia stewardess that I would be writing about this on my blog. So, Air Asia staff, if, somehow you got to my blog and are reading this, please, do take note and do something to stock your inflight mobile food station with sufficient food for all flights. You don't want hungry -- and angry -- passengers, do you?

Other Highlights

Check-in at Hyatt

The counter service at the Hyatt Regency was pleasant and friendly, and we had an interesting exchange of words.

Counter girl: We are giving you a smoking room ..
Myself: O, no! We both have sinusitis. We can't have a smoking room.
Counter girl: O, ... with king-size bed!
Myself: King-size bed? No, we are good friends. We want twin beds .....
Counter girl: (Emphasising) King-size bed!
Myself: We are friends. We want twin beds. If it were my husband, you can give me king-size bed. Does she look like my husband?
Giggles! By now another assistant had joined her and they were giggling together!
Counter girl: Ok, non-smoking room with twin beds!
Myself: (Not giving up!) With seaview?
Counter girl: Yes, with seaview. You can change later if you want to.
Myself: (Relieved!) O, no problem. That room is fine. And thank you very much!

We received a very warm and welcoming service from Hyatt Regency!

Kinabalu Park

What amazed me most about Kota Kinabalu was that its tourists' attractions were so well maintained that just for a moment you might have forgotten that you are in Malaysia!

In comparision to Peninsular Malaysia's much-to-be-desired maintenance culture, KK's tourists' spots are very well kept. And KK has more than a few attractions to boast of.

Kinabalu Park was one of them. This is a World Heritage Site and it lived up its reputation. It is a two-hour drive from KK and the last 20 minutes before the park is the most scenic. You get to see Mt Kinabalu.

It was a cloudy day when we drove up and through our cab window we spotted the peak. Not quite what I had expected. Just above it was another layer of clouds and it seemed like the sky was a dark blue behind the peak. The cab driver kept saying, "behind, behind." Then, I saw it. Wow, what an awesome sight. The peak we saw was the lower peak. Perhaps it was Low's Peak, but the "blue" behind it was Mt Kinabalu, towering above the other peaks with its own peak disappeared in the clouds.

It is a sight I will not forget. I have never seen a mountain so high. On the return trip, we saw its wind and rain-eroded gullied peak quite clearly because the clouds had cleared. It was a sharp point jutting into the sky. What a marvellous work of nature!

The park at the foothills of Mt Kinabalu was well-landscaped and clean. It is a lovely place to enjoy the cool crisp mountain air and walk up and down the road and through the typical equatorial mountain foliage. The place has a few eating places. We had tea and sandwiches at the cafe next to the starting point for treks up Mt Kinabalu.

The tea was served in a big mug that had a good two portions in it! And it tasted just like Mamak stall tea in the Klang Valley! In the cool mountain air, it was the perfect warm-up before we did some serious walking around the park.

Tanjung Aru

Then, we went to Tanjung Aru to watch the sun set. We had heard of Tanjung Aru's famous sunsets and wanted to see it. Unfortunately, it was a cloudy day and the sun was low on the horizon when we reached the beach. But, we were able to catch the lingering hues of the setting sun over a calm sea with gently rolling waves. Walking up and down the shoreline with the waves swirling around the ankles and disappearing through my toes had a calming effect on me. The sea does that to me. The sound of it is enough to lull frayed nerves.

Night fell and we sat by the beach and chatted over fresh juice.

Seafood dinner

We then headed back to KK for dinner. Stepped into the Port Seafood Restaurant and had 1kg of boiled prawns in sauce and 1/2kg fish for two. That was a mistake because it was too much for two people and it was neither tasty nor fresh and soft. We packed most of what we could not eat and give it to the Hyatt Regency counter staff.

Island hopping

The next day, we only had a couple of hours between breakfast and lunch (I mean, we had to eat before the flight since we were flying Air Asia!) and we had time to do only two things. Visit the Filipino bazaar and visit one island. We made a quick walk through the Filipino bazaar where I bought a pair of earrings and Bridget bought abalone. Then, we headed for Jesselton Jetty where we managed to get a boat to Mamutik where we spend about an hour.

Just a few feet from the shoreline, the sea bed dips and for an area of about the size of an Olympic-sized swimming pool, the seabed is covered with brown corals.

But before you get to the corals, you will be greeted by schools of colourful fishes! It was quite an experience swimming with the fishes. I saw a small group of swordfish swimming just below the surface. I swam further in and had quite a thrill swimming above the seabed of corals.

So, there. That was how I spent my short weekend in KK. But, what made it most enjoyable was the company. Bridget now lives in the States and I hadn't seen her for three years. So, it was good to catch up with her and enjoy the friendship amidst beautiful unspoilt scenery.

Answering TA1's comment

2008-08-27T11:50:00.000+08:00

If the girl has a boyfriend .... think carefully! Is there any point in expressing your feelings for her? It may be a serious relationship that she is in and she may not be interested in you at all. And, there is no guarantee that her feelings would change even after you have expressed your feelings for her.

The only thing you would have gained is that you wouldn't be feeling so unbearably crazy about what you feel.

Normally, when a person feels very strong emotions, he or she will express them without any prompting. If you haven't reached that stage, it might be a good idea to say nothing at all.

Just as there is a point in expressing yourself, there is also a point in NOT expressing yourself. If you can contain your feelings, then, forget him/her and go your own way. That also shows you have a firm handle of your emotions and you won't get carried away!

Young Adults! A Word of Caution!

2008-08-23T12:29:00.000+08:00

I know I said in an earlier blog that young adults should express themselves. And, I do mean it. If you have an opinion, an idea, a thought or a comment it is good to say it -- that's expressing youself. It is the same if you have feelings for another person and those feelings are driving you crazy! Express yourselves.

But, at the same time, think of ways of expressing yourself that will be acceptable to other people. They may disagree with you and reject your requests or advances (and, be prepared for that!), but, at least, they will respect you for being honest. And, more important than all that, you would have grown through it all. With practice (experience) you would have learnt to express honest feelings honestly and be unmanipulative about it because you do not control the response or outcome. You accept it and deal with it as it happens.

That is the important thing. You grow, learning to handle your thoughts and emotions and other people's responsibly. And you will be better people for that!

Good luck!

The Memorable Dark Knight

2008-08-06T14:33:00.000+08:00

Yes, I got to see the latest Batman movie -- The Dark Knight. And, I enjoyed it immensely!

I enjoy movies. I like the larger-than-life experience. And, Batman packed the two-and-a-half hours of viewing with the right measure of excitement and thrill. It is one of those very few movies I watched which I didn't want to end. I wished the movie had just gone on and on!

The script was great and it was visually stimulating and thoroughly entertaining. No doubt, it had an overdose of violence, but in the context of the Joker's compassless morals, it seemed totally relevant. And, yes, the Joker's portrayal overshadowed Batman, but in a way that, too, was relevant as it showed that unbridled evil does not need an equivalent good to check it. Runaway evil can be checked by good -- even when it is unmatched as in this case.

Batman's good was paled by the Joker's senseless rage. But, in the end, it was enough to stop the evil Joker.

It really is a must-see movie. It is a well put together plot tracing evil vs good, within the social landscape of romance, political intrigue, public service, family ties, loyalty to colleagues, human weakness and betrayal.

My friend and I made an outing out of it. We met up for coffee and cupcakes at Cupcakes Chic at the Curve, followed by the movie, which was followed by a lovely dinner at Marche. The movie was great, the company was great, the ambience was great, and so was the food!

The pictures are of us next to the huge Batman poster which was dominated by the Joker.

Be Yourself

2008-07-31T16:09:00.000+08:00

Well, Brian, you got it right. And young adults should express what they feel even if they are yet to know what that means. Express yourselves. It is part of exploring and discovering the world around you and about yourself and growing up. But, don't make any promises or commitments now unless you know the meaning of your intentions and actions and know the consequences and are willing to assume responsibility for them.

In time you will learn what your expressions mean. Then, you will learn when and why to hold back.

For the moment, just enjoy yourselves. Don't tie yourselves down with responsibilities as yet. All that will come later. For now, just be yourselves.

Closure

2008-07-24T16:48:00.000+08:00

Now that I have got all that angst out of my system about Gabriels and Daniels, I feel much better! Then, going through my students' assignments, I came across one group's comments which finally settled the issue.

My students had to create an event for a press conference. One particular group decided to announce the launch of a new movie -- Impossible Is Possible. It featured a "tomboy" and a "sissy" who become an item and balance out each other's characters before they are accepted back into society.

What a refreshing view of people and relationships! Instead of expecting people to change, just go along with them and let the characters rub off on each other. The evolved characters would be exactly what I wanted -- people who changed.

The thing to note is that they changed in a relationship. Perhaps, that's the key: When we relate, something of each other rubs off to the other and we grow and change. In a close relationship, we often grow in the way that helps to build the other up.

All this simply tells me how important relationships are. I think it is the most important thing in life -- building relationships. A lot of things are achieved when we have good relationships -- with parents, siblings, relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbours, the public ... my students! Things begin to move, and, always for the better!

Thank you Brian, Ragy and Kai Fu for the depth of your perceptions about relationships! I think you are all better at it than I am!

Well -- thanks to you -- my issues with Daniels and Gabriels are now ended, and they won't be revisited. It is the close of a chapter in my life. I am moving on . . . !

Addendum

2008-07-04T00:13:00.000+08:00

What I want to say about all these relationship issues is simply this: If people can't face up to problems in their relationships, and honestly confront them themselves and with the other party or parties concerned, invariably -- there are always exception to the rule -- you can trace it down to a lack of self-esteem.

Yes, the underlying reason for letting your fears or insecurities cripple you from being honest is -- I believe -- a lack of self-respect.
When you have self-respect, you like yourself and will not be too unduly disturbed if the other person doesn't like or respond to you the way you want to. You will be able to accept the other side's response -- even if it hurts. But you won't fall apart. The response may be hard to face, but you will be able to face it because you like yourself and will not want to hurt yourself any more than you already have been hurt. You accept the reality ... and move on.

Self-respecting people seek honesty. They confront you for the truth because they can deal with it. They like themselves enough not to feel unstably rejected, disappointed, discouraged ...... etc, etc.

People with low self-esteem, on the other hand, will always skirt the issue because they really don't want to know the truth for fear of rejection, disappointment, disilllusion .... etc, etc. Unconsciously, they assume the worst and avoid honestly confronting the issue because they can't deal with it because they fear the outcome would be unbearable. So, they avoid confronting the other person to get at the root of the problem.

So, they never know the truth and live a lie -- assuming the other person's response is negative.

It really is a pity because the assumption may be wrong and the relationship may be estranged for no apparent reason other than because you chose to believe what seems rather than what is. You won't know for sure if what seems is truly what is unless you speak to the party or parties concerned.

Speaking to the other person -- communicating -- opens the way for honest clarifications and clears up a whole murky cloud of misunderstanding.

How do you build up self-esteeem? I think it begins by affirming yourself. We need to like who we are. We need people who will affirm us. It makes us realise that we are likeable people. Then, it becomes easier to affirm others. In doing so, we communicate to them that they are likeable, too.

So, you see, affirmation is a boost to self-respect. They co-exist. And both are a boost to hitting it off!

If we want healthy relationships where people are relating in honest communication, we first have to be self-respecting human beings. Then, it becomes easy to affirm another and a lot of relationship problems will evaporate into thin air!

We will actually become nice people to be with!

Hiya, Anonymous!

2008-07-03T23:52:00.000+08:00

Good insight, Anonymous-Kenny! Nice to know you are still reading my postings! Enjoy the shows! Just because I am quite critical of them doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy them! I didn't know you love politics more! Well, it's getting very interesting these days, isn't it? But, I wish politicians will cut down on the politicking and get down to the business of running the country ..... . If I suddenly get hit by a bit of illumination on the current chaotic political situation, I may write something -- sometime in the future! So, Kenny, I guess you have to keep reading or chance on a political post in my blog!

As to the problem of people getting hurt from doing the right thing ... . Well, I always feel honesty makes it bearable. When you are honest you give the other person a chance to come to terms with the issue. It may hurt but the person knows the real reason behind the "why" and it would be easier to eventually find closure.

More about this in my next blog!

Great Comment!

2008-06-29T22:45:00.000+08:00

My friend, Kimmie Kuan, wrote a lovely comment in my February CNY blog. Do take a look at it. It is a great piece of read! I wish more will write comments like that!

I haven't finished my series on relationships! My next blog will be an additional discussion on problem-resolution! Read about it over the weekend!

Still on TV: Of Gabriels and Daniels

2008-05-30T14:51:00.000+08:00

There are two types of TV characters that I, somehow, can't be neutral to. Every time I see them, I react. I get angry! I tell myself, they are just TV characters -- not real. But, I just can't be pacified. When they appear on screen, I hit the ceiling.

These characters are the stupid women of Desperate Housewives and the wimpy man, Daniel, in Ugly Betty. I have been wondering why I react so negatively to them. I think I know the answer. They remind me of the stupid women and wimpy men in my life who stress me out!

How do they stress me out? Well, these two types of people share a common characteristic. When faced with a problem, both do everything else except what they should do -- the right thing! It is crystal clear to me what they should do to make things right. But, for some reason totally beyond my understanding, they never do it.

If their actions do not affect me, that's fine. But, when they do, I am left cleaning up the mess, and taking on more stress than I can handle! And stress is something I don't manage well. And, then, I hit! It's my way of ventilating -- like I am doing now!

But, really, I have good reasons to feel the way I do. Let's look at the women in Desperate Housewives. I have never seen a lot of women more stupid than them! I mean, look at the things they do! One laces cookies with a drug in a show of upmanship, one attempts suicide because she couldn't get the man she wanted, another cheats to drive her mother away, one straps herself with pillows to appear pregnant to protect her daughter and raise her grandchild as her own, one has sex with an underaged teenage boy to spite her husband, and yet another gets into a relationship with a man she doesn't love while still in love with the man she does loves!

My! What a mess! Granted, they are all trying to solve their problems as best as they can and not doing a good job of it! Instead, they heap on the problems, layer by layer with their stupid, desperate acts!

Of these women, no one can beat Gabriel, the character played by Eva Longoria. Gabriel marries the mayor but continues her affair with her first husband. When her current husband finds out and takes her out on a boating trip to talk things out, she throws him overboard thinking he was going to hurt her because he had found out about her affair with her ex-husband. The latter turns up, pulls the cuckolded mayor back on board. All three confront each other only to have Gabriel knock the mayor overboard accidently. This time, he doesn't surface.

And, what does Gabriel do? She plots with her ex-husband to cover up the episode by setting the boat adrift to make it look like he disappeared in a boating incident. It was an accident but she didn't have it in her to do the right thing. So, she commited a crime -- and, on TV, got away with it!

Of course, everyone knows why these women act this way: Desperate women do desperately stupid things because they are desperate!

What amazes me is that it doesn't take much to make these women desperate. The slightest thing they don't get is sufficient cause to get desperate and make a spectacle of themselves doing foolish things that in reality no self-respecting woman does.

Why don't they just stop to think? Maybe there is a better way to solve this problem? Do the right thing and face the consequences. But desperate women never do the right thing because they are too weak to face up to the consequences.

These are the women who will remain in short-changing relationships and never walk out because they are scared to be alone. They take demeaning jobs for the sake of extra cash because they think they can't get a decent job. They take it out on their children because they won't get help. They manipulate, scheme and bitch to solve their problems but never ever do the one thing they should do to get out of it -- do the right thing. They have no sense of what is right.

Because they won't do it, in my life, I end up having to sort things out for them and carry the stress of added responsibility -- while they go along on their merry way!

I now keep away from stupid women!

Wimpy men are no better. Daniel in Ugly Betty is the perfect epitome of the wimp who just can't do the right thing. Wilhelmina -- well, Wih-hell-mina -- only has to squeak and Daniel will buckle at the knees, and crumble, finding refuge doing everything he shouldn't do like sleeping with everybody and anybody, everywhere and anywhere.

But the one thing he should do -- hold his ground and stand up to Wilhellmina -- that, that he doesn't do.

Like stupid women, it doesn't take much for wimpy men to retreat and find the exit door. If you don't smile, that could wound, and be a good reason to make a quick U-turn and flee. Wimps spend an enormous amount of time licking their imaginary "wounds". I say "imaginary" because, in the first place, nobody wounded them. Wilhelmina only squeaked! She was just being herself!

Well, Wil-hell-mina is the classic "woman from hell". You don't expect anything more from her. She is from the Dark Side -- beyond redemption! But Daniel? He is portrayed as human - weak but with the potential to become a man -- finally -- but misses every chance he gets to affirm his potential.

That is the problem with wimps; they never seize the day -- never seize the chances they get. Instead, they give excuses. Their famous lines are: "She freaks me out!" or "I can't" or "I am unable" or "Not me!" or "I can't give." They depend on circumstances and if the circumstances don't prove conducive, they excuse themselves out the back door.

They never look within themselves for that steely strength to turn around, pitch their stake, hold their ground and level and eyeball with you. Eveybody else waits for them to do it -- like Betty who sees the potential in Daniel that he himself can't see. She is still waiting.

You see, Daniels give you a headache -- a neverending one because they rarely ever resolve issues quickly. Until they do, you have to find a way to live with headaches that won't go away. Other personality types also give you headaches! Like I give headaches to other people! But, somehow we can sort them out and after a while, the headache goes away. But not with the Daniels.

I now steer clear of wimps!

Daniels and Gabriels will never offer themselves as the solution to the problems. They would rather fumble and bungle than be seen taking the necessary tough stand. They never make that one decision that would end the problem once and for all. Instead, they hem and haw and flirt at the fringes, hoping the problem will go off by itself! It never does.

The image they convey to others is more important than looking bad and doing the right thing. They like to appear as the pretty -- if brainless -- sweet things, or the affable -- if limp -- Mr Nice Guy!

I wish they will just be real, face up to the issue and act. Instead of beating around the bush or letting desperation drive your brains out of your head.

Use your intelligence when desperate. You would be very surprised to find that you really have that resource at your disposal. Use it a few times, and you will find that there really are sensible, clever solutions to problems. Use it often, and you will find yourself having fewer problems.

And the stupid woman will become a smart, self-respecting person going on to a better life! They become more beautiful and desirable, and even better company!

Use your brawn -- both physical and emotional. Start getting tough. You would be very surprised to find yourself feeling good about yourself. Get tough a few more times, and suddenly you will find yourself straigtening up because your backbone gets stronger. Do it often, and you will find your backbone strong as steel and your head and shoulders above the rest, and people looking UP to you because you solve problems and get things done.

And the wimp will become a man of steel, holding his own, an admirable force to reckon with.

I suspect that wimps are NOT born. They become that way. Maybe they never saw their fathers or male mentors or male role models love their wives, or resolve problems or demolish obstacles. So, they have no concept of the practical things a man does to woo a woman or overcome a problem or remove an obstacle. Having no concept of these things, they grope in the dark looking for a solution and never find it.

A good place for wimps to start is to build relationships with the peers you like. Peers who care for you will tell you things your superiors or subordinates may not feel free to bring up. The trouble with wimps -- being men -- is that they can't find friends among men. Stupid women have a greater chance of changing because -- being women -- they always find a woman friend somewhere who will help them.

I wish wimps will change, grow up or grow a steely strength that would make them very attractive. They just need to start doing all those practical steps men take to get what they want and to get ahead -- and not be fearful of the consequuences. There is no gain if there is no risk. When they start taking risks, they may initially fumble but later, with practice, they become men of steel, an attractive balance of natural innate sensitivity and acquired strength learnt from practicing practical steps. They become the genuine gentle-men.

In my mind, these are the men of the future -- the ones who will define the new terms of 21st Century masculinity, having rejected the old. Unfortunately, they are yet to exist. They have been designed, but are yet to be formed. And, I am waiting for one to be formed.

I think the world will be a happier place if Gabriels will start using their brains and Daniels start using their brawn -- physical and emotional! There will be fewer problems and even less stress!

TV Is Getting On My Nerves!

2008-05-30T13:43:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I like to lounge in my sofa and take in some good TV -- like Prison Break, Heroes (my current favourite), Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives and nearly all the late night comedies -- when I have the time. I just let the mindlessness wash over me, while I engage in nothingness! It is quite relaxing, and I always end up similing to myself at the silliness on TV, so successful at grabbing the interests of the lowest common denominator!

Of late, though, TV hasn't been making me smile. Instead, I get incensed watching it! Some of their character portrayals and themes actually make me mad!

I mean, look at all that is played out on TV and you will realise that no TV programme makes a claim to the moral high ground. The story line, the themes, the characterization all glamourize the weaker aspects of being human. You know, it is human to cheat, steal, enjoy sex with umpteen partners, back-bite, stab and get even, get ahead at all costs, do drugs, fumble and stumble and all this is quite all right because you are just being human! And, it's funny, too! So, celebrate it! Don't be ashamed of it!

Fine, I agree, be human. But, must we sink into this moral-less state and give no thought of rising above it? After we sink -- as is human -- can't we not find some inner glow of hope to rise up and get the better of ourselves? Isn't that what humanity is all about? Choosing to grow and becoming better than what our circumstances would have us become?

But, not on TV. On TV, everyone breaks all the laws and gets away with it! The only laws where you don't get off scot free are the civil laws. But, when it comes to moral laws ... there's no such thing! Look at all the abusive parents, cheating spouses, philandering singles, horny seniors, vicious teenagers, thieving businessmen, suspect clergymen, scheming women and violent men. Do you recognize any of these people as "human"?

I really don't see anything human on TV anymore! I only see a great thrust to identify with the baser, weaker self. And, what is worst, is that they show it all off shamelessly as if it were the only naturally human thing to do.

Take Ugly Betty, for instance. In the last episode (which I watched because I was laid out on my back and had nothing else to do!), Betty attends a teenage dance night at her old high school, meets an admirer, and they both have a "fun" evening. " What was the "fun" here? He picks the lock of a glass case filled with trophies which included one which Betty had won as the Best Citizen in her year. She wanted to hold the trophy and he makes it happen for her. How? By breaking the law. Picking locks is not a serious crime in this case, but, it is nevertheless an offence. They get caught but get off without penalty.

And, what does Betty say at the end of it, even though she got caught? "It was fun!"

Great! Fun it was but is fun only fun when it is criminal or immoral? Somehow that is the implicit message in TV's screen themes. And, if we are not awakened to it, we will never be discerning enough to realise that TV is hoodwinking us into believing that identifying with our lesser nature is being truly human.

It is a similar theme in Desperate Housewives. These schemeing, manipulative women do everything their better selves should tell them not to do, but they don't seem to have that inner voice. They cheat, lie, scheme, bitch and make up after all that. Their justification? When women are desperate they do desperate things. And that is only human -- so, it seems that is what TV is preaching.

Is it human to sink into a compassless morass of morals but not human to rise above it by holding on to some rules of civil behaviour, and be a civilised person?

This is the recurrent sublimal message that TV is sending out to passive viewers day in and day out. Identifying with your lesser self is the human thing to do.

I don't know if people are aware of what they are exposing themselves to -- a daily diet of lower cheap thrills that completely obliterates the hope that we have it in ourselves to rise above our lesser selves and be better human beings.

But, you don't see that on TV. All you see is a glamourous descent into indecency passing off as simply being human. There is little, if any, saving grace in portraying the struggle people go through to rise above their circumstances. On most TV programmes, especially the ones coming from developed nations, the theme is constantly the everyday, rotten things people do because they are human.

The rest of the world is expected to accept it.

We, of course, can't change this. But we can wise up to it. We can understand this is what TV is communicating to us. And we can decide to choose to go along with it and, maybe, do the same or choose to see it for what it is and don't do the same. We can shoose NOT to follow TV values.

We can't live with eyes closed, shutting out influences that keep bombarding us. But, we can understand what is going on and choose not to follow.

Don't Get Sick On The Weekends

2008-05-26T15:30:00.000+08:00

I was wiped out on my back the last 10 days. I got sick -- with what I don't know but I have ended up wheezing away! I hope all the medicine I am taking now will very soon put an end to the wheezing.

It all began with the sniffles. So, I took Carinox. While the latter stopped the sniffles, I began to sense a heavy head and fever. For two days I took panadol to bring the fever down and did steaming to get the phlegm out. On the second night, when my thermometer showed 102, I decided, enough of home remedies! And I went to the panel doctors.

It happened to be a Friday and a little past 10pm. My regular doctor, Dr Nagesh, had just got off duty so I saw this young locum. I told him my problem and without checking out my blood pressure and doing a chest examination and checking for a fever only after I asked him, he prescribed a course of antibiotics and something for the phlegm.

I dutifully took the medicine only to find myself oozing out with phlegm! I blew my nose away with huge tissue clutches of phlegm. It was so bad that I kept myself -- and my neighbours -- awake with all the coughing and sneezing I did through the night! The next morning, exhausted, I went to see the doctor. Again, Dr Nagesh wasn't in and I had to see another locum.

I told him my problem. This time, at least, he did a chest examination with his stethoscope and prescribed another course of antibiotics and some mucosolvan. Aha, now I will get better! But, I was to be disappointed. There was no relief. I kept blowing and blowing my nose and coughing and coughing. I persevered until I had completed the antibiotics, and went to see the doctor again.

Thank God! Dr Nagesh was in! She checked me out, put me on a nebulyser immediately, calmed me down and sent me off with three different types of drugs. I took the first dose of the prescription and breathed normally again! No more dragging coughing and sneezing! I slept like a baby that night and gradually began to get better. Thank God for Dr Nagesh!

The only residual problem left is the wheezing. But it is getting better and better.

What is the upshot of all this?

Well, if your regular doctor keeps a Mon-to-Fri or Mon-to-Sat afternoon schedule, just make sure you don't get sick on the weekends -- or you will end up at the mercy of locums who don't know anything about your medical history!

The Most Beautiful Sight in UTAR!

2008-04-21T13:11:00.000+08:00

Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman (UTAR) students are known for chit-chatting during lectures. Lecturers are used to delivering their presentations over a murmur of student chatter. I, however, find it most annoying, and my students are fully aware of my sentiments!

I really don't know why anybody should be chatting away when someone else is speaking, and, especially when that "somebody" is your lecturer. I am a bit schoolma'amish about this! So, my students constantly get an earful on classroom manners, ending in the conclusion which actually is the point I want to make, which is: "Please be quiet when I am teaching!" Hence, not surprisingly, my lecture classes are generally quieter than the rest! My students sit quietly -- as best as they can -- and wait impatiently for the lecture to end so that they can let out a howl of relief!

Don't get me wrong, I must interject here! It is not that I don't want my students to speak. I love questions from students, but not discourteous chatter!

But, in this semester which just ended, I had a group of students who surprised me with their contrary behaviour. They were attentive in class, asked questions, volunteered comments and responded to my questions. And, they didn't chit-chat during lectures! They exemplified my definition of good classroom manners!

And, in the last lecture of the semester, they did something that bowled me over! I gave the front page of The Star's classified section (Metro Classified) of various issues to each of the students to practise the reading skills of skimming and scanning. But, even before I could give them the instructions on what to do, I saw the most beautiful thing in UTAR.

Without any prompting, the chatter died down immediately. Heads bowed, attention focussed, faces in the pages, every student was engaged in the quiet activity of reading! There was not a sound in the lecture room. It was not the strangeness of pin-drop silence; it was the warm quiet of camaraderie of many individuals deeply engrossed in a mental activity of common interest -- reading the newspapers!

Every time I ask my students to do some reading and they immediately switch into chatter, I tell them: "No noise, please! Reading is an individual activity!" There will be a knowing gigle here and there!

But, when the students bent over newspapers, and began reading quietly simply because they were interested ... that was a treat!

I declared: "This is the most beautifual sight in all of UTAR!" There was not a response even to that -- because they were too engrossed reading!

I couldn't believe it! But, guys, that was a fitting finale to a very pleasant semester with all of you! Please continue to indulge in the lovely individual activity of reading!

A Pleasant Easter-Birthday

2008-04-04T14:45:00.000+08:00

This year my birthday fell on Easter Sunday and it turned out to be a memorable day mainly because I wasn't all by myself. I went for sunrise service, chatted over a simple breakfast with fellow church members I hadn't see for a while and went home. A couple of hours later, my niece and her family came by and picked me up and we headed towards her father's (my second eldest brother) home in Seremban.

Not having to drive was the best present I had that day! Sharing the backseat with my grand-niece and grand-nephew was also enjoyable, especially since Aishyra brought her new puppy along in a box.

We reached my brother's home in time for lunch, followed by dessert which was the birthday's girl's cake -- compliments of my nephew, the doctor! Then we just sat around and chatted. My nephew's friends -- all up-and-coming surgeons -- were also there and it was interesting hearing them talk. Then there was the latest addition to the family -- little sad-faced Dusty. The kids enjoyed taking pictures of him with my digital camera. Above are a couple of their pictures.

One to note is the picture of the three generations of Pereira women: myself, my niece (left) and my grand-niece, Aishyra, with Dusty, her new-found pet which she has learnt to clean up after (taken by my grand-nephew Joshua)! Picture of Dusty taking forty winks was taken by Aishyra. The other picture was taken by me.

A Lesson for All

2008-03-25T15:14:00.000+08:00

We can all learn a very important lesson from the just-concluded Malaysian General Elections: When you have been in leadership for a very long time and think you are very strong and invincible because of the kind of support backing you, unexpectedly, the carpet will be pulled quickly from under you, and you will fall -- and it will be an undignified fall!

See what has happened to the seemingly unsinkable Barisan Nasional. Overnight, the support that kept them in power for 50 years since independence vanished -- gone, kapputz! They are still reeling from the shock of realising that the support they assumed actually wasn't there.

Some people refer to it as the Hand of God. If it indeed is, He has definitely showed His displeasure and changed the status quo in one fell swoop! Woe on those who resisted! Look how many of them have fallen!

But, I don't think that this wind of change that is blowing through the country is as sudden as people make it out to be. The rumblings of dissent -- sure signs that things are not quite right -- have been there for a while. But, they were ignored, preempted and/or suppressed. And, that was the problem.

Leaders lost touch with the grassroots. They failed -- mainly because they distanced themselves from the people -- to read the signs correctly and early enough to correct themselves and change. They resisted, dug in their heels and entrenched themselves -- some, shamelessly, in the Name of God.

Well, it looks like God has spoken and it would be advisable for incumbent leadership -- especially the long-staying ones -- to take note of what has happened and act swiftly so that the same fate doesn't fall on them.

Recognise and welcome dissent because it offers a chance for change and rejuvenation. Instead of digging in your heels, step back, let go and surrender -- and embrace the changes. You will be showing magnanimity in leadership, something sorely missing in the leadership of today.

Open Letter to YB Hannah Yeoh

2008-03-13T15:30:00.000+08:00

Dear YB Hannah,

Firstly, congratulations! And, it looks like the mainstream papers also like you! The Star featured you today, despite their screaming front-page story that did not make the DAP look so good!

But, back to the main purpose of this letter. I know you said that your priority would be to help the poor in the Subang Jaya state constituency. I totally support that and I think many of your constituents, would, too. However, having lived in Subang Jaya for the past 20 years, there are a number of things that need to be addressed. Let me list them down here and leave it to you to include them in your list of priorities:

Traffic: This is our major headache! Subang Jaya needs another exit to the Federal Highway -- not a flyover over it or through Sunway. But one to the Federal Highway near perhaps the SJMC. This will cut the number of cars from USJ using the sole exit at the former KFC. To facilitate this movement of traffic from USJ, it is also necessary to expand the Federal Highway lanes between the clock tower at Subang and Sungei Way.
Public Transport: This is another problem. Public transport needs to be beefed up so that the service is frequent and regular. If the LRT is going to be extended through Subang Jaya to USJ, there is a great need to establish an efficient and fast feeder bus service so that the LRT stations are not crowded with cars.
Stall licences: Issue more licences so that Subang Jayans can earn an honest living in Subang Jaya. Issue licences based on need rather than race. Allocate places for stall owners to operate legally without being harassed by authorities. But, when issuing stall licences, please make sure that they are not located in places where they obstruct traffic flow.
Security: Petty and snatch thefts are frequent occurrences here. At the risk of sounding racist, (but, in fact, I am not!) this is mainly because of the big immigrant population in the cheaper flats and apartments available in USJ which are conveniently located close to commercial centres (Please feel free to correct me!). Some kind of zoning needs to be done so that commercial centres are placed comfortably at a distance from residential areas. And, of course, we need better policing!
Unwanted mail: There is an unnecessary amount of junk mail stuffed in our mailboxes. I sugest that some law be introduced to stop people from cramming unwanted mail into our mailboxes!
RATS! This is a problem no one wants to see here! But the area, especially the drains and gutters are teeming with these creatures and their close relatives, the chipmunks! City and town councils should regularly fumigate these places so that this menace is wiped out of the face of the earth!
The last problem is a very, very small issue but a nagging one! Garbage collectors clean out garbage bins but they do not latch back the doors of the garbage chambers! This is an easily solved problem: Just tell them to latch back the doors!

That is all! I hope YB will do something about these frustrating aspects of living in the Subang Jaya constituency. If these issues are resolved, I think, the Subang Jaya-USJ area will be a model town for all Malaysians!

Who knows? Other towns will follow suit and before long all of Malaysia will become a progressive, safe and clean place to live in!

Good Luck!

We voted for US!

2008-03-12T15:19:00.000+08:00

The heroes of the just completed General Elections are no others than US -- the voters! We proved we are kingmakers! And that we are mature and responsible voters ; we protested with one mind and as Malaysians, not just as Malaysian Chinese or Malaysian Malay or Malaysian Indian, and without violence.

For the first time, I am proud to be called simply Malaysian!

Now that the status quo has changed, I have something to say to the new leaders: Please don't blow it! You have been given a chance to govern. Now, prove it that you can -- and well. If you make mistakes, admit them and correct them swiftly. Don't sweep things under the carpet, and, most of all don't hide them from the rakyat. Admit, apologize, correct it and face the consequences and move on.

Voters now realise that they have power and they are going to use it. Just as you were easily put into office, you can be easily -- and unceremoniously -- shown the exit door.

Show your mettle and prove your detractors wrong!

My next post is an open letter to the new Subang Jaya YB Hannah Yeoh. It can be viewed after 6pm tomorrow.

Tip on Pictures

2008-03-12T15:17:00.000+08:00

My pictures at night or in the dark tend to be dark even with flash because I use a simple digital camera. If you want to see clearly, click on picture and zoom in. You will get a closer and clearer view.

WarriorRose

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Rumour-mongering

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Comments on Comments!

Shinigami San!

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Work It Out!